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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I don't need to go to this wedding

201 replies

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:12

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 23/06/2022 22:59

RoseAndRose · 23/06/2022 22:57

He wanted to spend time with you.

Yes he wants to go to the wedding. But the kicker is that he wanted the time with you that's now off. And you don't sound bothered about that, which must make it even worse

This! You said what I was thinking in a much better way than I did

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:59

RoseAndRose · 23/06/2022 22:57

He wanted to spend time with you.

Yes he wants to go to the wedding. But the kicker is that he wanted the time with you that's now off. And you don't sound bothered about that, which must make it even worse

He wanted someone to hold his hand and tell him what train to get on.

🙄

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 23/06/2022 23:01

You are coming across that you don’t really like your DH, OP

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 23:05

@RoseAndRose I know I should have checked. If I'd have checked he have said

"Oh yeah I'm still down to work at that event but I'll find a way out of it hopefully. I'll text my mum at some point to see if she can do it"

And the onus is on me? If it had me invited to a last minute wedding, I'd have spoken to my boss, called my mum for childcare, booked travel, RSVPd and put it in the family calander. He did none of those things.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 23/06/2022 23:08

@GollGosh

my Dh has long since learnt that there is a golden rule - if it isn’t out on the calendar it doesn’t happen. End of. No arguments.
Yoir Dh seems to have got used to you being his at home PA. He needs to learn very quickly to put things in your diary - which you checked and this hastily arranged wedding weekend wasn’t there. So tough. With two children, this is something that will happen time and time again as they get older - it’ll be dentists, school trips, parents evenings, cubs, birthday parties, play dates etc.

now is a good time for him to get used to the idea of - put it in the diary if it’s important.

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 23:08

Womencanlift · 23/06/2022 23:01

You are coming across that you don’t really like your DH, OP

Right now I'm angry at being shouted at by my DH after I've apologised for not triple checking that he did actually want to go. I messed up and my penalty is spending another weekend home alone with kids to look after. That's not his fault but I need to apologise over and over again while he goes has fun?? (even though he never told me he actually was going to go or ever mentioned it again)
I'm just exhausted of always "nagging" him to organise himself and the one time I don't nag him or check...I've messed up and now I'm the bad guy.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 23/06/2022 23:09

Womencanlift · 23/06/2022 23:01

You are coming across that you don’t really like your DH, OP

More like she’s sick of nursemaiding him and sorting out everything. He thought he could mention something (which the OP wasn’t particularly keen on doing) and then the OP would immediately spring into action as his PA and take full responsibility for everything supporting his wishes.

JustLyra · 23/06/2022 23:13

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:40

@LuckySantangelo35 I could tell them this but they're going away for their anniversary so it was a specific weekend they needed me to watch godson for. They have been having a tough time so I don't want to let them down

I just feel like bending backwards try and keep everyone happy. My friends get an anniversary weekend away. My DH gets a night out in London. And yet somehow I'm the one bloody feeling guilty and trying to apologise the whole time!

Your husband isn’t getting the night away with his wife that he wanted.

He didn’t want just a night out in London. He wanted a night out with you - his wife he hasn’t been able to socialise with much because you have two young children.

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 23:14

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 I think you're right there
His whole family baffle me. They will mention once "oh we might come round one weekend in the summer" and then will call at 10pm on Friday saying they're coming over the next morning. Such vague plans - sometimes they come to nothing, sometimes they result in weekends away. And the only way for me to know the difference is it nag and ask and organise. I just didn't do it this time around and he's shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 23:16

@JustLyra That's great. But hopefully next time he'll let me know that's what he wanted and do something about it.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 23/06/2022 23:22

Coffeeholix · 23/06/2022 22:58

It sounds like this wedding is bad timing for you and your DH. If he’s so keen to have a fun weekend, could you not have a child free weekend in London any other weekend, preferably one where he’s not supposed to be working? Why do you need a wedding for you both to go out?

Quite!

Attending a wedding isn't generally a romantic trip for 2. It's catching up and lots of awkward chit chat then drinks in evening and a disco and buffet then hangover. Would it be what you'd pick if planning a big night out?
I imagine not!

JustLyra · 23/06/2022 23:22

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 23:16

@JustLyra That's great. But hopefully next time he'll let me know that's what he wanted and do something about it.

He clearly felt he did, and you’ve prioritised your friend’s relationship over yours.

Its saying rather a lot to him that you’re not even bothered about the fact you’re not going with me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/06/2022 23:25

Doggydarling · 23/06/2022 22:25

Sounds like he's sulking and it's not really because he'll have to go aline but because you haven't organised the entire trip on the basis of him mentioning it, its easier for him to do that then admit he should booked hotel etc and spoken about it before now.

This.

He didn't make plans, he expected you to do it. And this is a regular occurence -

"I'm just exhausted of always "nagging" him to organise himself and the one time I don't nag him or check...I've messed up and now I'm the bad guy."

Honestly? Fuck him. Fuck his treating you as his secretary, and fuck his sulking. And absolutely fuck apologising to him again.

