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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make my DD play with someone she doesn't want to?

203 replies

prissywakeup · 21/06/2022 15:41

I'm having such problems at the moment with my DD (8 - 9 in October) and friendships. There is a girl on the street who my DD is very friendly with, will call her Rosie. There is another girl on the street that my DD and her friend are really not keen on, will call her Bex.

I have invited Bex over for dinner and to play to try and smooth things over but my DD just doesn't like her. If she comes to the door for my DD she will hide and beg me to lie and say she isn't in. Rosie and my DD play together a lot. They would play on the street or at the park but Bex would turn up and it ended up that Bex would always go home crying because she felt DD and Rosie were leaving her out.

I tried to speak to DD about being kind and how would she feel if she was being excluded etc. I then had Bex mum at my door saying that the girls were being nasty to Bex and hiding from her etc. the mum said to me in future if they don't want to play with her then the girls have just to say they don't want to play with her.

Bex stopped coming for DD since then and everything was fine. However, the past few days Bex has been coming again and my DD just doesn't want to play with her. So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' at which point Bex went back to her house where her mum was standing on the doorstep. Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'

So DD left the park and came and told me. Now the worry is if Rosie comes for her she feels like she can't play with her as it will upset Bex and her parents. DD is actually scared to walk past Bex house on her own now due to them shouting at her s few times.

I really don't know what to do. I am trying to teach my DD boundaries and how to assert them, I think forcing her to play with someone she has been quite clear she doesn't want to play with is going against what I'm teaching. At the same time I totally emphasis with Bex and her parents and how they must be feeling.

When I have asked the girls why they don't want to play with her they have said that she never wants to join in playing what they are playing, always starts crying if she doesn't get her way and they find her annoying.

I'm really not sure what to do, it's at the point I'm thinking of just keeping my DD in but that seems a shame. Any advice? AIBU to not force DD to play with bex?

OP posts:
stepuporshutup · 21/06/2022 19:41

So you feel uncomfortable saying they are playing to bex when she calls for them

But you didn't care how uncomfortable your daughter felt when you invited bex into her safe place which is her home?

Teateaandmoretea · 21/06/2022 19:42

@carefullycourageous is right.

Tbh the mum is also to blame letting her daughter constantly knock. But she doesn’t sound particularly rational. If Bex was my daughter I’d keep her away from people who weren’t nice to her. And try and set up some play dates with people she got on with instead.

SheWoreYellow · 21/06/2022 19:46

I would try and mention kindly to the mum that they don’t really get on all together.

Oceanus · 21/06/2022 19:50

Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'
If the mother's like this, I wonder what Bex is like...

DD is actually scared to walk past Bex house on her own now due to them shouting at her s few times.
Who's them? The mother and the kid? Does the mother shout at your kid too?
Under normal circumstances I think you should give her a gentle push to play with a friendless child but if Bex's mother is like this, I wouldn't want my DD in her house and I wouldn't my kid to hang out with this other kid either. Bex's mother isn't right in the head.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/06/2022 19:55

Teateaandmoretea · 21/06/2022 19:18

IS she annoying and whiny when she doesn't get her way?.

Arent they all?

The mum sounds an utter nightmare, but I still wouldn’t be happy about them excluding the other girl. The daughter may be the same or she may be being bullied or both.

They all need close supervision for the time being.

We have space for the kids to play out here. The second I didn’t like the sound of it when my two were younger they came in. And this happened a lot - it’s normal kid stuff.

Why? They absolutly can exclude her. She happens to live by them so why does that obligate them to have to socialise with her?

PineForestsAndSunshine · 21/06/2022 20:07

It's such a nightmare trying to work out the best way to deal with situations like these.

My DD is a bit older, but we've always gone with a version of 'you can chose who you play with, but you must be honest and kind about it'. So by all means don't play with Bex, but don't be mean about it. Don't whisper, giggle, run away, etc. Don't rub it in her face. "I'm sorry, we're playing a game together at the moment, but see you at school tomorrow". And consider relocating to a garden or bedroom for a while as the etiquette for public spaces is different to private ones.

My DD has been both Bex and the OP's DD at different times. It's not easy.

AllHailKingLouis · 21/06/2022 20:19

Poor Bex. Hopefully she’ll find her people later on in life.

olympicsrock · 21/06/2022 20:49

@MsChatterbox DS is finishing year 2. I would say that he only really learned to try not to change others games this year . He’s young for the year.
The funny thing was that it was our older son who was the most helpful in role playing how to play nicely in the playground and teach him.
In year 1 we asked his teacher to do some coaching for all the class on how to play together nicely in the playground . They did some role play etc. some children find it easier than others.

LuaDipa · 21/06/2022 20:50

I’d speak to Rosie’s mum and arrange for Rosie and your dd to play inside from now on.

I’d also speak to Bex’s mum and tell her to stop shouting at 8 year old children.

