To think I don't need to go to this wedding

[GollGosh]

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

He’s telling you (badly) that he needs time just the two of you. He’s rubbish at organising it but it doesn’t sound like you are keen to have time away just the two of you. I’d be upset too.

Oh please 🙄.

A wedding isn't "time just the two of you" - it's all him, all his mates, and his wife.

If he was actually that bothered he'd book them a weekend away, together, without all the entourage. But seeing as he can't be arsed to lift a finger for this thing you say he's in need of, it'll never happen.

Stop trying to excuse useless behaviour and put the onus on his wife to mother him.

If he wants time with his wife let him bloody sort it out, not push it onto her to arrange.

I have read the full thread and still cannot see what you are apologising for? Hell would freeze over before I did that. I am an organiser and have decided to step back, for my sanity.

Christ he sounds like a 15 year old lad 🙄

Dont buy this “men can’t organise” my Dh is an excellent organiser took one child to his friends wedding other side of the country recently I couldn’t go absolutely nothing to do with me he sorted everything accommodation clothes etc and often books and arranges trips.

YANBU at all - he's fucked off cos he's fucked it up himself - he cba to organise his own shit and is now blaming you.
The wedding pub party sounds shite anyway.

Shouldn't have had kids then, should he?

So his main ‘plan’ was basically to fake some sort of illness or emergency I’m guessing to leave work early then go run off to a wedding 2.5 hours away leaving you behind with your two toddlers? Nice plan. Or alternatively leave the toddlers with his elderly parents so you could go together. Great. Sounds like you both agreed he shouldn’t go and now he’s annoyed because he actually wants to go but hasn’t communicated with you at all.

That's the whole point though - he'd planned nothing. He'd articulated a vague desire for something to happen, done nothing about the considerable obstacles (childcare, time off work) and not even taken a literal 5 seconds to put it in the family calendar.

I had a DH like this OP. Turned out he's completely capable of organising the things he wants to do when he no longer has a wife doing it for him. I'm not suggesting you divorce over it of course, and there were many other reasons why we divorced, but don't for a second think he's not capable of organising things for himself. He chooses not to and blames you. It isn't nice.

Sit with how it feels to not sort it out, OP. You're safe and will be loved even if you dont do stuff or solve stuff. You are enough and you can just be.

This is the work for you... which will help you with this and future relationships.

OP I used to be like you. I did all the admin, checking dates, organising who was going where. Then one day DH told me about something he was going to and I reminded him there was already a thing on the calendar. He said "well I didn't look at the calendar". To which I replied "how is that my problem? You know the calendar is there and everything goes on it." Then left him to it.

The calendar now gets checked before any firm plans are made. If it's not on it, it doesn't exist as a plan yet. First on the calendar gets priority.

Do not engage further with him. He's being an arse because he expected you to do all the planning for something he hadn't even bothered to reply to or put a note of anywhere.

Exactly. It’s not a big fun night in London if it’s to an event where the OP knows nobody. The obvious solution is for you to stay and him to go, but that would mean him actually having to organise himself.

I absolutely agree with this, his behaviour reeks of punishing you for not slavishly facilitating his every whim. As @Pixiedust1234 says - open your eyes and see what else he does. I'd bet good money it's quite a lot.

"It's definitely something about me. I pick men like this. Or I turn them like this. DH is the last of a long-list of partners who think I'm there to organise their lives."
Capable women are a magnet for incapable men, all too ready to abdicate responsibility and have 'the little woman' run around like a blue-arsed fly smoothing their path. You didn't turn him, he was always this way. But you did pick him (and the rest of that list). Now that you know this, you can take steps never to do it again.

I would not cancel your agreement to take care of your godson, because let's face it, he's not going to lift a finger to get himself to this wedding.

I’d tell him you’ve cancelled babysitting Harry for the night.

then never mention it again.

I bet you a million pounds come the day of the piss up your H will have made zero plans. And expect you to have miraculously magicked away his over time, sorted out the RSVP, sorted transport and childcare and gifts for his mates.

wanted a night out with his wife, yeah right, if thats what he wanted he’d have RSVP’ed, put the date in the diary swapped his work shift and sorted childcare.

he wants a fun night out getting pissed and is annoyed you didn’t run around making it happen for the giant manbaby.

Ugh. Man child. Very unattractive.

I understand that he wants a night out with you, but he needs to organize time off work and babysitters.

You both have other commitments. You both do not have solutions for your work and childcare commitments.

Plan it for another date, and enjoy it, without all the added drama. You can even meet up with his friends, if that is what he really wants.

So he knows you’ve “double booked” that weekend and won’t be able to go, he has made no actual plans to get himself there and still has a work commitment and he claims he can’t possibly go without you. But he’s gone into town on a whim to spend hundreds you can’t really afford on a suit?

Does he have problems with impulse control generally? And is this possibly something that attracts you to him?

I’m not asking as a way to make this all your fault, OP. But you mention that you attract these sorts of men, which really means there is something about them that attracts you, at least for a while. If the carefreeness or the pushing you to be spontaneous or something might seem great but your long term need for stability (particularly with children) eventually clashes with that, or something. So you end up wondering why you are with these men who seem to be unable to adult. And I’m wondering if there’s something to that that you could understand about yourself and the men you like (so, DH most of the time, I hope) and so a way for you and DH to but boundaries or tools in place that give you both what you need without frustrating and disappointing the other.

It may not be this - it may just be sexism on his part expecting you to do the organizing because you are the woman of the household. It seems to happen a lot. But you say his family are like this too, so it may be something more fundamental to the way his brain works.

Imo you were unreasonable to have agreed to the 8yo full stop without running this past your oh. That shouldn't be how things work, with unilateral decision making.

I also understand why your oh is irked. Yes you feel that he can still go etc, but it really isn't what was planned/hoped for is it? You have cocked up by not consulting him imo re the 8yo and ruined the possibility of some couples time.

You have cocked up by not consulting him imo re the 8yo and ruined the possibility of some couples time.

Pffffft. The last wedding I went to took 7 hours from sitting down to the ceremony, through photos until the last speech. Couples time? ZZzzzzzz frankly!

@UncaDonald

having kids doesn’t have to mean you surrender your social life

if having kids meant that I could never go out in the evening for years , I wouldn’t have had them! Call me shallow but that’s they way it it

@SpaceshiptoMars

what a lovely wedding guest you sound. Not.

On the contrary! I was an excellent guest. Circulated, socialised, listened attentively, fetched and carried, posed obediently for the photographer... And at the end of 7 hours I crawled up to my room and fell asleep!

Given that he may well get the sack if he lies to bunk off work, it seems highly irresponsible to spend a lot of money on a suit. The more we hear of him, the worse he gets. Stand your ground OP. 💐

I'm honestly not sure it's plenty of men anymore. I haven't met many that can do it, or even other simple tasks. They just seem utterly useless.

No, sorry. I simply don't accept that the majority of men are incapable of doing something as simple as filling in a form, rsvping to a wedding or booking a babysitter. My DH isn't like this, or any of my male friends, colleagues, nor any of my friends DH's or men in my family. In fact I don't think I know any men who are incapable of booking something or filling in a form. I think some women choose to believe that all men are "useless" because it's preferable to accepting that the man they have married is choosing to selfishly sit back and let them do everything.

You are correct to prioritize the children over a party.... If it was a church wedding that would be a different situation because there would be a nanny available I would guess.

A nanny available at a church wedding?

I've never seen one, don't know anyone who's had one, and didn't provide one at mine. Is this a thing that passed me by?