To think I don't need to go to this wedding

[GollGosh]

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

There's always going to be a contingent on Mumsnet who think the man is never in the wrong and the woman just needs to do more, and try harder, and always put him first. It's ok for you to be pissed off at the way he's treating you. If he really wanted to go, he would have made some plans. I certainly wouldnt be putting myself out to organise everything to go to an evening do for my dh's friends wedding. Mutual friends, my friends etc i would... His friends, he can sort it.

Why should you always be the default organizer? Was it in your marriage vows?

"Do you promise to love and honour him, and arrange every aspect of his life forever more".

"I do".

Doubt it.

He can fuck off. He's being a total cock.

If the issue is him wanting a night away with you there's nothing in the world stopping him from organising it. Nothing.

So much that he did absolutely nothing about organising it?

Oh so you can only discuss it when HE decides it's convenient?

I don't fucking think so.

The only conversation I would be having with him now regarding this would be to say

1. DH you are free to go or not go as you so choose
2. in future make proper plans and communicate them. At the very least RSVP to invitations - how rude not to and then just turn up.
3. if you want a night out that's great and feel free to make the appropriate arrangements re babysitting
4. do not talk to me like I'm a piece of shit

Just wondering, is this the first time this has happened where he's vaguely mentioned something and you've not taken on the role of organiser? If it is then maybe this is why he's angry at you because you didn't jump in to sorting it out for him and now he's bearing the consequences of his own lack of action. Do you normally jump in to solve problems? Maybe he's behaving this way because he's punishing you to ensure you don't do this again - "this" being leaving him to sort his own shit out all by himself.

Exactly! He’s upset because IF he goes to this wedding he’s got to actually act like a grown up and organise his “jolly” himself! It sounds like he’s got used to you organising everything - you’re mum to 2 children and a fully grown adult!
Yanbu x

YANBU.

People get angry when the status quo changes - especially when it’s one that has always benefited them.

Your husband is clearly used to you running the show for him. I’m surprised he didn’t ask you to ring in sick for him on the morning of the wedding. Probably still will

Stick to your guns, and let him spit his dummy. He sounds very childish.

When his Lordship finally deigns to have a talk with you OP, just flip back to him that you don't want to talk about it and that he should stop acting like an immature knob.
Nothing was planned by him, nothing was communicated by him, nothing has been ruined. Don't explain, reason or apologise anymore. Just get on with your day and leave him to stew in his sulkiness.

So he's organised nothing, im presuming he hasn't spoken to your dp about baby sitting, and he's annoyed at you? He is being U.

But you're the one who forgot to check the diary and are now playing a martyr by saying "you're having a night out while I'm stuck in looking after kids".

Your DH clearly was looking forward to a child free night seeing friends but in the company of his wife. You said it'd be the first night without the kids overnight, I can see why he's disappointed.

I agree with pp, he's feeling fed up that you've put your friends before him. You should have cancelled looking after godson by just saying "I'm really sorry, fucked up, forgot have a wedding reception we're going to that night".
Do your friends know the issues it's caused? If they are such good friends of yours they'd be offering to sort other arrangements for 8yr olds once they know of your prior commitment.

YABU.

Won't trying to buy train tickets to London on the day be very expensive? Plus hotel etc.

And if you book in advance it could we'll be wasted if he can't get out of work?

So seems madness to assume that's a valid plan compared to going away any other weekend with it all organised cheaper in advance.

Though it also seems it she cancelled godson they still can't go to the wedding as HE HAS TO WORK!

Unless this wedding is worth being sacked for if he skives and is caught?

Sounds to me that you are fed up with organising everything or the way he leaves his organising to the last minute.

Get the feeling from your posts that you did really remember the wedding when you got asked if you mind your got son. But you knew he'd done feck all, so having your godson was like an extra bonus in your making your point.

You should have been completely straight when the WhatsApp invitation was being discussed, rather than just going oh yes that's difficult. You sould have have just said. "OK, you organise it, hotel, childcare and travel in plenty of time. Also, put in in the diary."

Then when it came to the godson, you could have confidently said there was nothing on (rather than you forgot and didn't check, while also claiming you checked the diary and almost forgot). You would have been able to say to your husband what @forrestgreen posted. His reaction would have been the same. Mind you he'd have probably claimed he still would. End result would have been the same most likely (no London), difference being you'd have been completely in no way unreasonable (and you'd only be minding your own two.)

I’m surprised by some of the reactions on here. They’re his friends, he should have organised it. You’re not his PA!

She didn’t forget to check the diary - it wasn’t in the diary because HE never put it in there or even rsvpd to the actual couple getting married!
HE is acting like a petulant child!

Good point. I think I should write this to my friends

"I have to cancel looking after Harry. My DH has a text on his phone about a random wedding 2.5 hours drive away. He hasn't RSVPd. He has work the same day. We don't have any childcare. And he hasn't mentioned it for weeks. But he might end up going so I need to cancel Harry so I can be on standby. "

But you're the one who forgot to check the diary

OP has already said her DH didn't put it in their shared calendar.

and are now playing a martyr by saying "you're having a night out while I'm stuck in looking after kids".

Why is it playing the martyr, she's stating the facts? She was always going to end up at home looking after the kids because no babysitter has been sorted.

Your DH clearly was looking forward to a child free night seeing friends but in the company of his wife.

So much so that he made zero effort to arrange a babysitter.

You said it'd be the first night without the kids overnight, I can see why he's disappointed.

He's "disappointed" because he's realised that he's fucked up by not giving any thought to childcare, how he's going to get out of work, how he's getting there and back etc and he's angry that his wife/PA isn't going to do it all for him.

This thread is so depressing.

Your shop fucked up here not you. He knows and you know, but he’s putting the blame on you.

he’s not sorted anything and good on you for not picking up the slack.

if I were you, I would get angry with him and tell him exactly what you’ve said here. Say your sick of his vague plans and this is all on him. If he really wanted to go, he’d have sorted it all. He needs to stop acting like a child and go or not but it’s on him not you

Dh not shop!

I wouldn't go if it was in my back garden. I hate weddings where I don't know anyone.

I think you're both in the wrong. Him for not firming up plans, and you for not checking the calendar before committing to look after the other child.

I think you're both in the wrong. Him for not firming up plans, and you for not checking the calendar before committing to look after the other child.

OP has already said that her DH didn't put it in their shared calendar. She's supposed to read his mind.

Sounds like you never wanted to go and perhaps he suspected that.

It was this ‘thing’ though so the onus is on him to confirm it. I do think by him mentioning it to you he did and he’s upset you’re not going together. Worst things happen at sea.

She did look ar the calendar but HE HADN'T PUT IT IN THE CALENDAR.
Also when she mentioned babysitting Harry some weekend in July WHY DID HE NOT MENTION THE WEDDING

This. He hasn't booked anything, he was hoping you'd do it all. Now you've got yourself a reason to not go, he's now got to do all of that off his own back. That's why he's annoyed really, he didn't want to plan it.

Dunno what it is about men and booking things or filling out forms. They seem remarkably stupid about it.

Last minute wedding. Sorry cannot get time off work, hope you have a lovely day.

Would have been sufficient and reasonable.

Or have I missed something?