TowerRavenSeven · 21/06/2022 20:53

Our rule was at school you play with everyone, at home you can play with who you like.

MsChatterbox · 21/06/2022 21:01

@olympicsrock ok great thank you!

Teateaandmoretea · 22/06/2022 07:55

Why? They absolutly can exclude her. She happens to live by them so why does that obligate them to have to socialise with her?

I didn’t say they did. But if you are outside in a public space you can’t keep running away etc. That is bullying, whether you like it or not.

lollipoprainbow · 22/06/2022 08:05

My dd is a Bex it's heartbreaking.

MrsWarboyss · 22/06/2022 08:14

Have you actually heard them all playing? Are you sure your DD and Rosie aren't nasty to Bex? If she goes home crying when they play then your DD and Rosie must be saying/doing something to upset her.

MrsWarboyss · 22/06/2022 08:25

@lollipoprainbow my DD was when she was younger, too. I agree, it's truly heartbreaking. And it's even more heartbreaking when other girls' parents all backed up their DDs excluding her.

MichelleScarn · 22/06/2022 08:27

Teateaandmoretea · 22/06/2022 07:55

Why? They absolutly can exclude her. She happens to live by them so why does that obligate them to have to socialise with her?

I didn’t say they did. But if you are outside in a public space you can’t keep running away etc. That is bullying, whether you like it or not.

Why is it bullying if they are removing themselves from someone who they don't want to spend time with?
Perhaps if they approach her, taunt and run away. But this is all back on the #bekiiiind that only ever seems to land on girls.
You don't want to play that game? Tough you need to.
She's mean and spoils things? Tough, do what she wants?

Fushiadreams · 22/06/2022 08:30

I think you need to go and speak to th other mum, it feels like the two of you are pretty much let these kids deal with it. And that’s not ok.

just go and ask the mum to have coffee, so you can sort it. You’re going to have to explain that the kids don’t want to play with her kid.

what I am not hearing though is anything about Rosie’s parents. And of Rosie would play with bex.

AllHailKingLouis · 22/06/2022 08:32

lollipoprainbow · 22/06/2022 08:05

My dd is a Bex it's heartbreaking.

I was Bex. It was awful at the time seeing all the girls running away from me like I was a piece of shit when all I wanted was to be play same as everyone else.

it took me until I was in my 30s to realise that they did me a favour and taught me to enjoy my own company and be myself. Horrible kids.

stillherenow · 22/06/2022 08:33

They play inside and if Bex comes to the door just say sorry they can't today.
On the street they have to let her join in imo, anything else is just mean. If they don't want her to then they need to play in a private space.

sunflowerandivy · 22/06/2022 08:34

The other mum needs to tell her daughter to try & stop playing with your daughter & friend.

Fushiadreams · 22/06/2022 08:35

Yeah I’m thinking about it now. If the three girls all live close is bex going to Rosie’s house? Is she only coming to yours when she knows Rosie is there?

I think you need to be sure your daughter isn’t the instigator of this and Rosie just going with it.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 22/06/2022 10:12

Teateaandmoretea · 22/06/2022 07:55

Why? They absolutly can exclude her. She happens to live by them so why does that obligate them to have to socialise with her?

I didn’t say they did. But if you are outside in a public space you can’t keep running away etc. That is bullying, whether you like it or not.

No it's not and yes they can. Public place does not entitle this child to their play time. They don't want to play with her. They don't have to. I would give them the social tools to make that very clear and help them enforce the boundaries

And if the mother doesn't shut her mouth I would then get involved and tell the child myself

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 22/06/2022 10:14

MrsWarboyss · 22/06/2022 08:25

@lollipoprainbow my DD was when she was younger, too. I agree, it's truly heartbreaking. And it's even more heartbreaking when other girls' parents all backed up their DDs excluding her.

Why do you believe little girls should be forced to interact and play with people they don't want to? Surely it was your job to find friends who did

picklemewalnuts · 22/06/2022 10:17

I think playing out in public should be reasonably inclusive. It's hard to see two children playing in the street, ignoring a third. Ditto in the park. I'd say, in public you adjust the game to let more people join in.

At home, and in your own garden, absolutely play as they wish and no need to invite the other child.

InChocolateWeTrust · 22/06/2022 10:42

they were saying it to the "Bex". I told my DD it wasn't ok to say "no you can't play with us." That would be excluding her. But she could turn it round and say "we're playing this if you want to join in." Then they aren't excluding Bex and it's Bex's choice if she joins in or not.

This

But be really careful. Girls of 8/9 can be really quite mean as they are trying to avoid being left out themselves, and can really exclude peers who have genuinely done nothing to deserve it. It's really unkind to the child who is never included, who then often becomes more "unlikeable" as feeling left out can make then sulky or upset. Are your DD & rosie thinking about how Bex is feeling and whether they are being kind?

Mums of bullies never think it's their child being unkind.