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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My brother refuses to move out

188 replies

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:46

Name change.

My brother is 37. He has always lived at home. Pre covid; he was travelling mostly the states on a specific visa (can't remember which one.... b1?) anyway, he was only home for like a month, then away back over again for 3-4 months at a time. Covid hit and he's found himself stuck at home.

Since this time, he has been incredibly troubled. I worry I may offend here but I'm saying as it is...

He says he's depressed. However he only treats my parents like absolute shite. He does nothing in the house and expects everything to be handed to him. He acts like everything is fine, and I'd honestly say he is his usual self to his friends.

He is very manipulative to get his way. My parents are late 60s and honestly I think they are verging on a stroke or heart attack. Believe me when I say this, they are at breaking point.

They have asked him to leave, says he won't as he has mental health issues and can't manage on his own.
They have offered to buy him a place, he refuses.
They have tried calling various groups, police (when he's in one of his aggressive outbursts), social services and no one helps. Just tell my parents to ask him to leave which he refuses to do.

Lately my dad booked them a holiday and my brother wanted to go. So he booked it. My brother paid. The night before the holiday, he had an outburst and refused to go. Ironically he survived in the house for 3 weeks absolutely fine despite claiming he can't live on his own.

My parents have been home less than a week and he's kicked off again. Claims my dad is aggressive and is a bully. He's anything but.

My brother is on medication but always taps the doctors all is fine. He smokes weed and vapes loads.

It's now at the stage my parents are fighting (verbally) with each other.

I'm worried about my parents. But I don't know what to do. He refuses to leave and says he will commit suicide if he's forced to leave. My parents fully believe he would do it.

He is a musician by trade so he does some work for his commissions, but half the time he blames my parents aggression as the reason he falls behind on work.

He hates my parents but he refuses to leave. He's got it good at home. I've seen how he manipulates the situation, makes my parents out to be the bad one when it's honestly him and his moods. I honestly think he might be bipolar.
He has counselling but he says it's a waste of time. He claims he had a life of bullying from my dad. He didn't and I know that for a fact.

What can we do? No one seems to want to help.

OP posts:
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:46

Sorry, I was posting on here for traffic

OP posts:
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:48

I'm basically begging for help here on behalf of my parents.

We're in Scotland if that's relevant

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2022 19:50

Adult social services referral for your parents?

Realistically if they are not prepared tonforce him out of their house there is very little anyone can do.

MichelleScarn · 22/06/2022 19:51

Your parents need to tell him to leave and mean it. Am sure the police can remove him?

reallypuzzledoverthis · 22/06/2022 19:51

When he next turns aggressive they need to ring the police and tell them they feel they are in danger and when the police come ask them to remove him, they need to keep doing this so he gets the message that they will not put up with his shit

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:52

reallypuzzledoverthis · 22/06/2022 19:51

When he next turns aggressive they need to ring the police and tell them they feel they are in danger and when the police come ask them to remove him, they need to keep doing this so he gets the message that they will not put up with his shit

They've done this several times before. The police never get involved.

OP posts:
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:53

LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2022 19:50

Adult social services referral for your parents?

Realistically if they are not prepared tonforce him out of their house there is very little anyone can do.

Tried all this. Honestly it's just door slammed in the face one by one.

I've said tell him to leave and phone the police when he refuses and he will likely be taken to emergency homeless accommodation. My parents said no because he will commit suicide.

OP posts:
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:54

My dad is more firm with telling him to leave, my mum is being soft.

OP posts:
felulageller · 22/06/2022 19:54

"he smokes weed"

Enough said.

Your parents need to get the police to physically remove him from the house.

They can then refer him to an addictions worker.

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:55

felulageller · 22/06/2022 19:54

"he smokes weed"

Enough said.

Your parents need to get the police to physically remove him from the house.

They can then refer him to an addictions worker.

Nope. They've tried that. They won't get involved as he's not being violent or threatening 🤨

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 22/06/2022 19:55

You need a court order to evict him.

MarmiteyCrumpets · 22/06/2022 19:55

Change the locks when he's out.

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:56

He used to post on Facebook all these bloody statuses about how he's alone or how he wants to end things etc. someone reported the post and must of selected the my friend needs help option because that's the one time the police have come out and he told them all was absolutely fine and had no idea what they were talking about.

OP posts:
CheapNcheerful · 22/06/2022 19:57

Him smoking weed rings alarm bells as that can cause aggression and personality change. I'd call the police on him to get him removed.

JumpingPiglets · 22/06/2022 19:57

If your parents are serious, they need to change the locks and get non molestation order. A solicitor can help. Family lawyer best bet. This is no different from an abusive partner refusing to leave.

If they are worried they can arrange temporary accommodation (without telling him if need be) first.

But - it requires them to be serious about it.

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:57

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/06/2022 19:55

You need a court order to evict him.

He's not a Tennant?

OP posts:
WhatNowwwww · 22/06/2022 19:58

If I were you I’d help your parents to rent him a flat and pay the rent for 6 months. Then change the locks and give him the keys to the flat.
Remind then that he coped fine when travelling. He won’t commit suicide, he’s just playing on their emotions and it’s manipulative and awful behaviour.
tell
them they can visit him every day if they’re worried, but they do have to get him out of the house. For his sake as well as theirs. It’s not doing him any favours letting him stay there and become so reliant on them.

JumpingPiglets · 22/06/2022 19:59

They don't need a court order to evict him. He is there as a licensor only because his parents permit him to stay They just need to get him out and change the locks.

A non-molestation order can force him out if he never physically leaves. Or is a good idea if there is a risk of him hanging around outside.

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:59

WhatNowwwww · 22/06/2022 19:58

If I were you I’d help your parents to rent him a flat and pay the rent for 6 months. Then change the locks and give him the keys to the flat.
Remind then that he coped fine when travelling. He won’t commit suicide, he’s just playing on their emotions and it’s manipulative and awful behaviour.
tell
them they can visit him every day if they’re worried, but they do have to get him out of the house. For his sake as well as theirs. It’s not doing him any favours letting him stay there and become so reliant on them.

They were going to do this! They were going to even buy him a place, but he refused to leave.

OP posts:
CheapNcheerful · 22/06/2022 19:59

And the whole suicide thing is bullshit. He's being abusive and manipulative using his life as a weapon. That's so wrong on so many levels. Police is probably the only way to get him out.

Sicario · 22/06/2022 20:00

Threatening suicide is a well-known form of abuse. It's the ultimate emotional blackmail. The usual advice is to call 999 if someone is threatening suicide.

Your parents need to evict him. They might want to seek legal advice but they are perfectly within their rights to enjoy their own home in peace.

There is no easy way for them to evict him if he's going to be difficult about it, but he has no right to be there.

Jalepenojello · 22/06/2022 20:01

You need to deal with your parents. They are the only ones who can do something here. Pack his bags, change the locks. Call the police if/when he gets violent on returning. There is nothing you can do unless they aren’t willing to take action.

Porcupineintherough · 22/06/2022 20:02

We had a similar situation w my brother (right down to the weed smoking). Bottom line is he has no right to live there and your parents can ask him to leave anytime (or just lock the door when he goes out). But they have to mean it and stick to it. The police can remove him if he refuses to go, but it may

Porcupineintherough · 22/06/2022 20:03

...take a few hours before an officer is free to attend (quicker if he gets aggressive/violent). Both parents have to agree though - it only takes one to say he can stay.

RudsyFarmer · 22/06/2022 20:03

Ive heard of people moving to get rid of adult kids.