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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don't need to go to this wedding

201 replies

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:12

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/06/2022 21:16

Just send a nice gift and say you can't attend. Don't build it up to be something it's not. It was only a WhatsApp invitation!

JamSandwich89 · 23/06/2022 21:18

If no solid plans/agreement was made between the two of you then he's being a bit ridiculous. He's an adult. He can go himself!

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:19

Sorry I wasn't being clear. I'm not worried about offending the bride & groom. They couldnt care less. I'm asking if my DH has a right to be annoyed with me for not going?

OP posts:
Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:21

He can go himself but he says he was excited about us having a child free part together. And I get that it's annoying that won't happen but he can still go and have fun.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 23/06/2022 21:24

He’s a grown adult, he can go by himself. He has no right to be angry at you when no set arrangements were made or even an RSVP.

MichelleScarn · 23/06/2022 21:25

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

But you arranged for you to do childcare? Why would you be the one to be sorry for unless you're pissed off he's still planning on going to the wedding?

Shoxfordian · 23/06/2022 21:26

Yabu not to check or use a diary to plan your weekends properly. It doesn’t sound like you really wanted a night out with him so is this symptomatic of how you feel about him?

pumpkinpie01 · 23/06/2022 21:27

How does he think he is going if he hasn't booked a day off work ?! How can he just turn up then leave ? It's his fault for not mentioning it again , not yours

RavenousBugblatter · 23/06/2022 21:28

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:12

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

Can't he just take annual leave like a normal person?

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:28

I didn't say I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm happy to stay home with the kids. What I feel is a bit unfair is me being toldI've ruined our "fun weekend" and him feeling sorry for himself. I don't mind staying home. I don't mind him going. It's him that's got the problem because he wanted me to come with him. I'm not arsed.

OP posts:
CharlotteSt · 23/06/2022 21:28

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:21

He can go himself but he says he was excited about us having a child free part together. And I get that it's annoying that won't happen but he can still go and have fun.

I think you are both being unreasonable but why didn't he just take a day's leave so there wouldn't have been the element of doubt.

Travis1 · 23/06/2022 21:30

No babysitting booked? No hotel booked? No annual leave booked? And he’s relying on being able to ‘make an excuse’? Nope. YANBU at all. Is he always like this? Were you meant to have organised it for him??

Ponoka7 · 23/06/2022 21:31

I can understand why he'd be disappointed that you've lost the opportunity for a proper night out. It's like you'd rather be doing anything else accept go out with him. There could be a level of you'll put yourself out for a friend, but not him. However if he parents can't physically cope with babysitting then it's a different matter.

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:32

He agreed to help out at a special work event months ago. He didn't know about the wedding when he agreed to. So he can't book as annual leave but will look terrible if he doesn't go. So his plan was to turn up and then lie and pretend he has to leave. It was a stupid plan and I didn't realise he was being serious about doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:34

He doesn't usually work weekends. He said he'd do this event for a day in lieu so the annual leave thing isn't really applicable if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:37

I guess I was a bit mean to him just now. But he has a habit of having nights out and complaining "I'm so tired, I wish so and so had been there, it was a bit boring". It's annoying.

I did fuck up agreeing to babysit someon else's child but he still gets to go and have fun. My lack of organisation has only really disadvantaged me so I'm not prepared to spend my time apologising to him.

Also it wasn't in the diary because it was his friend, his WhatsApp, his lack of plan. I refuse to chase him for clarity like his PA.

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 23/06/2022 21:40

If you had checked you'd have known. Ultimately he saw this as a prime opportunity for you to have fun together. No it wasn't well planned but it could have been a fun night out just the two of you. It probably feels you're putting your babysitting duties above him.

Penguinsaregreat · 23/06/2022 21:40

How old is your dh if his parents are elderly and can't look after 2 young kids yet he has a 1 year old?
Why didn't he just book annual leave?
Why doesn't he go alone as he knows others who will be there?
It sounds too much hassle for what is in effect a few drinks in a pub, travelling for 2.5 hours.

Vthirtyone · 23/06/2022 21:47

He's being very unreasonable.
If this was my DH, he'd possibly be a bit pissed off that we weren't going out for a fun night together, but I don't blame you at all, sounds like you didn't have any babysitter anyway so it was never going to happen. And maybe next time he'll sort a plan out because you haven't PA'd for him!

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:49

Penguinsaregreat · 23/06/2022 21:40

How old is your dh if his parents are elderly and can't look after 2 young kids yet he has a 1 year old?
Why didn't he just book annual leave?
Why doesn't he go alone as he knows others who will be there?
It sounds too much hassle for what is in effect a few drinks in a pub, travelling for 2.5 hours.

My DH is in his 40s. His parents are in their 70s. I could just about leave my DC with them but it doesn't feel fair to ask them to babysit a third child they don't know

Annual leave isn't possible

He can go by himself. He just says I've ruined it for him

We are a couple who gave birth to two children during the pandemic so socialising hasn't been high on the agenda the last 2 years. So travelling 2.5 hours for a good knees up with old friends perhaps makes more sense?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 23/06/2022 21:56

@GollGosh

why don’t you want to have a night out OP??

You said you’ve not had a night out with your husband for over three since your kids were born.

if grandparents are willing to have the kids let them and you go out and let your hair down 🥂💃

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/06/2022 21:57

Booze, eh? What was his plan for driving back? A sober chauffeuse?!!!

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:58

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/06/2022 21:56

@GollGosh

why don’t you want to have a night out OP??

You said you’ve not had a night out with your husband for over three since your kids were born.

if grandparents are willing to have the kids let them and you go out and let your hair down 🥂💃

Because I've agreed to have my godson (8 year old) for the weekend & its not fair to hand him to the in-laws is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:00

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/06/2022 21:57

Booze, eh? What was his plan for driving back? A sober chauffeuse?!!!

Don't think he's thought that far ahead. Ha ha!

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 23/06/2022 22:06

Penguinsaregreat · 23/06/2022 21:40

How old is your dh if his parents are elderly and can't look after 2 young kids yet he has a 1 year old?
Why didn't he just book annual leave?
Why doesn't he go alone as he knows others who will be there?
It sounds too much hassle for what is in effect a few drinks in a pub, travelling for 2.5 hours.

He could be around 35? Parents 70?

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