To have had enough of ‘be kind’

[Trainfromredhill]

DC (9)is at a school with a ‘be kind’ mantra. In her head at least this has taken hold as ‘I must be kind to all people at all times irrespective of how horrible they are to me or how uncomfortable they make me feel’.
Standing up for herself no longer appears to be allowed because it may upset the person who has upset her or made her feel uncomfortable, and that would be unkind. Fast forward a few years and I’m genuinely concerned that she will find herself unable to set boundaries for fear of appearing unkind.
has anyone else experienced similar?

Yes, that is what I was taught. It took me many years to learn to defend myself.

You need to talk to the school.

Has there been a specific incident?

Because I see parents justifying all sorts of awful, mean behaviour as 'setting boundaries' and 'standing up for himself' at school.

Hmm, hard to say as it depends what is actually going on - it is good to be kind, with appropriate boundaries.

What's the alternative - be unkind?

Boundaries are a separate - and very important - matter.

Totally agree op

just be kind isn’t enough

be as kind as you whilst making sure you don’t redregard your own thoughts and feelings

Can you tell us what sort of 'standing up for herself' isn't allowed?

Talk to her. Teach her to challenge unkind behaviour as by her own definition.

My DD was bullied at Primary School, I always told her you don't start it, but you finish it and Mum & Dad will be 100% behind you.

Indeed. And these are the kind of kids who, in my experience, grow up to be the adults who 'tell it like it is' and 'call a spade a spade' and 'aren't fake (i.e. don't know how to be polite to people they don't really like, something which is basically essentially to adult life)'.

I think being kind generally is a good way to live you life, but OP your daughter does need to be able to identify situations where she doesn't have to respect someone who isn't respectful to her.

I hate ‘be kind’!

I would prefer be polite/civil/not rude.

Be kind destroys boundaries and makes people, women and young girls in particular, very vulnerable to those who would take advantage of them.

What does this mean? In practice? How are you advising they finish it?

Urgh, in my day, at my Catholic school it was all 'turn the other cheek', as though there is some sort of piety in being persecuted. Psychologically, it's awful. It takes a long time to unlearn and know how to stand your ground in the right way.

The people who say "Be Kind" seem to assume it means to do nothing in the face of abuse.

It's not kind to allow a bully to carry out negative behaviour.

Yes I was tought to be a "nice girl" I was always kind and never reacted etc.
I have low self esteem, lack confidence and despite being very very highly qualified I never reach the top because I am too "nice".
Unfortunately I have now also produced nice polite children. I am actively now not telling them to always be kind. Polite but stand your ground and question is now my message ie don't take crap like I do!

'Be kind' is used by people who don't like to be challenged.

Teach your daughter to challenge behaviour that she doesn't like.

@BeautifulWar was going to say the same thing. It's just another fucking catechism to shut you up.

I think it should be "Be kind to those who merit it". Some of the absolute bitches I went to high school with haven't changed in adulthood and in no way deserved any leeway from the meeker kids.

I think it depends on the school. The school I work at encourages children to be kind but also to set boundaries and express themselves confidently when they are upset or uncomfortable with something. The two can be compatible but children need to be shown when to be kind and when to stand up for themselves with strong PSHE lessons and this being modelled by teachers.

How about "be kind to yourself" which means standing up for yourself.

Copying and pasting what I wrote about hating ‘be kind’ yesterday, because I can’t be arsed writing it out again.

The problem with ‘be kind’ is that it’s a mindless throwaway hashtag that is paid lip service to whilst simultaneously being treated as a dogma to wield against other people, meaning ‘give me what I want or you’re mean’. While some may tell it to their sons it’s almost exclusively aimed at women too, because god forbid a woman ever asset and prioritise herself. Being ‘mean’ (assertive and confident when men do it, usually) obviously being the worst thing a woman could ever be.

As a slogan it completely lacks context and any sense of the nuance that is present in most situations involving human beings. What happens when being kind to someone means being unkind to someone else? What about when being kind fucks you over, or your kids? I guess just keep relegating your own needs and theirs, no matter the cost and what it teaches in regards to valuing self.

But also want to add, like many posters here, I was always told to be kind growing up and basically allow anything unkind that was happening to me and did for many years as an adult too. I look at my students and am so proud of how confident they are at expressing themselves and communicating their upset and they are only 8 and 9 whilst also being so incredibly kind and caring to those who need it. Hoping this isn't quashed by their secondary school.

Ugh ‘be kind’.

I agree with you.

Yes to this post. I agree.

Complain. It is a ridiculous, ill thought out and ridiculous mantra to teach to young children. There is a big world out there with some horrible people.

Being kind doesn't mean she has to put up with whatever is thrown at her. Tell her that x,y,z behaviours are not ok. No one has the right to be rude or mean or violent to her and she just has to take it on the chin. Talk her through what she can do if someone is upsetting her or she has to defend herself walk away , say stop loudly,put her hand out, tell a teacher , tell you. Repeat these conversations, give her examples when you had to behave like that and keep at it. It takes quite a while to reframe that train of thought .If the school os not supportive, then it's your job as a parent to step in.

She doesn't have to be kind, she just doesn't have to be a dick.

But they are not separate. That is the point of the thread.

I'm 50 and was taught that as well. I still can't stand up for myself effectively although I am trying.

@whumpthereitis has it.