To have had enough of ‘be kind’

[Trainfromredhill]

DC (9)is at a school with a ‘be kind’ mantra. In her head at least this has taken hold as ‘I must be kind to all people at all times irrespective of how horrible they are to me or how uncomfortable they make me feel’.
Standing up for herself no longer appears to be allowed because it may upset the person who has upset her or made her feel uncomfortable, and that would be unkind. Fast forward a few years and I’m genuinely concerned that she will find herself unable to set boundaries for fear of appearing unkind.
has anyone else experienced similar?

A couple of years ago, my DD who was seven at the time, found a little pin badge someone had dropped. In tiny letters, the badge states, “Do no harm, take no shit.” She loves this badge, mostly because it has a naughty word on it. But I think it’s an excellent motto, and we use this to counteract the “be kind” bullshit. I bought another similar badge from Etsy for my other DC.

Love this

Oh God, I have a problem with 'stop telling tales' too
I hate people saying that

Yes.

Shit, and 'just stay away from them', errr no, fucking sort it, you are the adult that they have told
Deal with it

There’s definitely got to be a middle ground- I was always taught to be nice to people but make sure people didn’t walk all over me. As with everything there’s a middle ground, personally it seems a lot more people teach their children they deserve it all leading to a more selfish cohort that parrot off ‘be kind’ but don’t practice or mean it

As a teacher, parents always want the other children to be kind but don't mind too much if theirs isn't.

If someone doesn't want to play with their child, because they make them feel uncomfortable, they want them to be kind and include them.

If a child has a party and invites everyone but their child, because they're enforcing boundaries and refusing to invite the child they don't like, they want them to be kind and invite them.

If a group of friends reject someone from the group because they have said or done something the others don't like, or are a bit bossy in games, they want those children to be kind and include their child.

Kindness is short-hand for a lot of things at primary school. Acceptance, inclusivity, compromise, rubbing along with people you're not keen on, biting your tongue to avoid hurt feelings.

It absolutely does not mean accepting mistreatment, accepting bullying, saying yes to things that make you uncomfortable. And at all times, if in doubt about any situation, kids are told to talk to an adult.

I teach DD "don't be a dick".

Yep. Regardless of what people think it should mean, in reality it absolutely is used to mean ‘be endlessly accommodating. Don’t fuss, don’t complain, don’t make me have to deal with something I don’t want to deal with’. Because it’s easier.

I talk about "kindness" with my sons. DS1 in particular is autistic and his world view strongly centres around himself and he needs some guidence in seeing other perspectives.

I don't like a blanket "be kind" ethos which does tend to involve telling females to overlook their needs. I've never seen "be kind" on a boy's t-shirt. It's too often used as "put up and shut up".

Manners, and kindness make the world a more pleasant place, but boundaries are important too and need to be in place first.

Well said @whumpthereitis Agreeing with everything you've said there.

It's meaningless and stupid on its own. I also dislike the way it seems to be aimed at girls and women. And those who spout #bekind that I've seen, well let's just say it's usually a case of ' the irony!'

I tell my daughter and form of 14-15 year olds to "be indifferent". You don't have to like everyone, if you don't get on that's fine but you have to be polite and professional, if you are put into a group with them work with them to complete the task etc. Just like you might have to work with someone you don't like in the workplace or coparent a child with an ex partner when you are grown up

I teach DD "don't be a dick".

🤣

I also like 'Do no harm. Take no shit'

I tell my DDs bollocks to being kind, what they need to be is respectful and to be fair.

FFS. Stop taking things out of context. Be kind doesn't mean don't stand up for yourself and don't challenge unwanted behaviour.

To a lot of people that's exactly what it means because it makes their lives easier in various forms. Let's not pretend otherwise.

Yes - ‘be kind’ annoys me to!
’be kind’ for who??!!!
Because it makes someone’s life easier , at the expense of how your feeling? Nope.
I don’t teach my kids to ‘be kind’. 🤢
I teach my kids instead to ‘BE BRAVE!!’
bravery will take you further .

Except that’s exactly what it means. In all it’s trite and insipid glory.

Not the same but my daughters school used the 'be kind' mantra to passive aggressively divert parents from the school failing to effectively react to the pandemic. 'remember to be kind as we navigate through these unprecedented times' ugh get your shit together! Sorry OP - your post reminded me of this. I'll go now :)

@hallyup89
But girls and women have been told to do that constantly, it's a message on our clothing, on cups and mugs etc.
You see it in action all the time, the women in a DV relationship who repeatedly takes the violent partner back because "it was only once", "he didn't mean it", "I made him do it, I'll do better next time". The female wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, to not cause a fuss, to be kind.

Brilliant its going to be my mantra too .

I can’t stand this ‘be kind’ nonsense.

Be effective. Be assertive. Be powerful.

There is a thin line between tolerance and abuse . Don't let the line break, as I used to tell my DC's

Be kind doesn't mean be a pushover. It means not picking on others (at 9, anyway). It doesn't prevent someone defending themself against someone else being unkind. If that's what's being taught, I'd have issues, but the "not being mean" bit is okay by me. It's perfectly okay to tell someone they're being unpleasant and because of their behaviour, you don't want to be near them.
My hackles would go up if its the girls only who are asked to be kind. That would make me VERY unkind indeed.

I’ve had enough of it too.
Yesterday as I was getting on the bus, I asked the driver for the tickets I needed, and he said something to me which I didn’t hear (my ears are blocked and I can’t hear very well at the moment. Constant ringing in my ears too.) Anyway, I politely asked him to repeat himself and he looked away with a complete look of despair on his face that I couldn’t hear him and he shook his head. Then he snapped back with a repetition of what he had just said.
I said, “There’s no need to be like that. I can’t hear you. No need to be so impatient with people.”
It’s probably at this point that someone may have called me a Karen because 1) I’m a woman and 2) I pulled someone up on their behaviour.
Put up and shut up is the way it goes now.
He certainly wasn’t being kind. He was rude. I appreciate we all have things going on in our lives but I was nothing but polite to him and I have shit ton of things going on in my life. All I did was stick up for myself against a rude person, and we should all be allowed to do that. And I think I was quite polite when I confronted him to be honest.