To not be bothered that I’m overweight

[megz1996]

Hiya all, trying this again.

So I’ve been a big girl since high school onwards but have gradually got bigger over the last few years. I was big when I met DH and bigger now, but he’s really not bothered. I’ve always been confident in myself and love me for me.

I get grief from my family constantly, mostly my mum and sister, which starts as the usual health concerns (and no I’m not denying weight and health are linked) then ends up being about how I look, what DH thinks etc. I know I probably should be more bothered than I am, but I'm just not.

AIBU to not be bothered about my weight, and to want to tell my family to butt out?

I was the same weight as you. I'm 45, and I will say, hand on heart, I have thus far not experienced any weight-related health issues. My BP and blood sugar are fine, I don't have pain, I've always been able to do whatever I wanted to do, despite my weight. I had three problem-free pregnancies and super easy births at that weight.

However, I know it's only a matter of time before those things start to change. Also, I'm tired of feeling "conspicuous." I don't like people noticing me and being fat makes me feel like I'm being noticed. So I've decided to change it. I started April 24, and I am down 35 lbs as of Saturday. It's hard, but I wish I had done it when I was your age. Don't be like me.

You’re not unreasonable to feel how you feel and understand why your family bugging you is not helpful.

That said, a logical desire to live and long and healthy life should lead you to be concerned. Being that overweight WILL impact you long term and you will likely have trouble with joints, heart etc as you get older which could result in a miserable middle and older age.

YABU
You are at significant increased risk of poor health and have a social responsibility to the NHS to prevent this from happening. It's not about what you look like on the outside but what is going on internally.

Yes, I’ve seen that now. The original post could have been someone in a similar situation to me.
But at 23 stone the family is obviously worried about the health implications

I was big when I met DH and bigger now, but he’s really not bothered

Is he really not bothered that his wife is worryingly overweight? My friend's DH is morbidly obese (22 stones) and she worries every day that he'll be majorly unwell due to his size.

It’s very surprising that you claim to be not bothered about your weight. Perhaps you actually have very low self esteem and have already given up on yourself, believing that you don’t have the ability to change.

I smoked for a lot of years. Always knew it was bad for me and didn’t want to carry on smoking but was hopelessly addicted and failed multiple times at stopping (I got there eventually). I probably acted as though I ‘wasn’t bothered’ about those health warnings on the fag packets and those horrendous photos of throat cancers, blackened lungs etc.

I was bothered, very much so. But I had absolutely no faith in myself to be able to stop and thought I was destined to smoke forever so I had to just ignore all those health warnings for all the years I smoked. Just literally didn’t ever look at them or read them and would change the subject if someone tried to point out the dangers of smoking to me. Denial was the only strategy available to me. I wonder if this is similar to what’s happening with you.

Or maybe you are genuinely not bothered. Maybe you think you will just accept those inevitable health problems when they come. Is it fair though on your partner who you presumably love and want to spend a long life with? Is it fair to expect him to potentially become your carer far sooner than any of us might reasonably expect to become a carer to their partner? I know terrible things can happen in life, and I would of course care for my DH if he became ill or disabled. But I can’t promise I wouldn’t be a bit hacked off if the reason for his illness or disability could have been avoided.

With your BMI, OP, I think you are able to get surgery to assist with weight loss through the NHS. That's just an option to consider if you don't want to diet or find it too difficult. As others have said, addressing the issue now while you are still young, would make such a difference to your life and health. Your confidence in yourself is wonderful and a great gift that many of us don't have. Use that confidence to support you through making positive changes. X

@steff13 that's awesome. Well done.

Given the right circumstances, loving family, relationship with someone who finds you attractive, job you can do regardless of your size, a natural leaning towards sedentary interests, overall pleasant life, and no health issues, lots of people wouldn't care that they were overweight.
In reality I think a lot of people aren't at all bothered, and its a myth that every OW person hates themselves and doesn't lose weight because of low self worth.
They might prefer to be slim if there was a magic wand, but they're not bothered enough to make changes.
Its very hard then to be motivated to do something that seems to offer little gain, because you like your life anyway, and at 26, the thought of possible problems in your later years, when you may think you'll no longer care (You will!) isn't that meaningful.
Not sure what the answer is, but I understand where the OPs coming from.

I'm around your age and I'm guessing part of the issue is that we are now embracing acceptance over shaming, but that can become confusing in the face of actual issues.

I think you're probably focusing so much on the superficial aspects that you've become complacent and lost sight of the actual health risks.

"I like how I look, so it's not a problem."

But as others have pointed out, it's unfortunately not a question of looks or body shaming - you're taking huge risks with your health and life.

I know it feels overwhelming but you can't hide behind being happy with who you are/how you look. You do need to change. And I know from experience how awful and scary that can be to face up to, but once you get the hang of it you will feel so much better.

