To let my boys play football/basketball in my garden?

[mrsh1807]

My neighbours have sent me a couple of very unpleasant text messages telling me to stop my boys playing football in our garden as they don’t want to hear it.

I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling really anxious to be honest. They’ve never raised it as a concern before the messages, and the tone was intimidating.

I replied to the first one suggesting we reach an agreement where we can all enjoy our gardens, and this was responded to by them telling, not asking, me to send them to the park down the road. Those were their words, telling not asking. They’re in their early 50s.

Boys are 11 and 15. We have a decent sized garden.

I’m a single parent so feel I’m an easy target.

Do I have any options other than moving house?!

Thanks.

I'd be tempted to text back ' hope you remember to think of your neighbours next time you have the hot tub on or large loud parties'

I can see both sides:

on one side the sound of a ball repeatedly being bounced, especially hard basketballs and more grown up footballs, is fucking infuriating, and Close quarters.in a patio with echo it is very intrusive.

On the other side, it is a garden, dc are allowed to play etc etc

I don't think there is an all round happy solution, perhaps compromise is possible eg limit on length of time, earliest and latest times, bouncing on grass not patio, not bouncing on walls or fences?

Oh and if the neighbours in any way were the types for loud parties, music, hot tubs, late at night noise etc then I would be telling them to fuck themselves as they would be hypocrites and then I would be out playing basketball myself.

They only bounce on the grass, do not bounce off fences as there is only one in the garden at the rear and the goal is in front of that.

Can I suggest they alternate between basketball and football though, basketball is particularly annoying because of the bouncing. 15 mins and it's driving you crazy. Football is fine, nowhere near as annoying. You obviously have grumpy neighbours, but you are aware what you can do, and perhaps sometimes they do go to the park

The consensus is to make sure the noise is contained and they don't play too early, too late or for too long. I will deal with that.

In the meantime I hope my neighbours will consider that an acceptable compromise, although I am not convinced they will as they want silence from us in this respect.

To stop my boys from playing in the garden at all is not a compromise.

After that last message I'd tell him to piss off. Completely unreasonable to 'tell' you to send DS to the park when you've got a garden. I would understand if they were causing a considerable amount of disruption but it sounds like they aren't.

Yep I get that, I do wonder if the neighbours actually mean the noise of the basketball hoop rather than the football.

If they're capable of using the park, why not use the park?

My neighbors with three kids have a basketball hoop, trampoline and football goal in their small yard despite a large and well equipped park that is literally a 1-minute walk away. In a very low-crime, safe community. We are on a quiet street with small gardens.

They moved in three years ago and I have heard him more than once on his phone complaining that his wife is sad that none of us bother speaking/getting to know them. That it "turned out to be an unfriendly area."

It's because they are selfish, loud, inconsiderate clods. The rest of us are friendly to one another. No one wants to associate with them.

Your neighbour sounds horrible.

Any points he had were lost when he said he was "telling not asking" ... or what?
The tone is awful. I couldn't even speak to them after that message.

You sounded assertive enough in your first reply. Ensure your kids don't kick the ball over to their plants and ignore the miserable git.

The occasional party is different than the repetitive bouncing of a basketball for, cumulatively, hours a week when others are trying to relax.

That's the bit that really got me too.

Honestly having seen his last message, sod him.

im embracing the “you do you” mindset these days.

you’ve said what you’re prepared to offer. And that’s more than he’s actually entitled to. Ignore, ignore ignore

IF he ever says anything, be clear in your reply. “I’ve spoken to them about considerate behaviour, but what they’re doing isn’t out of line with ordinary Living. It’s not hot tubs till midnight or anything like that, so live and let live.”

Since seeing the texts I do wonder if there’s more to this OP. Why would he say it was constant if they were only out for 30 minutes and don’t kick or bounce the ball? Also are the balls going over the fence and damaging it or his plants because if so I’m not surprised he’s at the end of his tether.

I think with this context I’m feeling more sorry for him (as someone who has had property damaged and endless noise from footballs) though he was wrong to say he was telling you to do it. It does sound like your kids either needs more supervision or to go to the park more.

Honestly there is not more too it - if there is I have no idea what it is!

If they have been damaging his plants etc, I wish he'd told me sooner. The ball had gone over his fence the day before the text came through, perhaps that was the issue? He (or his wife) could easily have spoken to me about it though, we don't have a bad history.

There does seem to be some sort of sub text going on here, but I genuinely don't know what.

Sorry OP, this was actually meant to another poster not you.

It sounds like your neighbour is retired? When is he mostly in the garden? Why don't you send your kids to the park to play sport?

OP, I have an issue with my neighbours and their awful children, so I was fully prepared to say YABU, send the bloody kids to the park etc...

