To think I don't need to go to this wedding

[GollGosh]

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

Dunno what it is about men and booking things or filling out forms. They seem remarkably stupid about it.

Plenty of men can and do book things, plan things, fill in forms and generally organise their own lives. The men who don't, don't because they are lazy or selfish and they know there's a woman in their life who's willing to do it for them and will shrug it off their laziness and selfishness with a " oh well, that's just men". OP's DH is clearly one of those men but this time she's decided she's not going to he one if those women who shrugs it off and does it for him.

That's why he's so angry. Like a child who's used to having their own way and suddenly hearing "no" for the first time.

Not a good idea to make an excuse to leave work because social media, tagging etc..

"I have to cancel looking after Harry. My DH has a text on his phone about a random wedding 2.5 hours drive away. He hasn't RSVPd. He has work the same day. We don't have any childcare. And he hasn't mentioned it for weeks. But he might end up going so I need to cancel Harry so I can be on standby. "

Apparently so, OP! Honestly, some of the posters here seem to worship at the almighty dick and God forbid you don't prostrate yourself before it! The way he spoke to you as well... just awful!

I think you're wonderful for prioritising your friend and godson - sorry you're getting so much shit for it!

Hope today is a better day

It's not just the random wedding though, is it?

It's a weekend sans DC in a hotel with DH

And the date should have been in whatever sort of diary they each keep (individually or jointly), so OP was reminded to check before making a subsequent plan

The people who are accusing OP of "prioritising" her friends and her godson over her DH have spectacularly missed the point. It wasn't a case of "prioritising" one over the other because DH didn't actually make it clear he was intending for them to go to the wedding! It wasn't in the calendar, he hasn't RSVP'd, he hasn't mentioned it to OP since he first got the text and is still expected at work that day! Now he's punishing her for his lack of communication.

@GollGosh I don't know why people are giving you such a hard time! You're definitely not the one being unreasonable here! Your DH is being a complete bellend & trying to make you the bad guy. Unbelievable.

I know it’s not really the point of the thread, but what a shitty thing to do to work! They asked him to work because they need him. To turn up and presumably pretend to be ill, will leave them really in the lurch. Very unattractive behaviour.

I am with you OP, he's got a half cocked plan of going to this wedding which he has failed to organise the logistics of attending said wedding.

People seem to be forgetting that the DH could be buggering off to this wedding despite still being on the payroll, which is totally unfair to his employers.

Yanbu. You need to take no further action. Ignore the sulking from DH. If he brings it up again just ask what arrangements he has made for babysitting? And has he booked a hotel? 100% he won't go because he hasn't bothered to organise it. You don't need to have anything to do with it- not your friends!!!

He's being very unreasonable. He clearly can't miss the unmissable work event so he should just tell his friends he's working. They can't really say much about that....

Agree with you, he’s being a tool and you’ve done nothing wrong. Have a fun weekend with your kids and godson. What I really need to know though is what his plan was to tell work?! It seems like he’s agreed to work when he wouldn’t normally, wasn’t going to phone in sick but was going to turn up, lie (what lie? Kids sick? You broke your leg? He has covid? What lie works like that once you’re already there?!), then risk being seen out on trains etc or worse in tagged Facebook photos, then return to work next week as normal?? I’m so intrigued by his ridiculous half plan!

I know it’s not really the point of the thread, but what a shitty thing to do to work! They asked him to work because they need him. To turn up and presumably pretend to be ill, will leave them really in the lurch. Very unattractive behaviour.

It kind of is the point of the thread, in a way. He takes no responsibility for organising his own life and and expects others to pick up the slack, at home it's the OP and at work it's his colleagues.

Even if he had been bothered to sort out childcare, put it in the calendar, RSVP etc OP would still be justified in refusing to attend on the basis that he's a selfish twat for leaving his colleagues in the lurch at a big work event.

but its a date that odds on, he can't do as HE HAS TO WORK.

They can arrange a weekend away on their own any other time - booked in advance, with baby sitting arranged in advanced and everyone looking forward to it.

Not a "you get ready and sit in the car and HOPEFULLY i can leave work, else you just wait a few hours then go home" type arrangement.

I doubt he'll be 'jumping on a train' this Saturday either it won't be going anywhere!

But its a date that odds on, he can't do as HE HAS TO WORK. They can arrange a weekend away on their own any other time - booked in advance, with baby sitting arranged in advanced and everyone looking forward to it.

