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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don't need to go to this wedding

201 replies

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:12

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 23/06/2022 22:07

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:58

Because I've agreed to have my godson (8 year old) for the weekend & its not fair to hand him to the in-laws is it?

Show quote history

@GollGosh

just apologise that you had completely forgot about the wedding - I’m sure they understand it’s a wedding after all! A big event

Lollypop701 · 23/06/2022 22:09

So he’s committed to a work thing, hasn’t got a sitter, hasn’t organised getting there, staying over or getting back. Of course it’s your fault it isn’t happening because you’re having your godson!!!! It was all in the bag and you ruined it 🙈

oh you say he can still go… but now he has no excuse not to go but still no one to organise it or make him feel lying to his employer is ok… you absolute bitch op 😂

yep tell him to make his mind up but all up to him

EvergreenForest · 23/06/2022 22:09

I can't see this in the OP so apologies if I've missed it but how soon is the event?

If it's next weekend then YANBU and clearly there's little time to plan babysitters, rsvp, get an outfit, arrange cabs etc. it was never going to happen!

If it's in a months time or more then I think YABU and there's still time for him to have organised these things: he proposed a plan that although you both agreed was difficult, wasn't dismissed so should have checked with him.

His plan for work is dodgy but I've known people do similar; turn up with an excuse that they have to leave for some reason- just make sure he doesn't get tagged in any SM!

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:12

Yeah, that's what DH is asking me to do. Tell my best friends I can no longer babysit my godson which will mean their weekend plans are ruined

I understand DH feels like I'm prioritising ny godson, but DH hasn't bloody planned how we are gonna get to this wedding in the first place.

What I don't understand is my fuck up isn't stopping him going so why is he soooooo angry?

OP posts:
supersonicginandtonic · 23/06/2022 22:14

Yes you do tell your friends you can no longer babysit. The plans with your husband were made first.
You sound like you never wanted to go, never wanted to spend time with your husband.
He's being immature about it but was probably looking forward to a night with you, so is disappointed.
Also why didn't you check with your husband first, before agreeing to have your friends son?

ilovetomatoes · 23/06/2022 22:20

I do think YABU. The discussion about the wedding was first and even if the plans weren’t firmed up now saying you’ve committed to something else and tough luck on him isn’t great. It does sound like you just don’t want to go so have found an excuse to get out of it.

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:20

supersonicginandtonic · 23/06/2022 22:14

Yes you do tell your friends you can no longer babysit. The plans with your husband were made first.
You sound like you never wanted to go, never wanted to spend time with your husband.
He's being immature about it but was probably looking forward to a night with you, so is disappointed.
Also why didn't you check with your husband first, before agreeing to have your friends son?

He's our godson. We love him and he's always welcome at our house for a sleepover. I looked in the diary - there was nothing in there & plan was so vague I'd almost forgotten about it and DH hasn't mentioned it for weeks . I should have double checked dates but I don't need to check with my husband before we have our godson over for a night.

OP posts:
Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:23

I'm pretty independent and if I was going to a wedding full of my friends and my DH got his dates wrong and ended up looking after 3 kids by himself...I would be off to the wedding by myself and loving life. I don't understand why he's so sensitive about it all. Just go and get pissed with your mates and ill manage stuff at home

OP posts:
Pookymalooky · 23/06/2022 22:23

supersonicginandtonic · 23/06/2022 22:14

Yes you do tell your friends you can no longer babysit. The plans with your husband were made first.
You sound like you never wanted to go, never wanted to spend time with your husband.
He's being immature about it but was probably looking forward to a night with you, so is disappointed.
Also why didn't you check with your husband first, before agreeing to have your friends son?

Kind of this ^^
i don’t understand why you didn’t check with him first? I would always ask my dh before agreeing to this sort of thing and he me. It’s just common curtesy.

I think you didn’t forget about the wedding, but you didn’t really want to go and saw this as a convenient way out all round and I bet your dh thinks so on some level too which is why he is so cross.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/06/2022 22:24

@GollGosh

im sure they would understand though if you explained that you can’t take your godson that weekend due to the wedding but happy to look after him for them another weekend. No one can really strop about that.

Doggydarling · 23/06/2022 22:25

Sounds like he's sulking and it's not really because he'll have to go aline but because you haven't organised the entire trip on the basis of him mentioning it, its easier for him to do that then admit he should booked hotel etc and spoken about it before now.

heymammy · 23/06/2022 22:26

Honestly it sounds like it was a pie in the sky idea to begin with that your dh has given no further thought to or made any plans at all to make happen!

