To think I don't need to go to this wedding

[GollGosh]

My DH has a couple of friends. I don't know them very well at all.

They are getting married. Was a last minute thing. Invite on WhatsApp. Its a knees up, not food, just booze in a pub for an afternoon and night

But DH has work that day and his work is 2.5 hours for the wedding. He said he wanted to go and was considering turning up to work, making up an excuse and running to London to make it in time for the event. He said maybe he would get his parents to look after our DC so we could have a first night out in London since they were born (DC are 1 and 3). He mentioned this plan once weeks ago but we both agreed it would be very tricky for him to get out of work. We also live so far away from the place it's happening. Also his partners are elderly and we thought quite a lot to leave them with them with 2 very hyper boys.

We haven't talked about it since. He's very bad at organising stuff under his own steam but I'm not bothered so didn't really enquire further.

2 of my best friends have a 8 year old son and they' asked if I could have him to stay that same weekend as they really needed some help. I have to admit I forgot the date and didn't bother checking and just said yes. So I can't go to the wedding. I can't leave my own DC and a random 8 year old with our in laws.

I have said to DH "oh well you will have to do it alone. I'll stay at home and look after 3 kids" I apologised.

He is now saying I've hugely fucked up, ruined our plans, and that he doesn't want to go. He's asked me to tell my friends I can't have the 8 year old anymore

He was just getting angry about it again and I snapped "look you're having a party in London for the weekend and I'm staying at home with 3 kids and yet you're the one we are all meant to feel sorry for" and he's now not talking to me

He hasn't RSVPd, hasn't got a plan for work, he basically said he doesn't want to go without me but its probs cos I'd have organised it all.

He knows loads of people there. I know no one there.

I wasn't being grumpy about staying at all, I was apologetic. But there is a limited to how sorry I can feel for him??

Who's in the wrong here?

'Dear dh, I checked the diary there was nothing there. I presumed if you were going you'd have claimed that weekend on the diary, booked your parents for babysitting, booked trains, booked a hotel. As none of this has happened I presumed you weren't going. This argument has happened because you don't organise yourself, I'm not your pa, I'm happy for you to go by yourself but do not start another argument about this. '

He is aware there's nothing stopping you and him going away for the weekend another times isn't he? I would hate to be the spare part at a wedding like this, not knowing til the last minute if he's blagged his way out of work or not, making small talk while he gets lashed with old mates, worrying he's ruined his reputation with work. You were his taxi, no wonder he's annoyed. But it's ridiculous.

How dare he speak to you like that. I’d tell him (when he decides he wants to talk) that you want to talk to him about his lack of planning and the fact he see’s you as some kind of PA organising his life)

Weird. I'm 40, my parents are 78 and 77 and pretty immobile.

And I have a 1 year old. Not everyone could have kids as spring chickens 😂

Well I assume "Mary and Joe" will be up for minding your kids another weekend so that you and your husband can go away together? Otherwise, it seems very one-sided, and odd that their plans trump yours.

I am with dh
You screwed his plans over

Id be angry too.
But if i was him I'd still go and leave you with your hyper kids and an 8yo 🤣

Just say this!

I have a dh who comes up with random plans all the time and expects the organisation fairy to spring into action. I, like you, 'hear' the ones I don't mind doing and I 'don't hear' the ones I'm not interested in. They just don't happen
But I never get blamed for it . I think I started long ago saying, your plan, you sort it!

OP I'm raging on your behalf. What an entitled dickhead! I have been where you are, my DH finally learned to write things on the bloody calendar after an incident like this one.

YANBU

Op didn't have plans! Op's dh had a very vague thought of Op organising a plan for them for something he wanted to do!

Op, I get it. Tell him it's not your problem and to fuck the fuck off with blaming you.

Tell him if he was that excited about having a night away with you he would have booked a train, hotel, babysitter, told you of the definate arrangements and also sorted out leave from work as if his 'excuse' for leaving work doesn't go to plan a. He won't be leaving work that day so it's all pointless anyway and b. He risks his job to go to a social event.

Dick

He wanted to spend time with you. Yes he wants to go to the wedding. But the kicker is that he wanted the time with you that's now off. And you don't sound bothered about that, which must make it even worse

Oh come on. If he wanted to spend time with her why didn't he arrange for his parents to babysit, sort out a realistic plan for getting out of work, think about how they're going to get there and get back and put it in the family calendar? He has done none of those things. Not one.
It's easy to act like he's gutted now and blame OP for a child-free night together being off the cards, but the truth is that because of his lack of effort and planning it was never on the cards! Not unless OP took over and sorted absolutely everything.

Not only was OP expected to organise everything (even though the B&G are her DH's friends and she barely knows them) she was also expected to read her DH's mind! How was she supposed to know he had his heart set on them going together? How was she supposed to know it was important to him? Because he hasn't had a proper conversation with her about it, or even mentioned it to her for weeks! He hasn't even RSVP'd to the wedding.

