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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters funeral

177 replies

Naughtybutnice76 · 29/06/2022 11:42

My sister sadly took her own life and the funeral is next week. Her son's wishes are that we as a family (mum, dad, sister, son) travel in the car and sit together at the funeral. My mum and dad are separated. My Dad wants his partner on the front row with us, the same woman he had an affair with while my parents were married. Is it unreasonable to ask that she doesn't sit with us? We all get along, that isn't the issue. It just feels like this should be a time where family wishes come first. AIBU?

OP posts:
springbreak22 · 29/06/2022 12:23

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Immediate family only in cars and front seats. AP should not be involved in these arrangements but be prepared for your father to sit/travel with her.

DaisyBD · 29/06/2022 12:24

One of my closest friends recently lost a daughter to suicide, and I know strictly speaking there is no hierarchy of grief, but actually there really is, and I think losing a child is right at the top (speaking as someone who very recently lost my much loved father - there is simply no comparison).

Your poor parents will need all the support they can get, and I think your father should have his partner sitting with him at the service if it can be managed. It's unimaginably hard to deal with this sort of loss. Could a compromise be, as @lugeforlife suggested, having just your parents and immediate family in the funeral car and having your dad's partner join him at the service?

Sending you all good wishes at this awful time. I'm so sorry for your dreadful loss.

Blankscreen · 29/06/2022 12:24

What a sad situation.

Could a possible compromise be that your dad sits as the end of the row of family and his partner is on the other side (so at the very end).

She's then not in the middle of the family row but is there for your dad.

But ultimately your nephew gets to decide.

theleafandnotthetree · 29/06/2022 12:25

The absolute norm here in Ireland is that 'blood' family (for want of a better word), i.e mother, father, children, siblings of the deceased sit in the front row with spouses of same sitting behind somewhere. So to me there wouldn't even be a need for your nephew to request it, everyone would just know - or should know - how these things roll. The spouse of your father would fall into the same category as your spouse (if you have one) and should not be front and centre.

saraclara · 29/06/2022 12:26

mast0650 · 29/06/2022 12:21

People are referring to your sister's wishes. How do they know what they would be?

It would be an unusual mother who didn't want her child put first.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 29/06/2022 12:26

@endofagain

The son has lost his mother. Your parents have lost their daughter. IMO the affair partner/ second wife should have a bit of respect/sensitivity and sit with the other spouses in the row behind the parents, son and siblings. There should be no arguing about it.

@ColadhSamh

Of course her son's wishes should be respected. He has lost his mother in tragic circumstances. He wants and needs his blood relatives close to him to help him through and support each other with what will be a very difficult day. I would hope your Dad's partner would be sensitive and recognise that while she can support your Dad she needs to stay in the background.

@RosieLemonadeAndSugar

I really don't think its fair that the mom who's lost her daughter has to sit with the affair partner on one of the hardest days of her life. Immediate family. Follow the sons wishes. His partner can support him, she doesn't need to be sitting next to him.

All of these. @Naughtybutnice76 Your sister's son's wishes need to be respected... Leave the affair partner out. She has no right to be there.

Thereisnolight · 29/06/2022 12:27

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 29/06/2022 12:09

I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but I think you should respect her son's wishes, and leave the affair partner out. It's horribly disrespectful to put her with the mum, dad, sister, and son. So she's your dad's partner? So what? She doesn't belong in the car in this instance.

Also, I am really sorry for the loss of your sister. How sad. Flowers

Agree.

Lakeyloo · 29/06/2022 12:28

So sorry for your loss. I too lost my sister and it was a difficult enough time without having family disagreements.
Surely her children's wishes should be listened too. It doesn't sound as if no one wants her there, just not seated at the very front. Can she not make her own way there and sit immediately behind your father so that she can still comfort him and is still in the family group ?

stayingpositiveifpossible · 29/06/2022 12:28

oh dear so sorry for your loss.

Cruse the bereavement people pointed out to me that there are two parallel grieving processes going on

there is yours

and then there is the group one.

Please make sure you look after yourself.

I'm not sure that your sister would have been so bothered about who sits in which car.

Personally I hate that thing with limousines at funerals. i'd rather walk there. Or get a bus.

I'd rather people were looked after in their grieving rather than maintain outward appearances of what they think is right.

Reminds me of the Royal Family.

And look how dysfunctional they are.

But that is just me. Look after yourself.

BlueShoesKate · 29/06/2022 12:29

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps I'll be dead, I won't care.

There's no hierarchy in grief. The son no more deserves to decide who should get the support they need than anyone else. As I said, they can relegate her dad to the back if they want or not sit in the car, it's obviously up to him. I just can't see the point. What if he's in floods of tears , or collapses? His daughter has killed herself, he might need a hand hold or an arm round him.

