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Original poster

My brother refuses to move out

188 replies

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:46

Name change.

My brother is 37. He has always lived at home. Pre covid; he was travelling mostly the states on a specific visa (can't remember which one.... b1?) anyway, he was only home for like a month, then away back over again for 3-4 months at a time. Covid hit and he's found himself stuck at home.

Since this time, he has been incredibly troubled. I worry I may offend here but I'm saying as it is...

He says he's depressed. However he only treats my parents like absolute shite. He does nothing in the house and expects everything to be handed to him. He acts like everything is fine, and I'd honestly say he is his usual self to his friends.

He is very manipulative to get his way. My parents are late 60s and honestly I think they are verging on a stroke or heart attack. Believe me when I say this, they are at breaking point.

They have asked him to leave, says he won't as he has mental health issues and can't manage on his own.
They have offered to buy him a place, he refuses.
They have tried calling various groups, police (when he's in one of his aggressive outbursts), social services and no one helps. Just tell my parents to ask him to leave which he refuses to do.

Lately my dad booked them a holiday and my brother wanted to go. So he booked it. My brother paid. The night before the holiday, he had an outburst and refused to go. Ironically he survived in the house for 3 weeks absolutely fine despite claiming he can't live on his own.

My parents have been home less than a week and he's kicked off again. Claims my dad is aggressive and is a bully. He's anything but.

My brother is on medication but always taps the doctors all is fine. He smokes weed and vapes loads.

It's now at the stage my parents are fighting (verbally) with each other.

I'm worried about my parents. But I don't know what to do. He refuses to leave and says he will commit suicide if he's forced to leave. My parents fully believe he would do it.

He is a musician by trade so he does some work for his commissions, but half the time he blames my parents aggression as the reason he falls behind on work.

He hates my parents but he refuses to leave. He's got it good at home. I've seen how he manipulates the situation, makes my parents out to be the bad one when it's honestly him and his moods. I honestly think he might be bipolar.
He has counselling but he says it's a waste of time. He claims he had a life of bullying from my dad. He didn't and I know that for a fact.

What can we do? No one seems to want to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:04

Sicario · 22/06/2022 20:00

Threatening suicide is a well-known form of abuse. It's the ultimate emotional blackmail. The usual advice is to call 999 if someone is threatening suicide.

Your parents need to evict him. They might want to seek legal advice but they are perfectly within their rights to enjoy their own home in peace.

There is no easy way for them to evict him if he's going to be difficult about it, but he has no right to be there.

Done this, well phoned 111 and a doctor called back. My brother initially refused the call at first but when he did speak to them, told them all was fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:04

RudsyFarmer · 22/06/2022 20:03

Ive heard of people moving to get rid of adult kids.

No joke, my dad wanted to sell up and buy a 1 bedroom flat!

OP posts:
1Wanda1 · 22/06/2022 20:05

This is a really tough situation and it's easy for strangers on the internet to say "just get him out" but that can be very hard for parents to do. I went through something similar with my own parents and brother. Fortunately he eventually did sort himself out but he put them through years of hell and still doesn't acknowledge that now.

Like your parents, mine (or my DM at least) couldn't bring themselves to chuck him out because they feared he'd kill himself/become a drug addict/be homeless. I get it. I'm not sure I could do that to any of my children either. However, maybe your parents could rent him a flat (if they can afford to), take him there, change the locks at home and tell him he needs to stand on his own 2 feet now but will be welcome to visit home by arrangement. That's the only thing I can think of. I always wanted my parents to do this but they wouldn't.

Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:07

1Wanda1 · 22/06/2022 20:05

This is a really tough situation and it's easy for strangers on the internet to say "just get him out" but that can be very hard for parents to do. I went through something similar with my own parents and brother. Fortunately he eventually did sort himself out but he put them through years of hell and still doesn't acknowledge that now.

Like your parents, mine (or my DM at least) couldn't bring themselves to chuck him out because they feared he'd kill himself/become a drug addict/be homeless. I get it. I'm not sure I could do that to any of my children either. However, maybe your parents could rent him a flat (if they can afford to), take him there, change the locks at home and tell him he needs to stand on his own 2 feet now but will be welcome to visit home by arrangement. That's the only thing I can think of. I always wanted my parents to do this but they wouldn't.

They've offered all of this, Even going as far to buy him a flat close to home. He's refused point blank.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 22/06/2022 20:07

They need to change the locks. Get reinforced door if necessary. Pack his stuff and leave it outside. Have some friends/family members there when he comes back so there's a bit of support for your parents

11Hawkins · 22/06/2022 20:08

Quite clearly this I'm going to kill myself is for attention if he's telling the police he doesn't know what they are on about when doing a welfare check.

So...

Change the locks when he's out. Stay with your parents when he comes back and call the police if he kicks off. Do it op.

MichelleScarn · 22/06/2022 20:08

I've said tell him to leave and phone the police when he refuses and he will likely be taken to emergency homeless accommodation. My parents said no because he will commit suicide.
So if your parents are saying no to contacting the police there is nothing anyone else can do.

