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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I don't need to go to this wedding

201 replies

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:12

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

OP posts:
sharpcorner · 24/06/2022 10:11

Well that's on him. He's an adult who can organise his own work and social life.
Sulking is very unattractive. I wouldn't say anything or even give his plans another thought, but I would be having words about any sulking if it came to that.

BackToTheTop · 24/06/2022 10:19

In this instance I'd cancel Harry, tell him you've cancelled Harry and it's up to him to sort the rest out. When he doesn't I'd go absolutely ballistic at him for being such a fucking idiot. If he comes through, have a nice night out. Your dh obviously wants to spend some child free time with you

SpaceshiptoMars · 24/06/2022 10:27

If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail.

It's a cliche, but perhaps getting this etched in wood and hung up over the TV/ game console would make a point!

butterflied · 24/06/2022 10:31

There's no way I'd back out of a commitment I'd made on the off chance that he gets his shit together. And I'd be pissed off as the wedding couple if you rocked up without rsvp'ing. He's an idiot.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 24/06/2022 10:35

Purplepurse · 23/06/2022 23:34

I wonder if he's worked out exactly what lie he's going to tell his boss to enable him to go. Were you supposed to be waiting in the car whilst he thought one up?
Much better to have no part in it.

I agree with this. His "plan" has more holes in it than a Swiss cheese and involves lying to his employers to bunk off work. It also involves him making zero effort on the logistics front.

Sometimes prior commitments mean you can't do everything, and even more so when you have children.

Personally I'd find being married to this sulky man child a real turn off, but that's your call. YANBU OP.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 24/06/2022 10:50

neverbeenskiing · 24/06/2022 08:26

Dunno what it is about men and booking things or filling out forms. They seem remarkably stupid about it.

Plenty of men can and do book things, plan things, fill in forms and generally organise their own lives. The men who don't, don't because they are lazy or selfish and they know there's a woman in their life who's willing to do it for them and will shrug it off their laziness and selfishness with a " oh well, that's just men". OP's DH is clearly one of those men but this time she's decided she's not going to he one if those women who shrugs it off and does it for him.

That's why he's so angry. Like a child who's used to having their own way and suddenly hearing "no" for the first time.

I'm honestly not sure it's plenty of men anymore. I haven't met many that can do it, or even other simple tasks. They just seem utterly useless.

Original poster
GollGosh · 24/06/2022 11:32

DH is now going into town to buy a suit for the wedding. I mean...firstly it's just an afternoon in a pub so bit overblown (and he's always stressing about money).

I said "I still don't understand what you're doing to do with work, it's going to look so bad to not turn up on a Saturday when you volunteered to do it" and he said "yeah, I know it's really tricky. Not sure to be honest". And then proceeded to take the car key and his wallet to go to town

Baffling to me. Just baffling. I also suggested texting groom to say he will try to make it but work tricky and to apologise for the delay in getting back - DH said 'yes, good plan' and took out his phone and then stared out the window. And put phone back in his pocket.

I know I'm doing what I said I'd do...trying to fix it for him....and he seems happier that I was doing my usual role of 'how will this work' 'why don't you do this' and he's going back to his usual role of ignoring me.

URGH.

OP posts:
butterflied · 24/06/2022 11:38

My god, he sounds useless.

EthicalNonMahogany · 24/06/2022 11:39

Stay strong!! Don't fix it!

Original poster
GollGosh · 24/06/2022 11:49

It's definitely something about me. I pick men like this. Or I turn them like this.

DH is the last of a long-list of partners who think I'm there to organise their lives. I think nearly all of them (not exaggerating) - their mothers ended up emailing and texting me stuff for their sons because I got back to her. Or calling me to speak to him when he's next to me.

The ironic thing is none of them are ever busy. DH can't organise himself to a wedding but I'm expected to do it on top of working full time and doing all the admin for the 2 kids etc.

I've got to look at myself because I'm doing something wrong. That's why I was so adamant I wasn't going to mention the bloody ridiculous wedding to him again.

And it's resulted in a full blown shouting match, sulking, and now him spending hundreds on a suit for an afternoon in a pub (he is trying to spite me? Very unlike him to go shopping)

Sorry. This is not therapy. BUT GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 24/06/2022 12:00

Let him go shopping

Stop suggesting things like texting his mate etc

Leave it all to him

His work - his problem

Stop engaging with him over it
Let him get on with it

Jesus Christ what a big bloody man child

roarfeckingroarr · 24/06/2022 12:08

It worries me that so many women on here are rallying round this sulky, immature man who couldn't be bothered to make proper plans and has now shouted at his wife because she didn't make them for him. Of course she is prioritising her friends' plans - she's made a commitment and they actually have plans!

roarfeckingroarr · 24/06/2022 12:14

I've just read to the end.

You're a saint OP. I wouldn't put up with this shit.

trollopolis · 24/06/2022 12:14

I can't believe how man posters think it's OK to fix something for a weekend when you know your husband is planning something without checking first.

