To not make my DD play with someone she doesn't want to?

[prissywakeup]

I'm having such problems at the moment with my DD (8 - 9 in October) and friendships. There is a girl on the street who my DD is very friendly with, will call her Rosie. There is another girl on the street that my DD and her friend are really not keen on, will call her Bex.

I have invited Bex over for dinner and to play to try and smooth things over but my DD just doesn't like her. If she comes to the door for my DD she will hide and beg me to lie and say she isn't in. Rosie and my DD play together a lot. They would play on the street or at the park but Bex would turn up and it ended up that Bex would always go home crying because she felt DD and Rosie were leaving her out.

I tried to speak to DD about being kind and how would she feel if she was being excluded etc. I then had Bex mum at my door saying that the girls were being nasty to Bex and hiding from her etc. the mum said to me in future if they don't want to play with her then the girls have just to say they don't want to play with her.

Bex stopped coming for DD since then and everything was fine. However, the past few days Bex has been coming again and my DD just doesn't want to play with her. So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' at which point Bex went back to her house where her mum was standing on the doorstep. Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'

So DD left the park and came and told me. Now the worry is if Rosie comes for her she feels like she can't play with her as it will upset Bex and her parents. DD is actually scared to walk past Bex house on her own now due to them shouting at her s few times.

I really don't know what to do. I am trying to teach my DD boundaries and how to assert them, I think forcing her to play with someone she has been quite clear she doesn't want to play with is going against what I'm teaching. At the same time I totally emphasis with Bex and her parents and how they must be feeling.

When I have asked the girls why they don't want to play with her they have said that she never wants to join in playing what they are playing, always starts crying if she doesn't get her way and they find her annoying.

I'm really not sure what to do, it's at the point I'm thinking of just keeping my DD in but that seems a shame. Any advice? AIBU to not force DD to play with bex?

@MichelleScarn A pp mentioned it in their post up thread, it’s there for you to read. Is it unkind to present an alternative scenario?

Nobody likes to think their child might be unkind, but bullies are all someone’s children, are they not?

You shouldn't be forcing your child to play or not play with anyone...think how you would feel if you were 'forced' to go to the cinema or out for lunch with someone you really disliked.Bex's mum sounds like a bully and I'm wondering if Bex is sadly becoming one also.Your daughter sounds genuinely scared of the pair of them.And I don't think that excluding or avoiding Bex is her not being nice, as ultimately if children are unkind to their peers then they won't want to play with them, and why should they.Whilst this is sad for the child in question as their behaviour is often no fault of their own but more a result of a difficult life, I don't think its upto other children to have to pick up the pieces from that and be made to play with someone they are treated badly by just to 'people please' xx

They might be, but they still wouldn’t mean other children, who they don’t get on with, should be obliged to play with them in their own private time. Instead of trying to force the issue, which is only escalating the problems, maybe Bex’s mother needs to look for other solutions that don’t involve trying to bully children into accommodating her daughter.

OP’s daughter is clearly distressed about this situation, is hiding when Bex knocks on the doors for her, and is scared to walk past the house. Is that ‘kind’? Is it ‘kind’ to swear and shout at children and encourage assault?

Some personalities just don’t gel for whatever reason, and forcing it only results in resentment.

If Bex was my granddaughter I’d be telling her she’s too good to play with the stuck up mean girls on her street.

Oh would you? Rather than teach your granddaughter some social skills? There's a reason the girls don't want to play with Bex. If they are forced to then how do parents even begin to teach boundaries

Stuck up mean girls? Only ones parent is swearing and inciting violence and it anit Rosie or ops dd.

three girls is hard and if bex is a my game and only my way and then cry’s about it that’s why she’s being excluded not because the others are mean but because they are fed up of her always having to have everything her way as and when she wants it.

let your dad and Rosie play in your house/garden and Rosie’s keep them off the street park for a bit. If you make them play with her they will hate her more.

OP’s daughter is clearly distressed about this situation

Kids often do get distressed when they know they've been unkind.

Honestly, a private play date at home is different but playing out in the street and never letting one child ever join in? That's rubbing another kids face in it.

It really is no wonder so many children are unhappy at school/struggle to make friends when this really selfish attitude prevails.

People change all the time. My DD used to think she didnt really like playing with the younger sibling of DS friend, but now they get along really nicely. All that happened was just regular exposure through older sibling friendship and its amazing how they see past their differences now and are more comfortable playing together.

Would you also be yelling "I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'"

Happens on my road a lot but it chops and changes. My daughter would often come home saying mary and ellie are in the house/back garden and wont let me in, their parents don't get involved and neither do i, i wouldn't embarrass myself calling down to them, but maybe its her first child? I have four so used to drama all the time. i just tell her to come in and play herself or i bring her to the park where there are other kids for her to mix with Why dont you just let the two of them play out your back garden or in the house, or if you have time bring them off somewhere, and if the child knocks, just let your child go out and say im not coming out...that way you aren't involved....if i have learned anything living on a road with kids its unless there is blood shed don't get involved, but do teach your own child to be kind and considerate. Every child goes through this and its up to the parents to manage it. Also if it was happening a lot, why doesn't her mother organise her own play datefor her child ? probably easier just to throw her out of the house and then she doesn't have to worry about it. Its not your problem. I have been on both sides of the fence.