How can you have ruined something that was nothing to begin with. Yanbu.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 23/06/2022 22:31

It's not a night out with her though if it's to attend someone's wedding? I could understand if he'd arranged a night at the theatre/a restaurant for them both but he made a very vague sounding plan weeks ago which wasn't mentioned again

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:36

He said on receiving the WhatsApp

"Oh its going to a nightmare with work but would be fun. Maybe my parents could have DC"

Then not mentioned for weeks.

I could have reminded him if we want to make it happen we need to actually look at transport, check his parents can do it etc. But im fed up of being his PA. They're his friends. He didn't progress plans at all. I should have double checked dates but I really don't think I was running his plans as he didn't have any!

OP posts:
Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:40

@LuckySantangelo35 I could tell them this but they're going away for their anniversary so it was a specific weekend they needed me to watch godson for. They have been having a tough time so I don't want to let them down

I just feel like bending backwards try and keep everyone happy. My friends get an anniversary weekend away. My DH gets a night out in London. And yet somehow I'm the one bloody feeling guilty and trying to apologise the whole time!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 23/06/2022 22:48

Yeah, that's what DH is asking me to do. Tell my best friends I can no longer babysit my godson which will mean their weekend plans are ruined
So you are prioritising their weekend plans over dhs And yours?

Carrotmum · 23/06/2022 22:50

Was he really going to lie to his work and blag off to go to the wedding, is it really worth risking his job for? It sounds a very immature way to carry on.
if he was serious surely he would have explored the possibility of maybe asking a colleague to cover for him, or speak to his boss like an actual grown up would.
Then made proper plans about getting there, childcare and getting back again.
OTOH wouldn’t you check with him ( in case of any clashes in schedule) before you agreed to have your godson for a weekend ( any weekend that is). Neither of you seems great on normal family communication tbh.

easyday · 23/06/2022 22:52

Bit it seemed from your post you both agreed it was unworkable, so I don't see how he thought either of you could go at all?

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:53

MichelleScarn · 23/06/2022 22:48

Yeah, that's what DH is asking me to do. Tell my best friends I can no longer babysit my godson which will mean their weekend plans are ruined
So you are prioritising their weekend plans over dhs And yours?

But their plans are actually plans. They've booked stuff. They know where they're going. They haven't got work on the same day. I dint really know we had made any plans.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 23/06/2022 22:55

Thread after thread after thread about these pathetic, entitled, childish, selfish dickhead men…so depressing and sad.

YANBU.

Womencanlift · 23/06/2022 22:56

I do think YABU. You are prioritising your friends weekend over your own

Yes your DH hasn’t been great in organising but from his view he was looking forward to a night out with his wife and you have just ignored that for the benefit of your friend. No wonder he is pissed off

RoseAndRose · 23/06/2022 22:57

He wanted to spend time with you.

Yes he wants to go to the wedding. But the kicker is that he wanted the time with you that's now off. And you don't sound bothered about that, which must make it even worse

Original poster
GollGosh · 23/06/2022 22:57

Carrotmum · 23/06/2022 22:50

Was he really going to lie to his work and blag off to go to the wedding, is it really worth risking his job for? It sounds a very immature way to carry on.
if he was serious surely he would have explored the possibility of maybe asking a colleague to cover for him, or speak to his boss like an actual grown up would.
Then made proper plans about getting there, childcare and getting back again.
OTOH wouldn’t you check with him ( in case of any clashes in schedule) before you agreed to have your godson for a weekend ( any weekend that is). Neither of you seems great on normal family communication tbh.

The clashes in schedule would be very rare! We have two kids under 3. We never really go out. I mentioned to him "oh Mary and Joe have asked us to have Harry again some weekend in July" and he was like "great". I should have checked. I know I messed up. I have apologised. But they didn't seem like real plans to me. I'm not convinced they are now. He doesn't really know how on earth he will have the guts to turn up to work, lie to his boss and walk out.

OP posts:
Coffeeholix · 23/06/2022 22:58

It sounds like this wedding is bad timing for you and your DH. If he’s so keen to have a fun weekend, could you not have a child free weekend in London any other weekend, preferably one where he’s not supposed to be working? Why do you need a wedding for you both to go out?

RoseAndRose · 23/06/2022 22:58

I dint really know we had made any plans

Then the onus was on you to check before committing. You fucked up.

And you both need to find more effective ways of coordination.

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