Now he's shouting at her. She has apologised to him. She's said she's happy for him to go and have fun with his friends and she'll look after the kids which, let's face it, was always going to happen because he has done nothing about a babysitter. But he's still shouting at her for apparently ruining something that she knows full well was never going to happen. That's the real "kicker".

I'm not surprised OP sounds thoroughly fed up with her DH. It must be exhausting living with a man who doesn't take responsibility for anything and then blames you for everything.

He’s being a dick.

if you’re going to get frail GPs to babysit, surely the answer is to be reasonably nearby so that if it all goes wrong you can go back? (I may have been scarred by going to a festival 3 hours away and trying to negotiate with A&E and DD who’d broken her arm.) A wedding is likely to be fun for him, might be for you but might also be rubbish, it’s definitely not couple time.

He didn't have any plans but other than that...sure.

I guess I could have hassled him for clarity and done things like call MiL to see if she was around etc. But im fed up on doing that so I just left it snd he never mentioned it again. The wedding is so soon. He hasn't even RSVPd.

You decided to go to dp friend’s wedding.
Your dp was excited to spend time with you and see his friends.
Instead of telling him you don’t want to go, you make other plans for the same time which are more to your liking.

You should have told him you weren’t going or helping to organise it rather than just making other plans.

I don’t think this is really about the wedding/weekend/night, I think that’s just the straw that broke the camels back, and there are bigger conversations to be had!

Can she have really screwed his plans over if he hasn't actually made any plans?

I don't think you've done anything wrong, the wedding of people you hardly know is a chore not a night out! He can fuck off talking to you like he did when you were watching TV as well. He's brought it up to make you anxious. You didn't do anything wrong. I don't think he actually had any intention of going but now you have provided him a very convenient excuse as to why he can't go and he gets to be pissed off with you about it too. Nothing to do with his own lack of planning, but he can pin it all on you. Is he always this much of a dick?

I don’t believe the dp is incapable of organising anything, he’s just one of those people that doesn’t need a schedule at all times and can check what train he needs to get on while on the bus to the station.

That is a truely shitty thing to do.

More to my liking?? Home alone with a 1 year old, 3 year old and 8 year old. Sure.

I was trying to help my friends out and hoping my godson could have a fun sleepover. But is looking after 3 kids alone all weekend after a full week of work my idea of a great weekend? No.

OP — you could be me.
I understand the feeling of being the PA and the frustration of having to chase up someone else’s plans.
After many similar arguments we made an agreement that unless something is in the online calendars it doesn’t count. If I’ve sent the invite and DH has ignored it, im entitled to take it as acceptance and he has to come. If something else is already in the calendar for x date then it’s tough and unless we both agree, it doesn’t get changed.
DH got better at organising and putting things in after he fell foul of that system a couple of times and now it works for us.
YADNBU

Just wanted to say I understand OP as this is my husband and in-laws. It drives me scatty as I was brought up to plan in advance and also taught that it was polite to give people a heads up when asking to visit (😅) and like you I often end up resenting being the one to organise everything. Recently I've stopped doing it and DH did miss an event because he hadn't sorted accommodation or transport. He was disappointed but wasn't cross with me when I calmly pointed out to him that I can't keep taking on all the mental load for planning every trip and also mothering him by having to prompt him or try to mind-read what he's thinking about going to things if he doesn't communicate. Maybe try this approach with your DH? X

@B0ssAssB1tch Well he can definitely be a dick. But quite a lot of people on here seem to understand his anger. I just don't know why he was so so angry. I'm not stopping him going. In fact I'm helping him go because I'm looking after the kids and he doesn't have any plan in place to look after them. (Not to mention his work issue that isn't sorted)

Agree. In both directions.

OP - I get that you're annoyed that he doesn't follow through and organise things but you should have said "ok, if you organise everything, I'm in" and then kept the weekend clear OR "I don't really feel like it and also Friends have asked if I can babysit" not just nod along and do your own thing

DH needs to make stuff happen but he also sounds like he is trying to say that he wants time with you and you either don't like him enough to want to spend time with him (which is a concern) or aren't properly communicating that you need him to do the organising.

As an aside, your relationship with your friends is a bit lopsided if their son is always welcome at yours overnight but you haven't had a night out in years... I get that an 8 year old is easier than a 1 and 3 year old but I can't believe they haven't reciprocated at all.

OP, it sounds to me like your husband is spitting his dummy because deep down he knows full well that making it to this wedding is an absolute impossibility (due to work, distance, childcare), and you're a convenient scapegoat.

You are absolutely, 100% not in the wrong. Stick to your guns and stand your ground. I am fuming on your behalf at the way he spoke to you last night.