To let my boys play football/basketball in my garden?

[mrsh1807]

My neighbours have sent me a couple of very unpleasant text messages telling me to stop my boys playing football in our garden as they don’t want to hear it.

I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling really anxious to be honest. They’ve never raised it as a concern before the messages, and the tone was intimidating.

I replied to the first one suggesting we reach an agreement where we can all enjoy our gardens, and this was responded to by them telling, not asking, me to send them to the park down the road. Those were their words, telling not asking. They’re in their early 50s.

Boys are 11 and 15. We have a decent sized garden.

I’m a single parent so feel I’m an easy target.

Do I have any options other than moving house?!

Thanks.

Another selfish dick with no thought for anybody but themselves. I dread to think what kind of arrogant self-serving men those boys will turn out to be. They’ve never had consideration for others modelled to them. Sad.

@UWhatNow

Yes, because a happy outdoors childhood, out playing in the garden with friends = arrogant, self -serving men.

God, seen it all. 🙄

I'm afraid you'll find if your noise is excessive and loud your neighbours could take action. We don't live in the '70s anymore.

Exactly. Children need to get out an engage in more physical activity. We all know that.

But that's almost like a threat to some posters on here.

Seriously you sound ridiculous.

Why? Isn't that what gardens are for? Children playing safely?

Why? Isn't that what gardens are for? Children playing safely?

Turns out they're not - just the mention of children playing is winding posters up.

@sunglassesonthetable it's not as simple as posters thinking children shouldn't play in gardens. Of course they should.

But the neighbour in the OP's case has mentioned damage to property, other neighbours complaining too, disrespect from the older boys (possibly swearing) and a suspicion that the kids are playing far longer when she's not at home.

The posters getting 'wound up' on this thread are the ones who have had to endure excessive noise from neighbours. Maybe you could try to consider for just one moment the hell of lockdown when we were only allowed to go out for one exercise walk a day and being trapped next to constant noise. I've had five years of being woken up most nights. Broken sleep is no fun. Fortunately they are moving soon. No, I won't be having a loud celebratory garden party!

Yeah some people think they were better off up chimneys!

Gardens are there to be enjoyed by children too. Why should they go to the park?!

@ballsdeep you're okay with the damage to property then?

• not as simple as posters thinking children shouldn't play in gardens. Of course they should.

But the neighbour in the OP's case has mentioned damage to property, other neighbours complaining too, disrespect from the older boys (possibly swearing) and a suspicion that the kids are playing far longer when she's not at home.

The posters getting 'wound up' on this thread are the ones who have had to endure excessive noise from neighbours. Maybe you could try to consider for just one moment the hell of lockdown when we were only allowed to go out for one exercise walk a day and being trapped next to constant noise. I've had five years of being woken up most nights. Broken sleep is no fun. Fortunately they are moving soon. No, I won't be having a loud celebratory garden party!
*

I think you sound as if you are projecting here @PoseyFlump from bad experiences you have had. Which must have been awful for you.

But I am not sure where you got swearing and disrespect from? Or other neighbours complaining? OP says she is aware how long the boys are playing ( and they only live 1/2 the time at home! )

The neighbour has alluded to damage without being specific if it's loads of plants or a snapped stem. You have chosen to believe that it's considerable damage.

You have frankly chosen to believe the worst case scenario in all the things you mention.

But I'm glad your noisy neighbours are off and you can have some peace.

Thank you @sunglassesonthetable my thoughts exactly. The worst of all comments and even just suggestions made by other posters are being taken as absolute truth. My boys don't shout abuse at the neighbours or swear at them.

They're playing in our relatively large garden with high hedges. The neighbours have mentioned in passing a damaged plant, once, as part of a very unfriendly set of text messages where they raised the issue of football for the very first time. I know that the ball has only been over once in recent times.

Contrary to what some people are saying, I DO know when the balls go over as they do tell me, and they go and knock on their front doors to politely ask for their ball to be thrown back. This is in my opinion a totally normal part of family life in a neighbourhood.

It's sad that some have clearly had terrible experiences, however I firmly believe all we are guilty of is playing in our garden and the associated sounds, normal family sounds. Last night we sat outside and had a BBQ and were chatting with some background music. I felt paranoid the whole time, in case this normal family activity was causing upset.

Compromise has been talked about a few times here, usually from the perspective that we should compromise entirely and be silent as my neighbours are unhappy. That is not a fair or equal compromise.

My female neighbour has since said she doesn't want the boys to stop playing in our garden as it's what is right for kids to do, she's just asked for a curfew (agreed) and I've asked her to let me know if their play ever goes on for too long at any time. Hopefully we will work together on this.

I am sorry for anyone who is the victim of antisocial and unrelenting noise, but that is not what we are doing. The boys are at school all day and when I say they are at their dad's house every other weekend, they leave my house on a Thursday morning and don't return until the following Monday evening.

@PoseyFlump I am sorry for you as you are clearly scarred by your situation, but what you describe is a worst case scenario that actually although based on words written, has been twisted to sound like we are neighbours from hell. I hope your home life improves significantly when your neighbours leave.

