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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make my DD play with someone she doesn't want to?

203 replies

prissywakeup · 21/06/2022 15:41

I'm having such problems at the moment with my DD (8 - 9 in October) and friendships. There is a girl on the street who my DD is very friendly with, will call her Rosie. There is another girl on the street that my DD and her friend are really not keen on, will call her Bex.

I have invited Bex over for dinner and to play to try and smooth things over but my DD just doesn't like her. If she comes to the door for my DD she will hide and beg me to lie and say she isn't in. Rosie and my DD play together a lot. They would play on the street or at the park but Bex would turn up and it ended up that Bex would always go home crying because she felt DD and Rosie were leaving her out.

I tried to speak to DD about being kind and how would she feel if she was being excluded etc. I then had Bex mum at my door saying that the girls were being nasty to Bex and hiding from her etc. the mum said to me in future if they don't want to play with her then the girls have just to say they don't want to play with her.

Bex stopped coming for DD since then and everything was fine. However, the past few days Bex has been coming again and my DD just doesn't want to play with her. So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' at which point Bex went back to her house where her mum was standing on the doorstep. Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'

So DD left the park and came and told me. Now the worry is if Rosie comes for her she feels like she can't play with her as it will upset Bex and her parents. DD is actually scared to walk past Bex house on her own now due to them shouting at her s few times.

I really don't know what to do. I am trying to teach my DD boundaries and how to assert them, I think forcing her to play with someone she has been quite clear she doesn't want to play with is going against what I'm teaching. At the same time I totally emphasis with Bex and her parents and how they must be feeling.

When I have asked the girls why they don't want to play with her they have said that she never wants to join in playing what they are playing, always starts crying if she doesn't get her way and they find her annoying.

I'm really not sure what to do, it's at the point I'm thinking of just keeping my DD in but that seems a shame. Any advice? AIBU to not force DD to play with bex?

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/06/2022 16:03

I agree with you don't force her and don't punish her. I would work on phrases or plans that she can use to make it so she stands up for herself.

Whitehorsegirl · 21/06/2022 16:03

I could not read all of this as your post is way too long but I don't see why you should ''force'' your child to play with someone

It is a fact of life that not everyone you come across will be your friend.

It is the other child's parents job to make her feel confident and to explain that not every kid she comes across will wants to play with her and to arrange for her to meet other kids and do activities where she can find new friends. It is not your responsibility.

olympicsrock · 21/06/2022 16:07

Maybe Bex ‘s parents need to work on her social skills. We had to model to DS that he shouldn’t try to change other people’s games. He was also prone to tears as emotionally not very mature.

this is not all your responsibility. Encourage DD to play sometimes perhaps but she shouldn’t have to change her game all the time or always play with this girl

purpleboy · 21/06/2022 16:33

The mum said all the girls had to do was tell bex they didn't want to play with her, so maybe you should go to the mum and tell her why they don't want to play with her. I would also ask her to not encourage her daughter to physically assault your DD.

MeltorFreeze · 21/06/2022 16:55

When I have asked the girls why they don't want to play with her they have said that she never wants to join in playing what they are playing, always starts crying if she doesn't get her way and they find her annoying.

We had this in my DD's class and it turned out it was the way they were saying it to the "Bex". I told my DD it wasn't ok to say "no you can't play with us." That would be excluding her. But she could turn it round and say "we're playing this if you want to join in." Then they aren't excluding Bex and it's Bex's choice if she joins in or not.

Original poster
prissywakeup · 21/06/2022 18:37

Just feel ill with it all as does the other mum as it's causing tension in the street

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 21/06/2022 18:44

I’d do exactly that, keep her in.

Its tricky navigating neighbour friendships, let it calm down.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 21/06/2022 18:55

You’re about to have the summer holiday and it would be awful for your dd and her friend if they were scared to play together, so you need to find some way to sort it.

Until your dd had to hear Bex being instructed to push her by her mother, I would have had a different suggestion, but after that you have no reason to encourage your dd to be nice to her. I’d tell the mother that your aware of her physical threats to your dd through her own and tell her the behaviour her child displays that makes others not want to be friends with her.

IncompleteSenten · 21/06/2022 18:58

Im not surprised they don't want to play with her if she's being raised by someone who wants her to physically push them if they won't obey her! She'll be the same.

Burgoo · 21/06/2022 19:02

Its a tough one.

On one hand she is going to deal with people she doesn't like when she gets older. Work, study, mutual friends... so many places where we have to tolerate disliking but having to work/be with someone else. So it can be a chance to practice dealing with these situations positively.

AND

It shouldn't be torturous. You don't want your childhood memories being of people who treated you badly. Life is too short to waste early years dealing with nonsense from people who you won't ever get on with in the future.

Burgoo · 21/06/2022 19:03

IS she annoying and whiny when she doesn't get her way?

If so it makes sense why they don't want to play w her. Maybe working on reciprocal negotiation may be a good starting point!

JollyAndBright · 21/06/2022 19:14

I would be speaking to Rosie’s parents and suggesting the girls only play together in either of your houses/gardens for the time being.

i would also be going to their house and asking Bex’s mum why she told her child to assault your DD when all she did was explain she wasn’t in the mood to play, exactly as you agreed she would.