MrsTimRiggins · 29/06/2022 12:29

I don’t really see the issue with the partner sitting with your dad at the funeral given that you’ve said you all get along and it seems as tho it’s just on principle that you’d want her separate. She may not be considered family by you but probably is by your dad, and it’s his daughters funeral.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone so close, particularly in that way, is so incredibly difficult. Sending strength and love x

maddening · 29/06/2022 12:30

I agree with only direct family in that row.

If the ow can't suck in her own ego for the funeral and make sure that her partner is comfortable to allow her to sit in the next row then her feelings can be disregarded imo.

Fink · 29/06/2022 12:31

In principle, I think that the son's wishes should be respected as the closest family member, and the grandfather is old enough to get through a funeral without being next to his partner, who will presumably still be close by and able to support later.

However, you haven't mentioned ages and dates. Although I would go with the son anyway, I'd think he were more reasonable in his wishes if the affair and marriage breakup were relatively recent than if it were 50 years ago and the new couple have been together faithfully ever since. And if the son is still a child, it would add another dimension.

Sorry for your loss.

Thereisnolight · 29/06/2022 12:33

Surely the partner would herself realise that as she has no direct link to the deceased girl she should step back and let the grieving family take precedence? Or is it all a bit “I’m not letting him sit with his ex-wife, how dare she, this funeral is all about meee?” Surely not…

I’m very sorry for your loss and for the accompanying difficult family dynamics.

saraclara · 29/06/2022 12:34

When I was planning my husband funeral, for some reason best known to my grieving self, I prioritised what I thought my very lovely MIL would want from it (not that she asked for anything) over what would have been best for my daughters.

I regrett that hugely, now. I very much hope that when I die, the rest of my family will prioritise my daughters' wishes.

VioletToes · 29/06/2022 12:39

Why are so many pp considered about your Df feelings but not those of your DN or DM??

Having the OW sit up with family would be a no from me also.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 29/06/2022 12:44

I think it would be really important for your nephew to be made more comfortable, and I'm sure your DF's partner wouldn't mind sitting behind him rather than next to him.

HollowTalk · 29/06/2022 12:45

I'm so sorry you lost your sister. Flowers

So your mum has lost her beloved daughter and has to go to the funeral sitting next to the woman who shagged her husband when they were married?

Your poor mother. I can't believe the OW would agree to do this. I can't believe your dad would ask for it.

NightAndShiningArmour · 29/06/2022 12:46

A man is burying his daughter.

I hope he sits wherever the fuck he wants.

Pipsquiggle · 29/06/2022 12:50

I am so sorry for your loss.

It's a tough one. How long has your dad been with the OW?

If it was recently, she should not be involved.

If your DN has nothing to do with the OW, I can see why he wouldn't see her as part of his family.

TheAverageUser · 29/06/2022 12:50

I think you should respect the sons wishes and only have blood family at the front. So sorry about your sister.

Pipsquiggle · 29/06/2022 12:51

NightAndShiningArmour · 29/06/2022 12:46

A man is burying his daughter.

I hope he sits wherever the fuck he wants.

And a son is burying his mum before her time.

I am not sure who should usurp the other

MzHz · 29/06/2022 12:52

endofagain · 29/06/2022 12:21

The son has lost his mother. Your parents have lost their daughter. IMO the affair partner/ second wife should have a bit of respect/sensitivity and sit with the other spouses in the row behind the parents, son and siblings.
There should be no arguing about it.

Sadly, if she had the kind of respect you're hoping she has here, she wouldn't have had an affair with another woman's husband... Sure it would be nice if she did, but I wouldn't expect anything of her, or him for that matter.

Usually on threads with APs and first families, she/he will do anything and everything to forcefully insert them into the first family stuff

saraclara · 29/06/2022 12:52

NightAndShiningArmour · 29/06/2022 12:46

A man is burying his daughter.

I hope he sits wherever the fuck he wants.

And the woman who's burying her daughter? Does she matter? The son who's burying his mum? Does he matter?

Where there is dissent, I think it's wise to follow the established pattern of blood family on the front row, married-in on the row behind.

riesenrad · 29/06/2022 12:53

I've been at family funerals where the children of the deceased sit in the front row and their spouses sit behind them

Yes I went to MIL's funeral last week and sat behind DH so he could sit with his sister and brother (his wife did sit in the same row but that was ok).

I think any subsequent partner should be aware that their presence will be sensitive and stay in the background.

There certainly shouldn't any arguments, however. A funeral only lasts 20-45 mins depending on type. People can behave themselves for that length of time!

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