To have had enough of ‘be kind’

[Trainfromredhill]

DC (9)is at a school with a ‘be kind’ mantra. In her head at least this has taken hold as ‘I must be kind to all people at all times irrespective of how horrible they are to me or how uncomfortable they make me feel’.
Standing up for herself no longer appears to be allowed because it may upset the person who has upset her or made her feel uncomfortable, and that would be unkind. Fast forward a few years and I’m genuinely concerned that she will find herself unable to set boundaries for fear of appearing unkind.
has anyone else experienced similar?

And when that doesn't work?

YANBU. I am fucking sick of it. It's always aimed at girls and women too.

I saw T-shirts in Asda the summer before last... GIRLS T-shirts said 'Be kind' on them. And BOYS t-shirts said 'BE BOLD!'

Just fuck off with that fucking fucking FUCKING SHIT!

And when that doesn't work?
’you make me and my friends uncomfortable and we don’t want to play with you’ is just as bad if not worse than them saying eg ‘we’re not playing with you’ or ‘leave us alone’ or the like so if they’re in that position I guess then it’s a case of saying’look sorry but we want to play ourselves’ again. You tell someone they make you feel uncomfortable and that person is in for years of trying to figure out what people don’t like about them. As I said there’s somewhere in between be kind and just be 100% out for yourself!!!

I have taught my dc that the kindest thing can be to show other dc that if they behave in a certain way then there are consequences (dc not wanting to play etc). Otherwise they will grow up thinking that they can get away with it and have really big problems as adults. This does however include giving the offending dc future chances to make better choices, a one strike and you are out policy is not kind unless it is very egregious. It seems to have worked reasonably well and recently my dd (early teens) took a pushy boy down a peg or two when he inserted himself into the conversation of her friend group and criticized and put down several of them by bigging himself up. She said he hasnt tried it again and is now a regular guest in their group.

Yep, it’s not the first time I’ve known a ‘be kind’ type get very fucking irate when they’re not getting what they want. Another reason why you can’t take it particularly seriously. It’s like getting marriage advice from Henry VIII.

then again I suppose it’s what they’re being taught. You have to give someone what they want because it’s ‘unkind’ if you don’t, and on the flip side, you’re entitled to get what you want. Both are problematic attitudes to internalise and take into adulthood.

I got told to be kind to the colleague who made my life a misery for over 4 years.

When I say misery, I used to be upset when I woke up and realised that I’d have to face him yet again. That kind of misery.

I’m pretty hardened ex forces. To be told to be mindful of the horror who did his utmost to break me? No. To hell with that.

I do not care for ‘be kind’.

I’d settle for don’t be an arse.

It is odd that you were told to be kind to someone who was intentionally making you miserable. What on Earth did you do that was interpreted as unkind?

There was a thread recently from an OP in a supermarket looking at clothese, all the boys' were slogans like Limitless whereas girls' were be kind & unicorns.

I also hate that bees have been appropriated for "bee" kind, I love bees on things but not with the shot message

Do as you would be done by is better than Be Kind I think.

A few years ago my DD was being manipulated by a 'friend' who would turn on the waterworks if DD didn't play the games she wanted or do as she said. DD didn't want to be told off by her teachers for being unkind so spent a long time unhappy being bossed about by said friend. I was unaware until she broke down one day and it all came out. I made it clear that she never had to do what someone else wanted for fear of upsetting them and getting into trouble and that it was ok to say firmly but politely 'no, sorry but I don't want to do x' and that I would back her if there were any repercussions at school. She sobbed her heart out with relief. I think in primary with girls especially there is a real thing about being a good girl and following the rules and the whole 'be kind' thing can lead to them not speaking up when they should.

Who told you to “be kind”?

how old do you envisage the children saying this to realistically be?

justfiveminutes

I started a grievance procedure and he said he felt overwhelmed and threatened and that he felt ‘bullied’ because I wouldn’t leave it alone.

The managers lied to cover their arses so I went higher.

I got told to think of him and ‘be kind’ because he clearly wasn’t well.

And when I threatened to involve the police because they had not, (yes the allegations got that bad and I wanted it to be investigated properly) he got a golden handshake and they closed my grievance down ‘because there was no point in proceeding’.

My hair has grown back, my broken skin has healed. I still don’t sleep.

My reputation is forever damaged because his accusations couldn’t be denied in public as he and his privacy needed to be protected. And my name is mud because of the lies he told and because I challenged the managers on their lies. And proved they lied.

None of them look me in the eye but I can hold my head high.

Funny that he wasn’t told to be kind though. Only women and girls are expected to be kind.

Sorry for the rant. I can’t have be quiet/be nice/be kind embroidered on my drawers today…. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I absolutely hate “be kind”. It is misogynistic at its core.

It wasn’t your employer’s responsibility to go to the police

Sorry I’ve posted on the wrong thread. Apologies 😳

It wasn’t your employer’s responsibility to go to the police

That's all you took from that post?

It's not difficult to be kind and also stand up for yourself, they're not mutually exclusive

I took it that a grievance process was raised but all staff, without exception, rallied for some reason.
And the OP said she would go to the police if they didn’t.
if it was a police matter, the op needed to go.

I was told it would be a police matter. I was told it would be investigated.

it wasn’t the fact that he’d accused me/was harassing me but the nature of the allegations. Absolutely it should have been reported immediately to the police. Not by me but by the company. The allegations were of a criminal nature.

The Union advised me to let the company investigate and to sit tight. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have listened and involved the police straight away when they did not.

Sorry for the derail OP. I’ll bow out.

The thing is that it’s oftentimes easier to tell the person not causing trouble to shut up and deal, than it is to actually tackle the person causing the problems.

@threecupsofteaminimum

It's not difficult to be kind and also stand up for yourself, they're not mutually exclusive

they aren’t always mutually exclusive, but they can be.

in this particular incident I’d like to tell my daughter to say to the child ‘I’m sorry I upset you, it wasn’t intentional, but seeing as when this happens you tell on me and I get into trouble I don’t think we should play together for the rest of term’.this is the second episode with the same child this term. The child is supposed to be a friend, but doesn’t seem able to cope if dd does better than her. I will be told that this suggestion is not being kind. So what should dd do? Pretend to know less than she does to appease a ‘friend’ ? Play with a child that seems to go out of her way to get dd into trouble.

id be really open to suggestions to a way forward.

I took it that a grievance process was raised but all staff, without exception, rallied for some reason.
And the OP said she would go to the police if they didn’t.
if it was a police matter, the op needed to go

I am the OP and this police matter has nothing to do with me or the original post.

This is exactly the problem. The person who causes the most fuss, says they're having a nervous breakdown, threatens suicide etc is more difficult to deal with than the person who says, this person is bullying me and making my life a misery. People in leadership roles tend to wimp out dealing with the situation and want it to go away. To deal with their cognitive dissonance (they still like to imagine themselves as good, effective leaders who are managing situations effectively), they have to see the complainer as the problem. It's them that's causing a fuss, being unreasonable, failing to be kind.

It happens time and again unfortunately. I'm sorry this happened to you Sheldonesque.

OP I'm hacked off with be kind too. It's so often women and girls that are expected to be kind to their aggressors.