My brother refuses to move out

[tryingtohelpmyparents]

Name change.

My brother is 37. He has always lived at home. Pre covid; he was travelling mostly the states on a specific visa (can't remember which one.... b1?) anyway, he was only home for like a month, then away back over again for 3-4 months at a time. Covid hit and he's found himself stuck at home.

Since this time, he has been incredibly troubled. I worry I may offend here but I'm saying as it is...

He says he's depressed. However he only treats my parents like absolute shite. He does nothing in the house and expects everything to be handed to him. He acts like everything is fine, and I'd honestly say he is his usual self to his friends.

He is very manipulative to get his way. My parents are late 60s and honestly I think they are verging on a stroke or heart attack. Believe me when I say this, they are at breaking point.

They have asked him to leave, says he won't as he has mental health issues and can't manage on his own.
They have offered to buy him a place, he refuses.
They have tried calling various groups, police (when he's in one of his aggressive outbursts), social services and no one helps. Just tell my parents to ask him to leave which he refuses to do.

Lately my dad booked them a holiday and my brother wanted to go. So he booked it. My brother paid. The night before the holiday, he had an outburst and refused to go. Ironically he survived in the house for 3 weeks absolutely fine despite claiming he can't live on his own.

My parents have been home less than a week and he's kicked off again. Claims my dad is aggressive and is a bully. He's anything but.

My brother is on medication but always taps the doctors all is fine. He smokes weed and vapes loads.

It's now at the stage my parents are fighting (verbally) with each other.

I'm worried about my parents. But I don't know what to do. He refuses to leave and says he will commit suicide if he's forced to leave. My parents fully believe he would do it.

He is a musician by trade so he does some work for his commissions, but half the time he blames my parents aggression as the reason he falls behind on work.

He hates my parents but he refuses to leave. He's got it good at home. I've seen how he manipulates the situation, makes my parents out to be the bad one when it's honestly him and his moods. I honestly think he might be bipolar.
He has counselling but he says it's a waste of time. He claims he had a life of bullying from my dad. He didn't and I know that for a fact.

What can we do? No one seems to want to help.

Therapy for your mum is probably the only way. Yes you can change the locks etc etc but she will just let him back in.

@Lockupyourbiscuits

What are your qualifications in mental health?!

aAbsolutely nothing posted suggests the brother has a dependant personality disorder or requires inpatient treatment!

There is also nothing to suggest bipolar disorder.

This is a bloke we are presuming to have capacity, living with two adults who have capacity. No outside agency should need to be involved at all- not social services, not mental health services. Police maybe if he truly is aggressive when/if your parents put their foot down.

It is not the place of public services to get involved in family dynamics.

Change. The. Fucking. Locks.

It's domestic (violence ) abuse - (not safeguarding adults as parents don't have care & support needs)
You need to be using the words domestic abuse, coercive control and emotional abuse of your parents verbally aggression towards them , financial abuse of he refuses to pay anything or takes money under threat or intimidation, that he is residing there under their duress as he make threats of suicide / to kill himself if they force him to leave but they are constantly asking him to leave their property.

The police have a responsibility in domestic abuse and SHOULD be doing a DASH form with both your parents. Social services would then have a safeguarding responsibility as he may be considered a vulnerable perpetrator of abuse and you can call his GP saying he has gone to x himesksss shelter he is threatening to commit suicide please arrange crisis team.

When he starts shouting aggressively, your parents can calm police and ask them to remove him from their home as he has been aggressive (even if he's "calmed" by time police arrive- it's amazing how quickly abusers can switch to suddenly ever so polite and helpful to police officers, all a sign your DB has far more control that he tells your parents) (someone in a MH crisis can't switch it off, that's why services are t interested, so remind your DParents of this)

At minimum your parents should get referred to local domestic abuse support - who will have outreach worker and it'll get recorded that he is a domestic abuser and your parents they victims not the other way round. (Some abusers do make false counter claims which are easy to disprove! )
Go back to police and. Complain about their failure to deal with DA if parents or follow this when he next kicks off. Go round to support your parents to tell the police exactly what is happenings

Action plan
This can't continue.

He will have to leave at some point so do it safely and get DA support ((you can also look it up domestic abuse supprt by doing Google search for your parents area)

but ultimately your parents have to insist he leaves their home and no longer lives with them
(I'd suggest at a point he's kicked off call police to remove him, if he won't go willingly before) and then change the locks immediately and stay firm. Call police if he turns up threateningly.

Report any threats to harm himself to his GP and police for welfare check on him. Let them others deal with him.

You can't fix this, your parents might want him to go but they are not doing it.

read back your comments and your parents are allowing him to stay, by backing down. Until they have a united front and stop giving in, he is there for the duration.
On the suicide threats, often people say "it's just a threat they won't do it" but I am here to say, even if he does its not your parents responsibility. For instance they may become Ill and need care or eventually one day they will die... what will he do then?
My friend didn't leave his girlfriend because of these threats, he was killed in a accident and his girlfriend did kill herself a month later... looking back he should have just got on with it, because ultimately he could not protect her mental health from life and by allowing her to control him, this allowed her not to get treatment. But the reality most people use this as a form of control because it's simple.

Be brutally honest with your parents; the stress of your brother's behaviour will kill at least one of them before your brother kills himself. Also tell them you can't help if they're not on the same page about this. I'm genuinely very sorry you're in this position.

Op it sounds awful for your parents but sadly they are the only people who can change this, and they’re refusing to do so. Your brother is manipulative and abusive to your parents. You are all enabling him (even you!! Offering to batch cook for him? He is 37 years of age, stop babying him). This situation is out of control.

Service is for homeless or vulnerable people. Would you rather an elderly woman was being abused in her own home and left likevthat or would you rather an agency involved to address those issues? We help people out of abuse . Your response is ridiculous

And just to add nothappyatwork a lot of our clients are disabled adults who still live at home and experience abuse by parents!

Doesn't he leave the house ever? Just change the locks while he's out. If he comes back all argy-bargy, call the police "someone is trying to break in!"

Either leave him in situ and sign that home over to him or sell the place with a tenant in situ (your brother) to one of these ‘we buy any home . com’.
No way! They've worked their assess off for that home and have done so much to it! Why on earth should they sign it over to him?

But selling it with him as a tenant means they'd have money from that sale - would the reduction from the full market price be more than what they could afford to spend on buying a home?
Not ideal - but it sounds as if the recent years of your brothers behaviour will have marred fond memories of their home anyway.

Both your parents need to be fully behind getting him to leave (or leaving themselves) - half hearted "but we won't do that because..." mean that he'll be there forever.

• sorry, that should have been "buying him a home"

I've told her that he will get a harsh slap of reality when he's on his own and will have to find somewhere to live as I've been told to sell the house. He will get half of the sale money and he will have to live on his own and get a place.

Have both DPs got wills in place stating that the house is to be sold and you get half each? Have you seen the Wills and are you an Executor?

Do you have POA for both DPs?

Someone mentioned Therapy for your DM. Sadly this won't work unless your Dm genuinely wants to change and us willing to engage.