@AllHailKingLouis lovely attitude, maybe ask Bex is she playing nice? Or suggest to Bex to get other friends? Maybe bring Bex to playground so she cam play with the kids there? Maybe ask some of Bex friends from school to come and play with her? Maybe have a nice friendly chat with the other girls mams and not tell Bex to stick up for herself and push her???? But no, easier to blame the "stuck up mean girls".......

They also get distressed when they’re being bullied into spending time with someone they dislike. And when the parent of said child is shouting and swearing at them in the street and encouraging violence. I don’t think the latter really encourages happy children.

People do change, but it’s not guaranteed. Instead of forcing it and creating more issues it’s better to let it happen organically, if it happens at all.

No but I’d probably be thinking it (the stand up for yourself, not the pushing part obviously).

I can’t believe so many people on this thread think it’s absolutely fine to exclude one child. I dare say the attitudes would be different if your kids were Bex.

Or the former, actually. I suppose the only person whose happiness matters in Bex? Do you think she’s actually going to be happy playing with people who are only doing it because they’ve been forced to? Do you think that won’t be apparent to her?

Hmm, did you witness Bex’s mum shouting or is that what your daughter told you? If so I would take with a large pinch of salt. Kids of that age who are being mean are also quite good at playing the victim ime.

I don’t think it’s ok the exclude the only other child in the street when playing in public, although it would be fine in your own house. I teach my children to be inclusive but not doormats - so anyone can join in but they don’t get to dictate and they have to behave reasonably. Bex sounds tricky but what child wouldn’t be after being excluded in this way? She must be really hurting.

Friendships in adults are exclusive, why the surprise that they’re the same for children? Some people you gel better with and form a close bond with. When I spend time with my best friend I’m not obliged to include anyone and everyone, any more than you are when you choose to spend time with yours. Yet it’s a problem when kids do it.

This is the DD’s own personal time, she’s entitled to want to spend it with people of her choosing.

it would be kinder to all of them for Bex’s mother to stop trying to force it and put the effort into finding alternatives for Bex, because what she’s doing now is clearly unpleasant for everyone.

i think most parents have a bex at one stage or another, ive had bex many a time but i stand over what i say, its up to me to sort out bex and not hassling other parents and encouraging my child to shout at her, wont get you anywhere. They are kids, and kds are mean, all kids, this is blow over but i wouldn't get involved. Id take bex out myself and not leave it up to her to find friends...ive been there and done it.

I can’t believe so many people on this thread think it’s absolutely fine to exclude one child.

Put it another way, is it reasonable to expect someone to join in your social circle just because they happen to live nearby? Should i be bullied and assulted just because I invite Neighbour A to play bridge, but not Neighbour B who i have little in common with and don't much like? No? Well, why do we think it's ok to "force" these relationships with small children? It teaches entirely the wrong thing about setting healthy boundaries - and often it's mostly aimed at girls. Girls are being "mean" and "unkind" if they don't include everyone in everything - it sets them up for a lifetime of people pleasing, to their own deteriment.

Nothing in the OP suggested that they have been mean, just that they want to play with kids who they like. And for that, physical assault was recommended by the other kid's parent!

In no way would i support them playing as a 3 in future. the problem here is the other child's mother who thinks she has a right to force friendships between her child and other people. she's a bully.

I’ve also been a Bex. When I went complaining to my mother she told me that while it was unfortunate I needed to leave them alone and concentrate on finding my own tribe. She didn’t encourage me to think I was entitled to force my presence on people who didn’t want it, and she didn’t stand on the doorstep shouting and swearing at children. That was infinitely more valuable to my social development than continuing to force myself on people who were in turn forced to tolerate me.

All the parental manipulations in the world can’t make people get on who don’t.

I recall years ago going through this with my eldest. Just had to say sorry we are busy, or going out shortly etc.

@AllHailKingLouis when you say you would be thinking, 'stand up for yourself', what do you suggest that looks like? If the girls aren't being mean to her but simply saying that they don't want to play with her (which Bex's mum told them to say) then what would standing up for herself look like? Forcing ops daughter and Rosie to play? Shouting at them?

Bex is 8yo and she doesn’t stand a chance. Her DM shouts and swears from the doorstep and encourages pushing to get her own way or punish others. Poor kid doesn’t have decent social skills modelled at home so struggles to adapt with her peers.

Id be having a chat with my DD to make sure she understood Bexs position and see if she was in any way open to trying to make something work. If not, fair enough. She is also looking only 8 and Bex is not her problem to solve. But I would want her to appreciate the wider picture and empathise with Bex instead of just being annoyed with her.

The other mum already told you what to do. Just say I'm sorry but she doesn't want to play today. Ignore any futher door visits. Teach the girls manners, so to say hi, make small chat then make an excuse to leave e.g. gotta go dinners ready/mums calling etc. Do not force them to all play together.

How long has it been going on? it seems odd she has not taken the hint.

Girls are being "mean" and "unkind" if they don't include everyone in everything

No, they are being mean if they target one girl and include her in nothing.

If these girls are playing out in the street regularly, is there never a time when they might play a bigger game that lends itself to including more kids?

The problem is there because they've decided on a fixed mindset that Bex is never allowed to play. Ever.

It's so nasty.

They're not targeting her..
They Want to play together.

They are not obligated to her. She needs to find her own friends