Racist message in group chat WWYD?

[Thebeastofsleep]

DH, not me. Is in a group chat for an up coming stag group. DH only knows he stag and no other attendees/ group members. One group member has been posting 'banter' in the chat - memes, videos etc. Most of these have been fairly normal fodder, some slightly offensive. No one in the group has reciprocated/ commented on these but he keeps doing it. Stag has commented that its a group to plan the stag do, not a jokes thread and tried to get it back on track. Now the same person has posted an overtly racist video. Its shocking. DH is absolutely outraged.

WWYD:

1. comment that the video is completely in appropriate and leave the group and not attend the stag do.
2. comment that the video is completely inappropriate and leave group but still attend the do.
3. comment as above but stay in the group and attend.
4. say nothing, leave the group.
5. say nothing, act like it didn't happen.

DH is erring on 1 at the moment but he has no idea who this person is in relation to the stag/ rest of the group other than he isn't the best man.

But you can pick and choose what you wish to discuss on a specific thread.

@SurfBox, why not start your own thread about misandry if you feel so strongly about it? Or is it more that you don't give a shit about racism, so you're trying, and failing, to equate the two? I'm also the mother of a son. A black son. I find it galling that you're saying misandry is the same as racism? How many men have been murdered just because they're men? How many offensive words exist for men? How many men are pulled over by the police just because they're men?
Get in the bin with your nonsense.

Again, if someone in one instance is fundraising for breast cancer research would you feel the need to say that xyz other cancer is also terrible and they need to be doing the same for that one too? Tell them they can't 'pick and choose' which cancer is worse? I assume you wouldn't. Because it would be ridiculous.

You've successfully me-railed a thread about racism.

Congrats.

Exactly this.

This is a very tolerant approach from someone so high and mighty about misandry. I thought you couldn't pick and choose?

Surfbox you are misunderstanding white privilege. It doesn’t mean that white people are all privileged, you can have black investment bankers and white people on the dole. It means that as a cohort, white people have more advantages than black people. Because of inherent racism and unconscious bias in our society the white investment banker is more likely to earn more than the black investment banker. The black boy from a council estate is more likely to be stopped and searched than the white boy from a council estate and so forth.

Oh, and in answer to your request, that would be a no from me.
I will not take the same approach to a video advocating shooting people of colour as I would to some negative comments about men on MN.

@SurfBox

White privilege doesn't mean that all white people are 'privileged' in that they are rich etc.

White privilege doesn't mean a white person's life hasn't been hard. It means that their skin colour isn't one of the things making it harder.

It also means white people benefit from institutions that inherently value and protect white people above other races.

These aren't difficult concepts to understand if you're open to listening and learning.

Hopefully you understand now that white privilege doesn't mean being rich or living in a mansion.

You said on MN all men live in mansions, are minted, have high profile jobs etc. You must be missing the literally hundreds of threads where normal women post about their families who earn normal wages, asking for help budgeting, for advice re childcare solutions etc etc. And many threads aren't about men at all, they're by women asking for help and advice on a massive variety of topics.

Your confirmation bias must be astonishing if you happen not to recall those types of threads when you paint MN as a hotbed of misandry.

And of course the relationships section, for example, is going to have more examples of male partners people are unhappy with, because women in a happy relationship are much less likely to be asking for relationship advice...

You really are bored, aren't you Mr Chippy?

I’d assume the person was not only racist but also had mental deficits. It’s not possible in 2022 to think that racism is acceptable if you have a functioning brain.

the stag should make a new group without this person and deal with him separately

3 more people need to call this sort of thing out, I hope others have but everyone else might be thinking like your DH not sure how to respond. TBH I think the stag or best mab should take control and I'd be questioning whether others want to have this man along anymore

I will not take the same approach to a video advocating shooting people of colour as I would to some negative comments about men on MN

why? Don't you have sons/brothers/father/grandfather? Are they all to be condemned?

You think that negative comments on Mumsnet are on par with people of colour being shot, therefore require the same response from people?

You think that negative comments on Mumsnet are on par with people of colour being shot, therefore require the same response from people

the op hadn't revealed what was done/said in her earlier comments and still the board was flooded with condemnation over racist comments they hadn't heard. Meanwhile mn often flooded with open misandry and nobody says boo.

Yes they did.

The video is a collection of video clips/ images of black people with a song over the top in an American deep south style (don't know the name of the style, heavy with banjo) about shooting [insert racist term].

And @SurfBox I'm going to disengage with you now because you're not engaging in good faith and despite being so keen to have a conversation about misandry, you've hijacked a thread about racism rather than starting your own thread to discuss your concerns about men.

Well done.

This is why racism and other discrimination doesn't get addressed as often as it should

There's a massive difference between banter and inappropriate comments on race, sexuality etc

You said this despite OP saying clearly in their first post:

Now the same person has posted an overtly racist video. Its shocking. DH is absolutely outraged.

How on earth is sharing an overtly racist, shocking video 'banter'?

*I'm going to disengage with you now because you're not engaging in good faith and despite being so keen to have a conversation about misandry, you've hijacked a thread about racism rather than starting your own thread to discuss your concerns about men.

Well done*

if you felt I was hijacking something and didn't like my approach then why did you engage with it?

The incel site is thataway >>>

I have an adult son and a male partner. I don't feel the need to silence women discussing their experiences of male behaviour to protect their feelings, and neither would they wish me to. As white males they acknowledge their privilege and would be amongst the first to point out that suggesting the impact on them of anything said on MN is comparable to racism, is as offensive as it is ignorant.
If you are a woman, your instinct to protect men from criticism on MN is misplaced. The decent aware men out there wouldn't want it. The others don't deserve it.

What misandry? Can you link to what you are talking about?

I think asking why I'm defending racists and enablers is pretty aggressive.

I didn't tell you to bloody do anything.

I'm just looking at it from a less hysterical point of view.

Racism is abhorrent. We know this. There is no place for it in society full stop. And tbh it honestly still galls me that anyone faces it.

However, we don't really knwo the full context. Maybe the man is the brides uncle, grandad, father, whatever, and she has asked the stag to deal with it privately. Maybe they have dealt with it privately and their priority wasn't whatsapp. Who knows.

as for all withdrawing from the wedding, I think that's a ridiculous course of action. If OP's husband was pals with someone who behaves like that, surely she would know before now.

No, don't. Let's not derail any further. Misandry is commonplace on MN but it's not really got anything to do with the OP.

Please don't bring the controversial term of white male privilege into a chat that has nothing to do with it.