Racist message in group chat WWYD?

[Thebeastofsleep]

DH, not me. Is in a group chat for an up coming stag group. DH only knows he stag and no other attendees/ group members. One group member has been posting 'banter' in the chat - memes, videos etc. Most of these have been fairly normal fodder, some slightly offensive. No one in the group has reciprocated/ commented on these but he keeps doing it. Stag has commented that its a group to plan the stag do, not a jokes thread and tried to get it back on track. Now the same person has posted an overtly racist video. Its shocking. DH is absolutely outraged.

WWYD:

1. comment that the video is completely in appropriate and leave the group and not attend the stag do.
2. comment that the video is completely inappropriate and leave group but still attend the do.
3. comment as above but stay in the group and attend.
4. say nothing, leave the group.
5. say nothing, act like it didn't happen.

DH is erring on 1 at the moment but he has no idea who this person is in relation to the stag/ rest of the group other than he isn't the best man.

2, call him out. Standing by and not saying anything will leas him ti believe it's acceptable, it's not and needs addressing. What's the worst thst can happen? A racist doesn't attend the stag night? Can't see anyone being upset with that

But something was said and it was called out?

By one person.

Otherwise the silence is deafening., which, as 5128 says, is a privilege.

There should have been a chorus of condemnation.

@Meraas we have no idea how many people actually opened the message! I don’t ever open stuff on WhatsApp in case it’s a virus/spam/ rubbish.

Yes, but my point is that it's a privilege to be in the position where the hardest thing for you about witnessing an act of hate is that it's awkward to say something about it.
And yes, you can apply that to other groups. Being able to tut tut about how awful something is that is when its directed to someone who is not you, and would never be directed at you, is a much more privileged position than being on the receiving end of it

Ofcourse but even as a gay woman I hear plenty of homophobia but find it awkward to call out simply because I'm not assertive-many people aren't. That doesn't make one homophobic or complicit who says nothing. Likewise I've heard cancer,adoption and epileptic jokes. 1 of the people in the gang had cancer and said nothing and my mate was adopted and said she often heard adoption jibes/comments/jokes but never confronted it and so on.

I think the message on this thread that it's shocking people don't call it out is highly unrealistic-often people can't and don't because they lack the assertiveness.
Likewise, the apparent 'remove yourself from the group of people and cut all ties' is also unrealistic. We all likely hang out in a group or have done with a person who's behaviour you thought was/is unacceptable but you still aren't going to cut aload of friends or cut off social life because of that. That's a bit idealistic.

I have seen umpteen threads of posters who were angered by family and friends saying intolerant stuff over the years but none of them ever came back and said they disowned the family/friendship group over 1 person or 2 people etc.

Yes. After dithering through a list of options that included pretending it didn't happen, the OPs DH CHOSE to call it out. Cue chorus of isn't he wonderful, you must be so proud etc etc... for doing something that should be the default.
Equally he could have chosen to do nothing, like many on here are congratulating themselves on being 'honest enough' to admit they would do.
What choices would he have had as a POC? There's a huge difference between 'should I go to a stag do with someone who hates black people' and 'should I go to a stag do with someone who hates me because I'm black'
The difference and the choices are the privelege of the white person.

Why not ask OP? Her husband will he able to tell how many opened and read the message.

You’re just making excuses, which is depressingly par for the course. So many people just want to maintain the status quo.

Option 3 or this

Pull him up on his behaviour but not miss out on a nice night out because of one idiot.

What choices would he have had as a POC? There's a huge difference between 'should I go to a stag do with someone who hates black people' and 'should I go to a stag do with someone who hates me because I'm black'
The difference and the choices are the privelege of the white person

i don't think posting racist gags mean you hate black people though. I am gay and hear many gay and str8 friends make gay jokes and I laugh-me being gay doesn't make me have any more right to laugh but we do and it doesn't make us homophobic. Likewise I've heard many black colleagues makes black jokes and say the 'n' word, doesn't mean they hate black people.

There's a big difference between black people using that word with each other, and a white person posting a racist meme.