I wonder how all the people saying your family should " butt out " would feel if their adult child weighed 23 Stones ? I would guess they're worried about you.
I've nursed so many people over the years with awful problems due to their obesity. Lymphodeama causing dreadful leg ulcers, cancers, heart failure , immobility, and of course diabetes. Of course it's your life, but don't kid yourself about possible/probable consequences.

Thank you! It's difficult, but I'm trying to change my mindset around food. And I just got a home gym thing, so I'm going to add exercise into the mix. Once I take 3 rest days from setting it up. 😂

I'm sorry OP, but I changed my vote based on the update of your actual weight.
I am overweight and mostly it doesn't bother me, although I occasionally worry about future problems. However, you weigh almost twice as much as I do.
You are in real danger of facing numerous problems and you are eventually going to have mobility issues. Your family are certainly not going to achieve anything by constantly telling you that you need to lose weight, it is only going to happen if you want it to, but I can see why they are concerned. It's good that you are happy, but gently I would suggest that you need to start thinking about the quality of your life as you get older.

I’m a bit smaller then you OP. After years I have stopped trying to lose weight.

what I have started to do is focus on the quality of my food, lots of fruit and veg and regular exercise including weight bearing exercise. I do yoga to increase my mobility and balance. I think I’m going to get a bike soon and maybe ride to work. All of these things are much more enjoyable because I don’t care about my weight.

can I recommend “the maintenance phase” podcast. If you like podcasts it’s a good one to be entertained by

35lb? Bloody hell that’s amazing, well done 👍

Did anyone watch that ‘Brits go large’ programme last week? The people on there are allegedly happy with their weight despite being huge (I think they are lying to themselves much like you OP). But what shocked me was at the end it was dedicated to one of the men who was in it, who had died. He was only 38 and had 2 young DC ffs. Complications of covid due to his size. What a bloody waste.

Up to you.

23 stone is going to properly fuck up your body though.

So just catching up on everything after a busy day. Wow.

i don’t really know what to say. I guess in response to some of the stuff I saw asked…

No, if I had the choice I’d obviously choose to be a size 10 than the weight I am. I think that’s different to being completely bothered about it though because it’s hypothetical.

I really do get that there’s real health issues being this weight. I didn’t mean to make out that I’m healthy or anything by talking about my job. I just meant that I’m a hairdresser so I am up on my feet most of the day instead of sitting down. I know my fitness isn’t amazing though compared to someone who is normal weight.

And about DH, he’s normal weight himself not big too. I’m sure he must worry about health stuff but when I say he’s not bothered, he’s least said my weight isn’t an issue for him and he loves me for me. I do believe that because i was quite a bit smaller (but still big) when we met.

I’m sorry coz ive probably missed loss of questions but i am trying my best to read everything.

As long as your weight isn't impacting on your health or ability to function, it's no one's business but yours. Be honest, can you breathe ok? Walk ok? Get in and out of a car? Reach your own feet? Get shoes to fit? Do you have folds of skin that get sore? As long as it's not causing you problems it's not their business.

It’s great that you’re quite mobile for now OP, but standing and walking around in your job is a very minimal measure of ‘fitness’. Could you run for a bus? Run up a flight of stairs? Walk briskly up a steep hill without needing to stop and catch your breath? Move quickly and easily from lying down to standing up and back again? Those are all things I would expect someone of your age to be able to do very easily (unless they had disabilities or health conditions of course). And as many PPs have pointed out, youth is on your side so this is likely the fittest and healthiest you will ever be, if you remain at your current weight. And you are likely to get heavier unless you do something about it.

I am glad you have confidence though and that your partner loves you.

I think you should prioritise losing weight now if you can, being relatively young can mask a lot of things that will cause you problems in later life. If you do decide to have children one day you may find your options extremely limited should you need any extra help to conceive. I’ve been overweight all my life except a stint at 9.5 stone when I was 21, I’m 38 now and have problems with my knees and circulation that have likely been caused by excess weight. Like you, I’m generally healthy and have had no real limitations in life but I would advise anyone to lose weight if they can. At my heaviest I was 18 stone and I’m now around 14.5 after having my second baby a year ago. Slimming World works for me when I do it and I’m starting again next week when I go back to work after mat leave. It’s fabulous that you are confident in yourself but please try and prioritise your health.

You sound lovely OP but honestly, 23 stone at 26 is really worrying and I'm not surprised your mum and sister are concerned. It takes a really high calorie intake to maintain that sort of weight and you are setting yourself up for a lot of life limiting chronic diseases if you remain this obese.

No I do agree, like I said I’m not pretending I have great fitness. It’s a while since I’ve tried running at all being honest.

I think you are only not bothered because you are young. You are unlikely to make it much past 60 at that size and will definitely feel a lot less mobile in 20 years. I think you should be bothered because you have DC and are cutting your life short. I’d be terribly worried if someone in my family was that weight just as if they were 5 stone or less. Either way I’d struggle just to butt out.

Oh bloody hell sorry I see you don’t have DC I don’t know what I was reading! Yes I think anyone super sized or supper thin should be bothered.