Sisters funeral

[Naughtybutnice76]

My sister sadly took her own life and the funeral is next week. Her son's wishes are that we as a family (mum, dad, sister, son) travel in the car and sit together at the funeral. My mum and dad are separated. My Dad wants his partner on the front row with us, the same woman he had an affair with while my parents were married. Is it unreasonable to ask that she doesn't sit with us? We all get along, that isn't the issue. It just feels like this should be a time where family wishes come first. AIBU?

Lovely OP, what about you? Would you feel the need to be strong for your dad? Would having someone else to help share the load be beneficial or would the support for your dad cause more difficulties for you/your mum/your nephew?

My sibling died in an accident at a young age which dreadfully raw and beyond awful so goodness only knows what your family are going through. Please do consider yourself as well as others here.

If no other spouses are going to be in the car etc, I don’t see why your dad thinks it should be different for him.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

No one else has a partner sitting with them- assuming out of respect for the son's wishes.

Your father should heed this. If he feels he can't cope without his partner, then he should sit elsewhere.

I'm very surprised that so many think the partner should be there with the DF in the front row. If she has any sensitivity at all she will hold back.

The DF will be with family, not alone, and he can be with his partner afterwards.

I think your nephew is being unreasonable to specify where people sit. I’ve never been to a funeral where partners sit behind, I didn’t honestly know that was a thing. If your mum struggles being near them I think it would be fine to separate them. Is a church? Could they sit on different sides of the aisle?

Not only for respect for the son's wishes but also because personally I want to be with the people I share a family bond with while grieving my sister. My partner has been fantastic but at the funeral I want my family around me.

If the nephew doesn't have enough empathy for his grandfather, who has lost his daughter , to allow him the comfort of his partner... his wishes really don't matter.

What a horrible insensitive thing to write.

It is the request made by the son of the woman who died, his mother, based on her wishes. He's not 'the nephew', he is the chief mourner.

Of course the father's wife should not be in the front row or car. As PP said, no other family members have their spouses with them. Why would he have?

She is there to support him at all other times during the funeral and after.

He didn't specify just expressed his wishes.

I have never been to a funeral where partners don't sit behind.

They are not the chief mourners. Why would they sit in the front row?

Your father should either sit with his family without his partner or sit with his partner elsewhere. He will have you, your other sister and his grandson there, and should be thinking about supporting you all as well, rather than only on his own needs.

Absolutely. Completely understandable.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

If there's room then I can see your dads point of view. The fact she's the ow complicates things I admit. I know dp would want me next to him though I wouldn't insist, but that's because his ex would want her dp. In reverse I would sit next to my ex because we are still on very good terms

The fact she's the ow complicates things I admit.

It doesn't, really.

It is really unusual for spouses or partners to sit in the front row. Obviously in cases of very small groups of chief mourners it might happen.

But it's really her son, her spouse of age had one, her siblings & parents.

Two parents are burying their child. Even if she was an adult, that is not the natural order of things. Even if they are separated, it should be a moment when they support one another. Bringing in a new partner will completely change that dynamic. He should be focused on his family, including his estranged wife for this particular moment.

As has been said, why would anyone expect the affair partner to have any sensitivity, or give a damn about anyone else's feelings? This woman had an affair with a married man. Sensitive, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, people don't do that.

Funerals are the final goodbye and a time for reflection and paying our last respects to the deceased.

And having those who loved her - mum, dad, brother and sister sitting side by side is a lovely way of doing that.

It is absolutely not a time for thinking about the father having someone there to hold his hand.

Loss by suicide is unbelievably traumatic for all those close and all family, children/siblings/parents should be allowed to have those that can give them the most support with them wherever possible.

I lost my son to suicide, my ex and I sat either side of our daughter with our respective partners beside us. There were others at the front I guess, I don't really remember. I think our parents sat behind us.

All that is really clear now when I try to think of it is the 3 of us, sister, mum and dad in a disbelieving bubble of pain and desperately clinging to the hand of my partner beside me.

Before the funeral my thoughts were a mess, I couldn't tell what was important and what wasnt, everything that had gone before lost meaning.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't deny anyone support, there will be little enough anyway.

Sending much love

This is the exact situation our family had about a decade ago. My sister killed herself. Dad was remarried with the lady he had an affair with many years before. Mum sat on one end of the front row, dad and step mum at the other end with siblings and BIL in the middle (her son was too young to attend).

It was as fine as it could be, my mum genuinely didn't care what was going on the other end of the row- she far more important shit to focus on,

This. I’ve been a married step parent for 24 years. God forbid we should ever be in a similar situation but I’d expect to take a big step back if we were.

I’m so sorry for your loss @Naughtybutnice76 💐

The mother has lost her daughter. She shouldn't have to sit in the same row as the OW.

The father created this situation by having an affair. If anyone should suck up the consequences it should be him.

OP I'm sorry for your loss 💐

She may not have wanted that. My mum and dad were civil in organising my sister's funeral but bloody hell they did not want to support each other. If I'm honest I think they were relieved that when it was over they could go back to ignoring each other again.

If your father has any decency, he’ll agree with his grandson’s wishes. With no argument.

so so sorry for your loss. I’ll be devastated if any of my siblings die before me. There’s nothing like the sibling bond, in my experience.

@Surplus2requirements @NerrSnerr

I'm so sorry. Such sad stories of loss💐

@Naughtybutnice76 So sorry for your loss 💐

The partner needs to put your families feelings first and not push in to what does not really concern her.

Your Nephew and Mum's feelings and needs come higher than hers and she needs to sit further back, your Mum is going through enough without having the woman who was part of the breakup of her marriage sitting near her.

Your Dad should either sit with his family or if he prefers he can sit with his partner further back.

The OP hasn't said if the mum minds or not. When we went through this my mum didn't mind. Surely that's the important thing and no one can say either way if they don't know.