I'm neither gay nor a POC, so its not up to me to comment on how people who are might receive those jokes. Perhaps some people might be able to watch a video about shooting people from a group they belonged to and not assume there was any hatred, but were I to see a video of shooting women for example, I know I'd assume the person posting it was a misogynist.

Have the 'gay jokes' you've heard being told by straight people been about shooting (insert gay slur here) set to music?

If so, and you personally found them funny, would you honestly tell another gay person who didn't fine it funny that they were wrong to say that joke was homophobic?

And obviously where I say joke I mean 'joke' as I don't personally believe joke is an appropriate description of a video about people being shot, especially using slurs against them.

@Meraas making excuses for what? I’m just saying there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation, we haven’t got all of the facts but as usual MN likes to extrapolate wildly. BTW, you have no idea what colour/race I am so please don’t assume anything.

but were I to see a video of shooting women for example, I know I'd assume the person posting it was a misogynist

perhaps but I think it can be style of humour with some people-some people have a very twisted sense of humour but generally aren't haters. Alot of very ppular stand ups make very hard jokes and have huge swathes of fans, shows like South Park can have very edgy humour. Again it has massive international fanbase but I wouldn't say all the fans support racism/homophobia/misogyny/nazism just because they laugh at the jokes

I honestly don't know whether they are or not and if i were the person the 'joke' was directed at I'd not know either.
There is no way to tell whether someone who posts hate as a 'joke' is just a sick, insensitive person of low intelligence and zero empathy, or whether they genuinely think your death would be funny.

I did admit I wouldn’t do anything. Yes as a white person I’m privileged. However I do have a thousand other problems I’m dealing with and while it’s of course the right thing to do to fight someone else’s battles I’m kind of (selfishly) consumed with what’s going in in my own life atm to get involved with other peoples discriminations.

To be fair, we were asked to imagine ourselves in the OPs DHs position. He and the others clearly have enough spare capacity in their lives to plan a stag do, so I doubt a one line message to say racism was unacceptable would be beyond them. Its not a choice between offering up huge amounts of time and head space to fight injustice in all its forms and doing absolutely nothing. A two minute message to say its offensive isn't much to ask of anyone.

Are you people still derailing the poor OP’s thread? How hard is it for you to stop arguing with obviously racist trolls. Take advice from several previous posters: this isn’t lack of education. It’s deliberate strategy to waste your time.

The author Toni Morrison said it best:

“The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.”

@Thebeastofsleep anyway, is there an update you’re willing to share? Thanks for sharing with us so far.

It may be though and could make the person anxious to call something out. Not you personally but I’ve heard people saying not calling out racism is as bad as being racist and don’t always agree with that. Choosing to not get involved with something that doesn’t affect you personally is not as bad as being and doing racist things, it just isn’t. . I appreciate what you are saying though.

Can people please stop responding to the man who wants to make it all about himself?

There is no way to tell whether someone who posts hate as a 'joke' is just a sick, insensitive person of low intelligence and zero empathy, or whether they genuinely think your death would be funny

Whilst I'm not condoning it though, I think people here are going too far in saying the person should be abolished from society/peers etc. As I said before there are some extreme examples of humour on South Park and stand up shows that many of us would chuckle at the odd time whether we'd admit it or not. And they use some of the darkest material.

Ofcourse that doesn't make us haters. I think the guy that posted it was foolish and shouldn't be posting racist jokes or any jokes bashing any group but it's a bit of a stretch to say he's an extreme racist etc. He just has no filter, a Southpark humour and is lacking in appropriate social skills.

There was a thread on here-link posted, about a poster's dh making a cancer joke during a cancer documentary and it was a very dark joke yet many posters agreed they laughed and it's the kind of joke they might make/laugh at but would need to know their audience.

In essence what I'm saying is that black humour(no pun intended) can have its place and we are all probably guilty of laughing at it or even telling it at some stage but again it has a time and a place. I wouldn't laugh about it or watch content like it in front of my conservative parents or share it with colleagues etc.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3730618-To-be-sat-here-thinking-WTAF

And i certainly wouldn't post any black humour on a whatsapp group chat filled with strangers.

The video OP described isn't black humour, it's flat out racism.