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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be bothered that I’m overweight

241 replies

megz1996 · 28/06/2022 13:31

Hiya all, trying this again.

So I’ve been a big girl since high school onwards but have gradually got bigger over the last few years. I was big when I met DH and bigger now, but he’s really not bothered. I’ve always been confident in myself and love me for me.

I get grief from my family constantly, mostly my mum and sister, which starts as the usual health concerns (and no I’m not denying weight and health are linked) then ends up being about how I look, what DH thinks etc. I know I probably should be more bothered than I am, but I'm just not.

AIBU to not be bothered about my weight, and to want to tell my family to butt out?

OP posts:
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 28/06/2022 13:37

As long as your body shape isn't stopping you doing what you need or want to do, and you're happy, then YANBU. I've found it very difficult to care post DC (having spent my 20s in the typical self-loathing cycle, despite actually being a lot slimmer than I am now!). But I have eventually found that the extra weight is giving me trouble - bad knees, bad back, can't really run after my kids like I want to, struggle to carry youngest up the stairs etc. So I'm trying to lose the weight. Again!

If it was just about how I looked, I honestly don't think I could give much of a fuck any more tbh now I'm 37 and a mum. I'm no longer horribly insecure and desperate for the validation of being 'pretty'. I just want to be able to get shit done without feeling tired all the time!

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 28/06/2022 13:39

And whether you wanted to lose weight or not, your mum and sister are definitely BU. It's not like moaning on at people has ever, in the entire history of time, caused anyone to stop overeating and lose weight. Quite the opposite in fact. YWNBU to tell them to shove it up their (presumably skinny!) bums.

PleasantBirthday · 28/06/2022 13:42

For the time we have on this earth, so long as you're healthy and mobile, I think you've the right attitude. There is no point in putting your life on hold because of your weight. Everyone should live their best life today for as long as they can and to hell with the begrudgers.

Vallmo47 · 28/06/2022 13:43

They need to butt out of your business I think Op so YANBU. I understand it is coming from a place of concern but you have to live in your body, only you can tell if the weight is causing a problem. The only thing is that sometimes bad health creeps up on you and by the point the GP has “the chat” with you, your health might already be at risk and you’re stuck with life long medication. I speak from experience on that one. But yes they should drop it now - they’ve had their say. The only person I listened to in the end was the GP when he very matter of factor gave me some hard truths. I needed to hear it at that point and have taken control for ME.

10HailMarys · 28/06/2022 13:45

YANBU. Your body, your choice. Absolutely none of anyone else's business. And you've clearly thought about the pros and cons and come to an informed decision - it's not like you're in denial. Your family really do need to fuck off with their 'concern'. You're confident and happy and your DH finds you attractive.

The only time I would say YABU to someone in this position would be if they were actually having weight-related health issues that they constantly moaned about and demanded endless attention for, while refusing to accept that they could fix the problem by losing some weight. But it's pretty clear from your post that you are not that person!

PinkDaffodil2 · 28/06/2022 13:48

YANBU to tell them to butt out, but the difficulty with weight gain is it doesn’t often cause obvious issues when you are young and mobile. Then by the time you’re in your 40s the health problems and medications start to add up, people decide then to lose weight but around the same time the joint problems start, limiting mobility.
It will never be easier than it is now to lose weight, have a care for yourself in 10 or 20 years.

Also keep an eye out for the signs of PCOD if you’re planning a family down the line.

hattie43 · 28/06/2022 13:49

How you look is entirely up to you .

Just make sure you have no regrets later with knackered knees or diabetes

TheWayoftheLeaf · 28/06/2022 13:49

I think being happy in yourself is far more important tbh. Stress, anxiety, self hatred and body image issues also damage health severely and impact well-being.

You sound wonderfully well balanced in your mind.

orIat · 28/06/2022 13:54

If you eat a healthy diet and you exercise then it doesn't matter.

snoochieboochies · 28/06/2022 13:55

Well the usual health concerns are real. Obesity leads to degenerative illness that can spell a long and painful goodbye to you. It's hell for all involved, difficult conversations with children and family as to why they're going to wake up one day soon with a world without you in it.

You could just leave it but that's an inevitability at some point. If you have no children I suppose it's less of an issue but I never want to face my child and tell her she will lose me prematurely because of decisions I made. I had to go through all this with alcohol myself, we all have our vice or our issue around health.

