To have had enough of ‘be kind’

[Trainfromredhill]

DC (9)is at a school with a ‘be kind’ mantra. In her head at least this has taken hold as ‘I must be kind to all people at all times irrespective of how horrible they are to me or how uncomfortable they make me feel’.
Standing up for herself no longer appears to be allowed because it may upset the person who has upset her or made her feel uncomfortable, and that would be unkind. Fast forward a few years and I’m genuinely concerned that she will find herself unable to set boundaries for fear of appearing unkind.
has anyone else experienced similar?

Maybe in theory. Not so much in practice.

I like be kind as a motto. I always have. I think people are deliberately obtuse about it.

My DD was bullied at Primary School, I always told her you don't start it, but you finish it and Mum & Dad will be 100% behind you

that can be outright dangerous advice, the safest is to walk away and inform authority. This and in primary school they are kids and being mean to each other is common place especially with girls-did you expect her to batter them? Even in self defense classes the main dogma is walk away, deescalate the situation asap. It's the difference of getting glassed on the face or knived.

OP I'm hacked off with be kind too. It's so often women and girls that are expected to be kind to their aggressors

only bekind was made in relation to Caroline flack who was a female aggressor, let's not bash men with this 1.

I missed how old?

whatever the age though, your suggestion re what you’d like to say is far too wordy

"how old do you envisage the children saying this to realistically be?"

I was responding to pp saying this sort of thing is reasonable. I am just pointing out the difficulties as there is always another child on the receiving end.

I think the friendship will drift naturally if your dd gravitates away and towards other friends.

There doesn't need to be a speech. If the other child 'told on her' then she did the right thing - told an adult about something that upset her, so that the adult could deal with it.

There is no need to burn bridges as they may be thrown together again at some point. I have certainly seen arch enemies resurrecting friendships at secondary school.

She will just 'play with someone different today', pair up with someone else for PE, stop contacting her out of school etc and the other pupil will get the message that the friendship has moved on. Your dd is polite but distant. Of course, what she doesn't do is start telling other people to stop being friends with this other girl. They will make their own choices.

No, she wasn't.

No, she wasn't

erm yes she was

I know someone like this.
excuses herself by saying ‘you know what I’m like!’
yeah, a not very nice person.
She intentionally upset me a few years ago, she apologised afterwards by saying ‘you know me!’, but I have never forgotten it. At the time I told her to stop it - that was my ‘boundary’ - I had to be very explicit as I felt myself getting more upset but I had to shut her down.

Yes, she was.

Its association with her has tainted what used to be a nice, positive message.

What a ridiculous viewpoint.

The woman was a danger to herself.

She was hounded to death by tbe media and even now folk are still kicking her over the face her final message on instagram was be kind. Ironic!

*The woman was a danger to herself.

She was hounded to death by tbe media and even now folk are still kicking her over the face her final message on instagram was be kind. Ironic*

And a danger to others, would you say the same if it was Chris Browne? I do feel pity for her but let's be honest, if the gender was flipped she'd never have received the same support and I don't get why people on mn say this bekind dogma only applies to females-it doesn't.

Being kind does not mean not defending yourself. Being kind to a child who is having difficulties is acceptable. I don't think any child is being taught to be kind to a child who is em, but the bully will be taught to be kind.

Chris was sober and battered the shit pit of Rhianna.

Caroline assaulted her boyfriend but the blood in the photo is her. She repeatedly asked for mental health support. We failed her.

Trying to pretend that she was some kind of dreadful domestic abuser and that is perfectly fine she is dead is a disgusting view.

Plenty of children will be taught to be kind to the bully ,or at least turn a blind eye because of x,y,z reasons.

It’s just code for ‘agree with me and do what I want’.

Yanbu my DD bloody announces it to me and I counter it. As a family we are entitled to set our own moral standards. I try to give her the vocabulary to shut people down.
The other day she said to me X just pushed me so I told her to push him back which she did. He retaliated and she kicked him. I know some people will disapprove but as an adult if someone shoved me I would legally be entitled to return the favour

#bekind has, unfortunately, just become another way to put mostly women in their place.

Teaching and expecting tolerant and respectful behaviour is one thing, this hashtag-based nonsense has just gone too far.

No, it's words of a dead woman twisted and hemd onto by faux wide eyed self I indulgent feminists who are trying to pretend you cant possibly be a kind and understanding person yet also stand up for yourself when needed

I am not far off age to caroline and my dad taught me that many years ago to be a kind and nice person and be responsible for my own actions and decisions and not anyone elses. I am kind and nice to people who shit on me, because I'm me and not them. And I dont nedd other women acting as mu sort of moral guardian and telling me how I should behave. If I want to jse the phrase I bloody will. Its interesting how women claiming to be feminists and support women only do so when it suits.

Whumpthereitis has hit* *the nail on the head.

I work in a primary school. We don't use #bekind. Rather, we point to the school values. For example, everyone in the school should be treated with respect. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them, and it means your boundaries should be respected too.

Personally, I also feel part of our role is teaching emotional resilience. That does not mean accepting bullying (our school has a no tolerance policy), but children need to be equipped with how to cope emotionally with friendship ups & downs eg 1 might try and keep another 'exclusively' at playtimes, while the other does still want to be friends but also wants to extend the people they play with. The first child in this scenario then struggles with feelings/fear of rejection, amongst other things. The second in this scenario needs to know that they are free to choose who to play with and that their wishes need to be respected. Both need support to have a healthy friendship.

Thankfully our school has an incredible pastoral & inclusion team. All staff can pass any concerns to them, and they are incredible at finding solutions. The recording system we use can also show patterns in behaviour, which is useful in determining triggers or if we need to escalate to other forms of help eg healthy relationship work.

I agree.

And as much as #bekind might be on insta or clothing, I see just as many posts about not being able to pour from en empty cup etc.

Of course you can be ‘kind’ and not be a pushover, but plenty of people use ‘be kind’ to explicitly mean be a pushover, and they usually mean it in relation to women. And that’s the issue.

Good for you, I guess? I’m not kind and nice to people who attempt to shit on me, and I’m not sure why that’s something to aspire to tbh. They can get to fuck.

But they don't. They really don't. You are creating connections that arent there.

Re your second point, I didn't say you had to aspire to. But I'm proud of who I am.

Except they do. They really do.

I’m not creating connections that aren’t there, I’m stating what I have observed and have experience of. As have other posters taking issue with the statement. That you have neither observed nor experience this does not invalidate those of us that have.