Is it they want to say 'it's not us doing this its x y z' so not to be the 'baddies' to him?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/06/2022 20:09

If your parents were prepared to buy him a place and yet he won’t leave the family home…. Can they buy themselves a place and literally do a midnight flit and leave?
Either leave him in situ and sign that home over to him or sell the place with a tenant in situ (your brother) to one of these ‘we buy any home . com’.
Is this a doable thing in Scotland?
He sounds like a real manipulative person.

maryanne22 · 22/06/2022 20:09

F

Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:10

MichelleScarn · 22/06/2022 20:08

I've said tell him to leave and phone the police when he refuses and he will likely be taken to emergency homeless accommodation. My parents said no because he will commit suicide.
So if your parents are saying no to contacting the police there is nothing anyone else can do.

Is it they want to say 'it's not us doing this its x y z' so not to be the 'baddies' to him?

No, they've contacted the police many times, it's the homeless accommodation they worry about as the local one is full (no exaggeration) of drug addicts and they worry for his safety

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:12

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/06/2022 20:09

If your parents were prepared to buy him a place and yet he won’t leave the family home…. Can they buy themselves a place and literally do a midnight flit and leave?
Either leave him in situ and sign that home over to him or sell the place with a tenant in situ (your brother) to one of these ‘we buy any home . com’.
Is this a doable thing in Scotland?
He sounds like a real manipulative person.

No way! They've worked their assess off for that home and have done so much to it! Why on earth should they sign it over to him?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2022 20:12

tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 19:53

Tried all this. Honestly it's just door slammed in the face one by one.

I've said tell him to leave and phone the police when he refuses and he will likely be taken to emergency homeless accommodation. My parents said no because he will commit suicide.

Show quote history

Then if your parents WONT tell him to leave and mean in then tell them to stop moaning at you! If they're not going to change their reaction then the situation is not going to change is it? Noone will help them if they WONT throw him out. How can they?

cinq · 22/06/2022 20:13

@tryingtohelpmyparents where are you in scotland? are you near a big city like Glasgow where there’s accommodation perhaps more readily available for renting?

if so, pack his bags, lock the door and then call the police.

Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:14

@LittleOwl153 they have told him to leave many times, he just refuses. He retreats to his room for days on end. My dad is ready to throw him out, has been for years. My mum on the other hand is worried sick about him if he were to leave... thing is, he knows this!

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:15

cinq · 22/06/2022 20:13

@tryingtohelpmyparents where are you in scotland? are you near a big city like Glasgow where there’s accommodation perhaps more readily available for renting?

if so, pack his bags, lock the door and then call the police.

About 20 miles from nearest city (not Glasgow)

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 22/06/2022 20:16

Why not tell your parents it’s time to change the locks the next time he is out? Or just put the key in the door when he tries to come back - then simply refuse to open it - if he kicks up a fuss then call the police.

also seems to me like he wants to claim that house as his own when your parents are no longer here. Once he’s lived there so long then I think he will have rights (do check this though)

have you contacted him to say please leave? Or keep messaging him everyday telling him to get out

or when your parents are on holiday, change the locks then etc

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/06/2022 20:17

Because you’ve run out of alternative options. They either have to pick one or stay in the home with him and put up with it. There are only four options.

  1. he leaves voluntarily or by force.
  2. they leave.
  3. it carries on as it is.
  4. he or your parents die. (No one want that?) there is no fifth/sixth/seventh option of him miraculously becoming a nice pleasant person to live with and highly unlikely any of them or you will win the lottery or aliens will abduct him.
Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:20

Quitelikeit · 22/06/2022 20:16

Why not tell your parents it’s time to change the locks the next time he is out? Or just put the key in the door when he tries to come back - then simply refuse to open it - if he kicks up a fuss then call the police.

also seems to me like he wants to claim that house as his own when your parents are no longer here. Once he’s lived there so long then I think he will have rights (do check this though)

have you contacted him to say please leave? Or keep messaging him everyday telling him to get out

or when your parents are on holiday, change the locks then etc

Last Christmas I showed him flats nearby for rent. He said "yeah definitely show them to dad to look into" (he claims he doesn't know how to look into it himself). He tell me what I want to hear.

He still refuses at the end of the day. When I do contact now, he tries to say he's totally fine and it's my parents who are the problem.

I've asked him, if they're the problem, why stay? He says he can't live on his own. I've said get a room mate? He says again, he can't live on his own and couldn't manage.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:21

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/06/2022 20:17

Because you’ve run out of alternative options. They either have to pick one or stay in the home with him and put up with it. There are only four options.

  1. he leaves voluntarily or by force.
  2. they leave.
  3. it carries on as it is.
  4. he or your parents die. (No one want that?) there is no fifth/sixth/seventh option of him miraculously becoming a nice pleasant person to live with and highly unlikely any of them or you will win the lottery or aliens will abduct him.

He doesn't know this but I have POA, so no, that will not be happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtohelpmyparents · 22/06/2022 20:24

Apologies, quoted wrong post there when I mentioned POA.

OP posts:
FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 20:29

If your parents won’t kick him out or change the locks then he will stay living there.

It’s their decision as to whether they do or not. Maybe they could pay for him to have a nice weekend away somewhere and tell him while he’s there that he’s just moved out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2022 20:29

You need to work on mum. She's the one with terrible boundaries. As long as she's soft, there's nothing anyone can do because she has capacity and is choosing this.

Sucks but that's the reality.

FAQs · 22/06/2022 20:29

They isn’t anything you can do, if they refuse to kick him out?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/06/2022 20:31

@tryingtohelpmyparents Not a problem. We do need mn to be editable.

hattie43 · 22/06/2022 20:32

Well there's two choices .

Kick him out or put up with him . There is no halfway measure .

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