Purplepurse · 23/06/2022 23:34

I wonder if he's worked out exactly what lie he's going to tell his boss to enable him to go. Were you supposed to be waiting in the car whilst he thought one up?
Much better to have no part in it.

MsTSwift · 23/06/2022 23:37

Sounds to me like you organise stuff and he expected you to organise his social life too then was pissed off when you didn’t….

IckGirl · 23/06/2022 23:42

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/06/2022 22:55

Thread after thread after thread about these pathetic, entitled, childish, selfish dickhead men…so depressing and sad.

YANBU.

Plus the enablers replying to the thread telling the OP it's all her fault that her DH hasn't actually bothered to make any plans to attend the wedding of two people the OP doesn't know.

IckGirl · 23/06/2022 23:45

JustLyra · 23/06/2022 23:22

He clearly felt he did, and you’ve prioritised your friend’s relationship over yours.

Its saying rather a lot to him that you’re not even bothered about the fact you’re not going with me.

Show quote history

And have you thought about what the OP's DH is saying to the OP when he has made absolutely no effort whatsoever to formalise plans for that weekend but then got shitty when she - shock horror - decided to use the weekend they way she chose to, given that it was actually free of plans?

GinGym · 23/06/2022 23:53

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:21

He can go himself but he says he was excited about us having a child free part together. And I get that it's annoying that won't happen but he can still go and have fun.

If he was that excited about it then he can plan a proper date for you to have some alone time without all the stress of getting out of work and racing across to an event you are not keen on attending. He is trying to use that as a stick to beat you with by the sound of it, he is being a dick.

Dasher789 · 24/06/2022 00:03

I'd be annoyed if I'd mentioned a wedding to dh then he made other plans on the day.

butterflied · 24/06/2022 00:07

YANBU. Stop apologising. He is a grown man and can go alone. Or learn to write things down and organise to get to where he's going. I can't be doing with these man-children.

Mandatorymongoose · 24/06/2022 00:08

He didn't make any plans! He had a bit of idea.

It wasn't on the calendar.
He hasn't arranged time off work or come up with a reasonable plan for how to leave.
No childcare arranged.
No transport planned.
No mention of it since some vague comments weeks ago about "could ask parents".
When you said "going to have godson" he didn't say "great but remember we've got that wedding on x weekend".

It's just easy to blame you now so "he" can't go when realistically he never had an actual plan for how he would go in the first place. If he desperately wanted to do something with his DW then you could easily arrange that another day, rather than going to a post wedding piss up with people you don't know.

Original poster
GollGosh · 24/06/2022 01:05

Also the way the argument started tonight...

Sitting watching telly. DH been grumpy all evening.

He turns to me "I'm too tired to talk about it tonight but I just want to say that later we need to talk about how you've fucked up our weekend plans for that wedding"

I say "come on, I apologized and also I didn't know you actually planning on going..."

He interrupts angrily "did you not hear me tell you I don't want to talk about it now"

I mean?? Why bring it up then? I was enjoying watching telly.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 24/06/2022 05:27

I think there may be an underlying issue here of - you haven't had a night out together for years and your DH wanted to use up his parents babysitting "dues" and jeopardise his work on a dodgy plan to hotfoot it to a pub in London to spend time with a load of his friends who you hardly know.

The idea that it will be no fun without you so you are the baddy, when you know it wouldn't really be a fun night out for you would have me fuming a bit. You're supposed to go along to facilitate his good time not to have a good time.

Regardless of the fact you've double booked the weekend - this was a shit and thoughtless plan that was all about him.

In my family double checking before agreeing to have the godson would be expected, so I guess I do see that as a failing on your part. But I also see him not putting the wedding on the calendar as a failing on his part - it would wind me up if I was expected to keep track of his possibilities, especially if the often didn't pan out.

You probably need a bit of a sit down chat about how disappointed you both are with this incident and a talk about how things are going and your lack of compatibility on planning and organizing. Agree on a way forward that will work for both of you.

This may only be a one off and not a threat to you as a family. But having young kids around often makes gaping chasms out of cracks in relationships that can be easily papered over when it's just the two of you if you don't work on addressing them.

oopsfellover · 24/06/2022 05:46

Yanbu. He hadn’t made firm plans to attend the wedding - he hadn’t even made a proper arrangement not to work. It does sound as though he wants you to organise his life for him, and it’s not a bad lesson for him that it wont always happen.

Beelezebub · 24/06/2022 06:00

GollGosh · 24/06/2022 01:05

Also the way the argument started tonight...

Sitting watching telly. DH been grumpy all evening.

He turns to me "I'm too tired to talk about it tonight but I just want to say that later we need to talk about how you've fucked up our weekend plans for that wedding"

I say "come on, I apologized and also I didn't know you actually planning on going..."

He interrupts angrily "did you not hear me tell you I don't want to talk about it now"

I mean?? Why bring it up then? I was enjoying watching telly.

He fucked it up himself by a) not planning it in in the first place and b) not being able to go anyway BECAUSE HE’S GOT WORK.

You’re not his secretary.

If spending that weekend with you was that important he should have sorted it out.

Don’t go to him about this conversation he supposedly wants either.