On that note, I am over and out :)

I have watched this thread and I have found it quite troubling. I agree that kids should not make excessive noise and should not disturb their neighbours unduly. However, outdoor play is an important part of childhood and I am chilled to think of anyone puncturing a child's ball when it accidentally goes over a fence- unavoidable occasionally. I have never heard of anyone where I live doing this and I would be appalled if anyone did this to my children. What kind of example would this set in terms of tolerance? My kids are now a little older, but next door has quite small boys and girls. I have told them if your ball comes over just come round and get it. They would never be out particularly late and it is nice to hear the sounds of the kids playing and enjoying themselves. I have told the boys if they get to Wembly DH needs a ticket!

@mrsh1807 your latest message contradicts earlier posts. You say you do know when balls have gone over but previously you said you had no knowledge of it. You mentioned names that you didn't know so I think it's reasonable to assume they are also neighbours who are complaining to your neighbour (unless he is listing the names of his pet gerbils for shits and giggles)

I'm not projecting, I happen to think you sound mostly reasonable, but I'm merely pointing out that those posters who are coming on here and saying kids can make as much noise as they want, do what they want and anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off, are out of order.

There's always two sides to every story and I think your neighbour has dealt with it incorrectly but I don't think people get angry like that over some gentle child playing sounds in the garden. That has to be more to it.

There's always two sides to every story and I think your neighbour has dealt with it incorrectly but I don't think people get angry like that over some gentle child playing sounds in the garden. That has to be more to it.

And Mr "Telling Not Asking" sounds a charmer doesn't he ? despite OP's reasonableness.

I'm afraid you got quite a few things wrong in your previous assessment of the situation and seemed to attribute things to the DC that other posters had suggested.

You can always point blank disbelieve an OP if you want to 🤷‍♀️ and you seem to want to.

and saying kids can make as much noise as they want, do what they want and anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off, are out of order.

Hmmm - really?

@sunglassesonthetable I've read all 265 posts of this thread. Do I really need to go back and pick out the posts for you that say exactly as I've quoted?? There are numerous posts telling the OP to tell her neighbour to fuck off. Really.

Agree, they are very extreme . @PoseyFlump But do you think the OP represents them? Hardly?

You seem to want to think the worst.

@sunglassesonthetable I don't think the worst. I just think the OP isn't telling us the complete truth. I guess everyone tells their side of the story in a better light.

Look, in the opening post the OP tells us that suddenly out of the blue she receives some angry texts and had no idea there was a problem.

But in a later post she said 'my heart sinks when coming home when I can see they’re home'. I just don't think those two things make sense together. Either it's a complete surprise or it's a long standing issue. It can't be both 🤷🏻‍♀️

Part and parcel of having neighbours is noise. My neoghbours kids used to cry and scream a lot a couple fo years ago so if it was bothering me, I'd go inside and work.

My own kids used to play and make noise when they were younger and if they still wanted to play out I wouldn't stop them.

I have to listen to lawnmowers, hedge strimmers, parties, music, talking, kids playing. It is normal. My parents don't like noise so they live in quite an isolated place.

And the text is threatening. Fair enough to ask and suggest alternatives but the way he wrote it is horrible and would make me less inclined to do anything about it

I have theories as to why this was a big deal at that moment in time, but they're just that so I'm not willing to share that detail. I'm making a bunch of assumptions, it fits my narrative. Just as several posters on here have done the same about me.

She is the one who is now being reasonable, I haven't spoken to him. Can't anyway, he's not there most of the time.

She said - I didn't send any text messages. Hmmm no, your husband did. I am confident she was fully aware of them though. I've done my damnedest to fix this issue, taking the high ground in spite of the unpleasant messages that were sent.

Maybe he is listing his other neighbours, yup, but she has also complained to me about their grandchildren playing in their garden so, you know, if occasional visiting grandchildren cannot play what hope have we got?!

If gardens cannot be used by home owners, what is the purpose of them? In fact, on reflection I've realised that none of my immediate neighbours have children as young as mine, so the sounds of them playing are more obvious as there is no blending with similar sounds coming from other gardens.

Yes I generally know when the ball is gone because they'll come in gloomy because they cannot play anymore. They'll try and retrieve it politely, they do not climb over fences and trample plants.

Thanks for your support in this matter, as I've said before, and good luck with your personal situation. That situation is not the same as mine.

I really am over and out this time! 🙃

Really is my final message - my heart sinking has been since the text messages were sent, not before. Before that everything was fine.

I have theories as to why this was a big deal at that moment in time, but they're just that so I'm not willing to share that detail.

Then I guess that explains why some posters feel like something is missing. Perhaps you should have posted in chat rather than AIBU if you didn't want to be questioned on inconsistencies. I've explained my situation because I know that if you were to speak with my neighbours they would say their behaviour is perfectly reasonable (despite 2 next door neighbours moving in 5 years )

Plain and simple - your neighbours are dickheads!

Then I guess that explains why some posters feel like something is missing. Perhaps you should have posted in chat rather than AIBU if you didn't want to be questioned on inconsistencies.

Pretty sure OP has been happy to answer questions.

It's pointless though if she's 'not willing' to share all the info. Her words not mine.