Yes, and the thing is OP knows full well that he's never going to take it upon himself to arrange something like that! Thats why its so galling that he's throwing a strop about it. He's acting all hurt now making out he was desperate for quality time away with her...but only if he doesn't have to put any effort in to make it happen.

It sounds to me like he expected you to do all the organising for his friend's wedding / weekend that might happen and when you didn't get your finger out and do all this, well then you just ruined his life. What a baby. Let him start doing a bit of the organising of your social life in general and see how far you get. FFS

This!

I said to him do you want me to cancel Harry and he said yes. I said but if I do will we definitely go
..what about childcare and your work. And he said he would "sort it somehow"

I should add Harry (godson) was adopted by my friends in the last couple of years. I was honoured to ask to be his godmum & take it v seriously and he obviously has some challenges being adopted at 6 and I'd really rather not change plans with him as Harry is sensitive to being let down. Also DH agreed to have him over but we just didn't talk exact night.

Sorry if that counts as drip feeding. I just don't think I can cancel Harry when I really don't believe DH has any workable plan to make wedding happen.

I'm with you op

I'd not speak anymore about it to him now, he either goes on his own or he doesn't go

What if it comes to the actual day and he literally cannot get out of his work event? It's ridiculous

Don't cancel Harry (hope that's not his real name).
There was no plan for this wedding, your DH is working.
He's expecting you to do all the organising to make it happen. That will also validate his idea of trying to get out of his work commitment. If you're not involved then he needs to own that decision himself, and seems to me he's not actually brave enough to do so. Otherwise why would he be so mad, he gets a weekend away, they're not your friends anyway and you can plan a weekend away another time.
I would stop giving it headspace. Up to him what he does next.

I don't think you have done anything wrong - why should you wait around and not make other arrangements on the off chance that you may be going to a wedding that you have been invited to on Whatsapp at the last minute, were you standby guests ?

It is not as if you are making him stay home you have given your blessing for him to go on his own, it seems you would be better off on your own with the three children instead of four you would have if he was there with his hangdog expression.

He needs to learn that throwing a tantrum does not work, we don't accept it from children so as an adult he should know better.

He also needs to remember he should be working that day !

@GollGosh is he an always sort it somehow kind of person but the sort it is you actually doing the sorting which makes he just assume that it will be ok because you always make it so.

Even though here actually you cant because he is working and there is no way you can solve that.

We all have our moment, the thing that finally makes us go no no more. And I think this may be yours

I suspect most of those who think you are wrong look at the wedding as been in the calendar and sorted rather than just an up in the air kind of plan.

I would simply say that you are going to follow your plan - you are happy for him to go and it removes the childcare element but you will not be helping. That you cant keep sorting things out for him and that you are going to stop now

A good chance to reset now.

How will we make plans in future? Here's the process - calendar, person who's invited sorts childcare, conversation raised by that person, x y z. Like as if you were at work.

You are absolutely in the right OP and should be very clear, calm and not back down. You didn't book that weekend with me. You didn't confirm or RSVP. I did not know it was a confirmed plan because you hadn't confirmed it. Your anger is your problem not mine.

However- you have been a tiny bit pas ag in the way you have brought this to a head. It's no bad thing to step back and let something fail, to show the other person that there's a gap in their assumptions. But it's a tactic that makes people upset, and you are unlikely to get the notice and recognition and love you want from it. Which is why it's understandable that you are angry with him and he is angry with you. The ideal is to get to a place where you can both be soft and vulnerable, him seeing that his behaviour hurts you and you being able to ask for appreciation for all the things you do to "hold" the family admin.

@sharpcorner Not his real name.

DH was so grumpy this morning. 3 year old had a tantrum and broke a glass and honestly I thought DH was going to walk out of the house in his dressing gown and never come back.

But since then he's played some computer game, the 1 year old has given him some cuddles, and he's got the day off work so he's cheered up. No mention of wedding. I'm just going to not say anything.

But I know what will happen. I won't say anything, nor will he, and then it will get to the weekend and he'll say

"Well, I'm obviously not going. Guess I've just have to work on a Saturday and then hang out with three kids on my Saturday night"

And then feel sorry for himself. It will definitely be fault he's not there having the time of his life with all his old friends.

again, this is pas ag of both of you!