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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband and his secretary

189 replies

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:04

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

OP posts:
summermornings · 21/06/2022 18:08

When people are warning you, there must be something to it

Speak with the secretary- regardless if they are having an affair or not, their personal communications need to stop

Riverlee · 21/06/2022 18:09

Doesn’t sound good!

Are there any signs - ‘working late’, hiding his phone, secretive about phone calls, etc?

Can you get hold of his phone. Maybe put yours on charge, and ask to borrow his to check the weather, traffic, find out who the actor on tv is? (Ie. Anything). His reaction will tell you volumes. Ie. If he’s defensive about his phone etc.

can you access his messages, Facebook, etc from an iPad.

Bank statements - any unusual purchases? New clothes brought suddenly? Etc

Gnusmas · 21/06/2022 18:10

Sorry I found, ig

Gnusmas · 21/06/2022 18:11

Sorry I found it difficult to read without paragraphs but go with your gut instinct would be my advice.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:11

@Riverlee he wouldn’t dare to give his phone to me. He gave an excuse that I try to make scenes out of everything. He is very secretive about everything ( his personality is like that ).

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 18:12

Surely the time to of actually been worried was 12 years ago? When that many people are telling you something it tends to be true.

maybe they did have an affair and maybe it’s now stopped, maybe it stops and starts but to leave it 12 years before bothering to take any notice was silly.

Jedsnewstar · 21/06/2022 18:13

Her behaviour is off, his behaviour is off and everyone is warning you. I think it’s fair to say he is cheating.

10HailMarys · 21/06/2022 18:14

when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ?

It is absolutely not normal.

If it was one-sided, the secretary would have lost her job. People don't get away with pestering their boss for 12 years. The fact that she is still his secretary and behaving like this suggests that they are having an affair.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:14

@OhmygodDont I know it’s very silly of me to never think about it. It was just a year ago, when my manager asked me , I thought let me just check it. The conversations were really very personal. Nothing sexual matters mentioned there but many emotional talks.

OP posts:
FallopianTubeTrain · 21/06/2022 18:16

You read it on threads here all the time, people agonise over whether they should tell someone that their spouse is having an affair. If a number of people are telling you that then I would take the time to listen and see what evidence you can gather to satisfy yourself.

You will never truly know unless he admits it or if you catch them at it but it seems pretty likely to me. Sorry

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:17

@10HailMarys that’s what I am thinking, 15 years of working with him and she’s nearly 40 and unmarried. OMG

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:20

@FallopianTubeTrain question is if he really loved her then why didn’t he married her at the first place ? What are they waiting for ? She handles all his business, emails and he’s pretty much dependent on her for everything. I am so scared !!!!!!!!

OP posts:
nalabae · 21/06/2022 18:23

Believe it he’s cheating

OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 18:25

You need to decide if you can live with her with him by this point.

if they have been having a thing for 12 years right under your nose I doubt it will suddenly stop because you say so. Either she needs to not be his secretary, you split or you accept this life basically.

you might not see any sexual messages because they now message like a married couple of 12 years so it’s the mundane but also emotional intimate messages. I don’t exactly send my dh sexy texts that often after over 15 years but we talk all day everyday.

RaspberryParfait · 21/06/2022 18:40

So they could have been having an affair for 12 years! Through your whole marriage!

Do you work together - you say YOUR manager told you to keep an eye on him?

Does she think it’s one sided then - on the secretary having a thing for him? What was his response to her message about not seeing him for 10 days? Why didn’t you ask the manager to elaborate on what she thinks is going on if she’s like family?

Maybe they had an affair in the early days but it fizzled out and he ended it but she still loves him and wants to be close to him hence staying as his secretary?

Are you still in contact with the people who said they were having an affair after you got married. I’d track them down and find out all they know.

Then take him for all he’s got. He’s stolen 12 years of your life and your marriage is a sham.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:43

@OhmygodDont I know it won’t be easy. One and half years ago when I confronted him, he said she’s working a long time and he can’t just fire her like that and asked me to give him a year. Now it’s been more than a year, she’s still there.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 18:46

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:43

@OhmygodDont I know it won’t be easy. One and half years ago when I confronted him, he said she’s working a long time and he can’t just fire her like that and asked me to give him a year. Now it’s been more than a year, she’s still there.

So you’ve already had part of this conversation. Time to give him a hard deadline that it changed or you walk.

unless your happy to continue like this.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/06/2022 18:52

In my experience, colleagues never say anything to the cheaters wife unless they are fairly certain what's going on.

They don't want yo get involved or don't want to risk their jobs so really don't tend to speak up based on just rumour and gossip.

If your husband had no interest in her or wasn't encouraging of her behaviour, it's very unlikely she would be risking her job. Also if he didn't enjoy it, she would be fine too.

I don't think you can ignore it any longer.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:57

From the messages, I could make out that she’s waiting for him to marry her. She had expressed her wishes of getting married, have kids and have a family but also blaming him that it all ruined because of him.

According to my husband, I did not understand the meaning behind messages and it was not directed towards him. The messages reads, “for a woman to have this kind of life at the age of 38 is not easy, whose dream is always to get married, have kids, taking care of husband and kids, it’s not easy at all “.

Though it’s quite vague as she’s not asking him to marry ! I am confused

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 19:00

I think that’s her way of saying she wants to be the main women not the side women.

why would a women be sending that to her boss otherwise.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:07

The other excerpts of the messages are , “ I don’t know what can I do to bring my life back to track, to have a happy normal life, I really need to talk to someone who can really communicate with me , share my feelings , my pain . Not like I am talking to a stone with no response of reciprocation”

In it’s response my husband said, “we can talk and you must talk to me”.

Then she replies , “if you can’t give me that happiness which normal people would do then let me go, I will not do anything wrong”.

is she emotionally blackmailing him ?

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 19:09

No she’s not blackmailing him. She’s telling him she’s had enough of being the side women. If she can’t have what’s been promised and what she deserves then she wants him to let her go. That she won’t tell anyone anything but let her go if he won’t step up and make her his only women.

HermioneIsMyHomegirl · 21/06/2022 19:10

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it's a duck.

Vallmo47 · 21/06/2022 19:12

Sorry OP but there’s your evidence- he’s cheating and she’s asking him to leave you for her or let her go entirely.

newnamethanks · 21/06/2022 19:13

How do you know? Come on OP, you know already. I'm sorry you've married a pig by mistake, as so many women do, get moving.