And then being surprised that someone doesn't like being treated badly in that way

B0ssAssB1tch · 24/06/2022 12:24

BackToTheTop · 24/06/2022 10:19

In this instance I'd cancel Harry, tell him you've cancelled Harry and it's up to him to sort the rest out. When he doesn't I'd go absolutely ballistic at him for being such a fucking idiot. If he comes through, have a nice night out. Your dh obviously wants to spend some child free time with you

You'd put the feelings of a 6 year old in the middle of your marital problems?!

B0ssAssB1tch · 24/06/2022 12:25

GollGosh · 24/06/2022 11:32

DH is now going into town to buy a suit for the wedding. I mean...firstly it's just an afternoon in a pub so bit overblown (and he's always stressing about money).

I said "I still don't understand what you're doing to do with work, it's going to look so bad to not turn up on a Saturday when you volunteered to do it" and he said "yeah, I know it's really tricky. Not sure to be honest". And then proceeded to take the car key and his wallet to go to town

Baffling to me. Just baffling. I also suggested texting groom to say he will try to make it but work tricky and to apologise for the delay in getting back - DH said 'yes, good plan' and took out his phone and then stared out the window. And put phone back in his pocket.

I know I'm doing what I said I'd do...trying to fix it for him....and he seems happier that I was doing my usual role of 'how will this work' 'why don't you do this' and he's going back to his usual role of ignoring me.

URGH.

DON'T ENGAGE!!! Seiously, do not try and fix this for him!! That's what he's waiting for you to do!

DappledThings · 24/06/2022 12:28

I can't believe how man posters think it's OK to fix something for a weekend when you know your husband is planning something without checking first.
Because he wasn't planning anything! He vaguely mentioned it with zero detail and zero intention of actually making it happen. OP's experience has shown her his vague notions of going to this wedding were never going to materialise and lo and behold they still haven't. He still has no way of getting out of work, no transport or accommodation booked and no childcare. Nor had he bothered putting it in the shared calendar.

OP you've done nothing wrong and he's totally unreasonable to react as he has done.

B0ssAssB1tch · 24/06/2022 12:30

I've got to look at myself because I'm doing something wrong. That's why I was so adamant I wasn't going to mention the bloody ridiculous wedding to him again

Bite your tongue. Grey rock him about the wedding. He brings it up, you just say "ok". Whatever it is, be as non committal as possible. Don't get drawn in because as soon as you do you might end up apologising again and you've got nothing to apologise for.

butterflied · 24/06/2022 12:32

Poor Harry's parents if you cancel on them now because your husband is incapable of organising his life without a fix from you.

Starseeking · 24/06/2022 12:37

GollGosh · 23/06/2022 21:21

He can go himself but he says he was excited about us having a child free part together. And I get that it's annoying that won't happen but he can still go and have fun.

It sounds like he's just annoyed he has to organise everything relating to going to the wedding himself, instead of palming off more wifework onto you.

He should be happy that he gets to go and have fun, especially as you've apologised for forgetting the dates. It wouldn't be fair to let your friends down now, as they've likely made their plans on the back of you babysitting.

Azandme · 24/06/2022 12:40

He wanted to spend the weekend with you 'so badly' he couldn't even be arsed TO PUT IT IN THE SHARED CALENDAR which takes 15 seconds, let alone do anything else?

Fuck. That.

I'm astounded just how many people are saying you're the one in the wrong!

Do not cancel a small child and ruin your friend's plans because your husband couldn't even be arsed to take FIFTEEN SECONDS to put it in the calendar.

If my DP had done that, then had a go and sulked he'd have got a verbal kick in the dick so hard he'd have been wishing for death.

Pixiedust1234 · 24/06/2022 13:03

Stop op. Just stop. Refuse to discuss it anymore. He can go alone.

The sulking, the arguments are just control tools. Hes trying to make this so unpleasant that you will never be so unwifely ever again. Hes manipulating you to "behave".

Its not the wedding. Its you finding your voice and being punished for it. Open your eyes and see what else he does, then its time for a proper talk. Good luck Flowers

Stravaig · 24/06/2022 13:05

Why on earth did you apologise to him, OP?

He didn't make a clear plan with you, he didn't RSVP, he didn't book time off work, he didn't arrange travel or accomodation, he didn't put childcare in place. He didn't do anything at all to facilitate his plan. I'd be spelling that out to him, then telling him to fuck off until he's a competent adult ready to give me a grovelling apology.

Stravaig · 24/06/2022 13:24

Thread after thread after thread about these pathetic, entitled, childish, selfish dickhead men…so depressing and sad.

Let's not forget the women who enable them, who marry and have children with them. It is depressing and sad.

AnneElliott · 24/06/2022 13:29

I think your DH is being a dickhead. What if his work doesn't let him leave or someone else has a crisis and he must stay - what's he going to do then? Terrible on his part to let other people down at work and lie to leave early!

Plus no planned babysitter or travel arrangements and it's someone else's wedding! I'd be happy going to a wedding with all my mates while my partner sorted the kids at home! It means you can stay as long as you want and don't have to stress about babysitters etc.

Don't feel guilty. You are not his PA and I bet it's not guaranteed that he can blah off work anyway!