Teateaandmoretea · 21/06/2022 19:18

IS she annoying and whiny when she doesn't get her way?.

Arent they all?

The mum sounds an utter nightmare, but I still wouldn’t be happy about them excluding the other girl. The daughter may be the same or she may be being bullied or both.

They all need close supervision for the time being.

We have space for the kids to play out here. The second I didn’t like the sound of it when my two were younger they came in. And this happened a lot - it’s normal kid stuff.

Teateaandmoretea · 21/06/2022 19:19

And also I’d be worried about what the other mother might do/ say in front of the children.

SeemsSoUnfair · 21/06/2022 19:21

If there is only the 3 of them in the street/playing in the park that makes it tough. Thankfully when ds was that age there were lots of kids in the park, he liked some more than others, really disliked some, but they were all very inclusive and learned how to play together. It was a mix of boys and girls and ages too which I think at that age is good.

It is a bit strange the other mum saying to push her for not wanting to play, was your dd maybe blocking some equipment at the park and that is what Bex told her mum? Might be worth finding out from the mum.

Just be aware that as they grow up they do change a lot, and the friendships can change very unexpectedly too, before you know it Rosie and Bex might be best buddies and your dd will be the one coming home in tears after being told to take a hike.

SherbertLemonDrop · 21/06/2022 19:21

We were forced to play with a girl in my class as her mum was the dinner lady and used to go on at us every single day to let her join in. It made us dislike the girl more. We didn't have the same interests.

Rogue1001MNer · 21/06/2022 19:25

MeltorFreeze · 21/06/2022 16:55

When I have asked the girls why they don't want to play with her they have said that she never wants to join in playing what they are playing, always starts crying if she doesn't get her way and they find her annoying.

We had this in my DD's class and it turned out it was the way they were saying it to the "Bex". I told my DD it wasn't ok to say "no you can't play with us." That would be excluding her. But she could turn it round and say "we're playing this if you want to join in." Then they aren't excluding Bex and it's Bex's choice if she joins in or not.

I love this.

But I also agree with @JollyAndBright , in that I would move the play away from the street so Bex doesn't have to see or hear it all the time
Gardens or bedrooms or parks would allow them to play together without rubbing Bex's nose in it. After all, a street is a public place

Threetulips · 21/06/2022 19:25

You let your daughter and Rosie to continue playing together - they enjoy each other’s company. Don’t let the other girl/mum destroy that.

Rosie needs to make her own friend, there must be other kids local?

can they play in the garden?

Grumpusaurus · 21/06/2022 19:26

Please support your DD and her friend in letting them set healthy boundaries. Their reasons for not wanting to play with that girl are very valid, even more so after witnessing her mother's shitty behaviour. Yes, we will have to tolerate people we do not like in all walks of life, like school, college and work. But we are not obliged to spend personal leisure time with people we do not like!

Original poster
prissywakeup · 21/06/2022 19:28

Unfortunately there is only the 3 of them on the street. I don't believe my child is an angel but I couldn't see her blocking equipment on purpose. They do play in garden/house but Bex will come and knock looking for them and it's just very uncomfortable saying they are playing and you can't join in

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 21/06/2022 19:29

olympicsrock · 21/06/2022 16:07

Maybe Bex ‘s parents need to work on her social skills. We had to model to DS that he shouldn’t try to change other people’s games. He was also prone to tears as emotionally not very mature.

this is not all your responsibility. Encourage DD to play sometimes perhaps but she shouldn’t have to change her game all the time or always play with this girl

How long did it take your son to out grow this? My 4 year old is the same and this thread is filling me with dread as he already gets left out sometimes. He tells me before he goes out he will just join in with their game but then forgets after a while.

HappyDays40 · 21/06/2022 19:32

Oh OP I feel your pain it's so hard but children shouldn't be made to play together if they aren't keen on each other. I'm all for life lessons but they are kids. They have years to negotiate adult relationships and to be honest as and adult I don't go out of my way to spend time with people I'm not keen on.
We just have to accept that we are all different. My friends son who I look after finds friendship difficult, wants to play with my son's toys and can't cope with sharing his own. Good luck OP

carefullycourageous · 21/06/2022 19:32

There are two issues - how you help your child and how you resolve the neighbour issues.

None of this needs to be your daughter's issue so sort that side out from now - you do not have your daughter out on the street and you answer the door to deal with the child. You daughter never has to deal with this person from now on.

Regarding the adult - ignore them. You are a grown woman and unless they get criminal all you need to do is ignore.

MeltorFreeze · 21/06/2022 19:37

but Bex will come and knock looking for them and it's just very uncomfortable saying they are playing and you can't join in
If they're inside then you say "sorry, not today, we have visitors."

carefullycourageous · 21/06/2022 19:41

MeltorFreeze · 21/06/2022 19:37

but Bex will come and knock looking for them and it's just very uncomfortable saying they are playing and you can't join in
If they're inside then you say "sorry, not today, we have visitors."

Or just 'sorry, we can't today'.