I'd say we owe it to our children to fix these issues but aside from that it's your life, and if you genuinely are not bothered just tell them this and to please leave you alone or they can lose you even sooner.

Original poster
megz1996 · 28/06/2022 14:01

DH and me don’t currently have children. We haven’t ruled it out (and we did talk about trying before we were married) but it’s not on agenda atm

OP posts:
GCRich · 28/06/2022 14:01

I have said this on here before, but some cancers are harder to diagnose or operate on or otherwise treat in overweight women than in smaller women. In fact, looking at this www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/obesity/obesity-fact-sheet suggests that obesity might well make cancers more likely AND outcomes worse.

I have such mixed feelings. I believe that most people are at their "natural weight" - if that weight is healthy then that's luck as much as anything. The fact that I am overweight is unlucky, but the fact I'm not very obese is lucky! Fighting this "natural weight" is damn hard and there's not point abusing or worrying people... on the other hand the potential difference between the quality of life of very fit people and very unfit people is massive, and that's before we get to lifespan.

moofolk · 28/06/2022 14:03

Good for you. Women are trained from girlhood to hate their bodies so it's always good to hear from someone who doesn't.

(I'm not going to get into the mind / body split here that makes us think of our bodies as something other than ourselves, but could go for ages on that.)

It's not a secret that being overweight is linked to some health problems, but so is stress, so not worrying may well be healthier than being thin.

It's also not a secret that it's your body, and everyone else can do one with their opinions of it!

It does seem to be a secret that women are supposed to hate themselves and that you are upsetting people by not obeying that rule. Confidence often makes other people feel insecure.

Keep at it

CrystalCoco · 28/06/2022 14:03

Genuinely not bothered or genuinely can't be bothered to do anything about it?

How much weight are we talking? Slightly overweight / obese?

Do you feel fit and healthy?

The bottom line for your family is that they are concerned for you, for the impact your weight has on your physical well being and for your marriage.

That said, they don't get to continually nag on about it, no one will lose weight for anyone but themselves and if you don't want to do it for yourself then they need to accept that and butt out.

winningate1758 · 28/06/2022 14:05

As long as you're happy OP, you do you. I presume the family members mean well and aren't just bullying you?

Original poster
megz1996 · 28/06/2022 14:07

I am about 23 stone currently so definitely obese.

I’m obviously not super fit but I am on my feet most of the day with my job rather than sitting around so probably more fit than you’d expect someone my size.

OP posts:
Original poster
megz1996 · 28/06/2022 14:08

I wouldn’t say they bully me but it’s just grating after a while hearing the same thing over and over again

OP posts:
saveforthat · 28/06/2022 14:08

I think it depends how overweight you are. I am overweight and not really bothered, would like to lose a stone or two but love my food so much I find cutting back hard. When I see extremely overweight people though I think they really need help to lose some of that because it does affect your family and love ones if you can't wall very far e.g.

saveforthat · 28/06/2022 14:09

Walk.

TrackTrack · 28/06/2022 14:10

My SIL is quite overweight (obese, if not morbidly obese) and she says the same, that she doesn't care and is confident in herself.

I'm so glad she's not depressed or unhappy, but I admit I'm worried about her health, especially for her three boys if they lost her if anything happened. Her family have a history of diabetes and heart conditions too. :(

saveforthat · 28/06/2022 14:11

Just seen your update so my answer is YABU not to be bothered and they ABU to nag you as nagging never works.

harriethoyle · 28/06/2022 14:12

At 23 stone, you are definitely storing up health problems for yourself ie joint, heart, organs, even if you don't have them now. I'm not surprised your family are trying to intervene - they're probably terribly worried about the effect of this on you, now and going forward, and don't want you to die prematurely.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2022 14:13

They need to butt out, but you need to accept the inevitable consequences of your lifestyle, and sadly, they won't be pleasant.

dolphinsarentcommon · 28/06/2022 14:15

I say his without judgement, but why aren't you bothered? Why aren't you bothered about the health risk? That you're probably shortening your life?

I'd be concerned that this doesn't bother you. You may not be bothered how you look (and fair play to you, it's superficial) but the affects on your health and well-being will be evident before long.

Wildehorses · 28/06/2022 14:17

If my sister/daughter/mother was 23 stone, I would be seriously worried about their long-term health as morbid obesity is implicated in so many conditions ...not sure I would be brave enough to confront them but at that weight, it is natural for them to be concerned, it would be odd if they were not!