BUT

having seen your garden it's clear they're nowhere near the boundary when they're playing, and there's not much for them to 'bang' the ball off other than the goalpost or the ground which won't make much noise. It is very petty for anyone to take issue with that.

Lovely garden btw, I can see why it sold you on the house!

My neighbours have a garden about a sixth of the size of yours at best. Narrow with wooden fences on either side. Their kids relentlessly smash their ball against the fence. I replaced the fence 3 years ago, the new one is falling apart thanks to them (it's like new my side, on their side all the supports have come off). They also kick the ball over daily - the record was 8 in a day once - and climb my fence to get the ball if it's not returned quickly enough.

They are horrible neighbours.

In contrast, I cannot imagine having any issue with your sons playing, and I think it is your neighbours who are the problem, without a doubt.

If you’re certain that that’s the only time a ball has gone over and damaged his plants then as it only happened yesterday or the day before, this was him telling you, though?

Unless balls tend to go over more often (which I suspect is more likely having lived next to boys and footballs), in which case you do need to tell your kids to rein it in. It’s clearly not just the noise that’s an issue though he certainly seems to think it’s worse than you do.

Neighbours tend to get a pasting on here if they object to things like this but often I wonder what their perspective is on it.

@mrsh1807 you're not BU at all!

You've bought your house, and garden, and are entitled to use it, as long as you're being considerate to your neighbours, which it seems like you are, I.e., you're not allowing your boys to play football at unsociable times. (Technically you'd be entitled to use it at unsociable times too, but most of us are considerate enough not to do that!)

Your neighbour's messages are pretty shocking; I think your responses are perfectly fair. You can't expect silence in a suburban area!

Your neighbour is being ridiculous.
First, why can’t he knock in your door, and ask to have a word? That’s what any normal person would do.
Second, he seems to have blown things up if he’s saying the boys are out there all the time…
Third, he says you should respect your neighbour but he’s not respecting you is he?! He’s been incredibly rude…

I would send one last message

Dear dickhead
Respect towards neighbours works both ways… please do not send me any more nasty messages making demands. They will not be tolerated.

As you are aware, my sons spend every other weekend and half of all school holidays with their father. So when they are at home with me, they will continue to enjoy the garden, as most children do.

We have always tried to be considerate neighbours, and they know not to make noise too early or too late.

We all want to enjoy our gardens and I see no reason why we can’t all continue to do so.

OP

@mrsh1807 your neighbour's second text makes it sound like he is responding to something you have said about the park, did you miss that bit out?

Are you sometimes out when the kids are playing at home? He mentions kids being disrespectful, is it possible he has shouted over to them and they've swore at him or something?

I think you need an honest chat with you kids, especially about the damaged plants etc.

The names that you are not familiar with in the message, could this be other neighbours? Is it possible they have all been talking and complaining amongst themselves?

I think the messages are on the rude side but I don't think they are threatening. He's a fencer, he's not going to sound like a barrister and because you know each other he's let that familiarity get away with him.

If your kids are doing more than you are aware of and all your neighbours are complaining you do need to sort it out rather than some of the replies on here telling you to tell him to fuck off and ignore.

Are you sometimes out when the kids are playing at home? He mentions kids being disrespectful, is it possible he has shouted over to them and they've swore at him or something?

Wondering that too.

Wow, what a rude twat! Who the hell dies he think he is, 'telling not asking' you to do what he wants?! Your boys are doing nothing wrong. Ignore him. If you get any more aggressive messages, I'd send the message suggested by someone upthread, saying you will talk to the police.

If you take @Fairislefandango 's advice and all your neighbours have been getting together to record the damage and noise etc it could backfire on you spectacularly. Gather the facts first.

No texts are missing. That was the entire conversation.

It hadn’t occurred to me that my boys may be being rude - I will follow up on that.

Yes over the years the ball has gone flying over more than once. I’m not saying I think it’s only happened once. But in the 3-4 years they’ve been there this is the first time I’ve been made aware that they’re upset about it. I guess for a first contact I would have hoped for something a little friendlier and more neighbourly in spirit.

So I decided to message the wife earlier. Have said I will not let them play after 8pm and ask them to play in shorter bursts when they’re out there in future.

Ive also asked her to send me a friendly text if she feels it’s getting to much at any time in the future so I can ask them to stop. I think perhaps I have different tolerance levels to their noise maybe after being their mum all these years I just don’t hear it like others may do.

I’ve reiterated I don’t want to fall out and want to support their need for quiet as much as protecting the boys right to play.

Hopefully we will proceed in a more open and cooperative manner from now on 🤞🏼

Thanks everyone. Your comments and challenges and support are much appreciated today 😊