To not make my DD play with someone she doesn't want to?

[prissywakeup]

I'm having such problems at the moment with my DD (8 - 9 in October) and friendships. There is a girl on the street who my DD is very friendly with, will call her Rosie. There is another girl on the street that my DD and her friend are really not keen on, will call her Bex.

I have invited Bex over for dinner and to play to try and smooth things over but my DD just doesn't like her. If she comes to the door for my DD she will hide and beg me to lie and say she isn't in. Rosie and my DD play together a lot. They would play on the street or at the park but Bex would turn up and it ended up that Bex would always go home crying because she felt DD and Rosie were leaving her out.

I tried to speak to DD about being kind and how would she feel if she was being excluded etc. I then had Bex mum at my door saying that the girls were being nasty to Bex and hiding from her etc. the mum said to me in future if they don't want to play with her then the girls have just to say they don't want to play with her.

Bex stopped coming for DD since then and everything was fine. However, the past few days Bex has been coming again and my DD just doesn't want to play with her. So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' at which point Bex went back to her house where her mum was standing on the doorstep. Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'

So DD left the park and came and told me. Now the worry is if Rosie comes for her she feels like she can't play with her as it will upset Bex and her parents. DD is actually scared to walk past Bex house on her own now due to them shouting at her s few times.

I really don't know what to do. I am trying to teach my DD boundaries and how to assert them, I think forcing her to play with someone she has been quite clear she doesn't want to play with is going against what I'm teaching. At the same time I totally emphasis with Bex and her parents and how they must be feeling.

When I have asked the girls why they don't want to play with her they have said that she never wants to join in playing what they are playing, always starts crying if she doesn't get her way and they find her annoying.

I'm really not sure what to do, it's at the point I'm thinking of just keeping my DD in but that seems a shame. Any advice? AIBU to not force DD to play with bex?

So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' at which point Bex went back to her house where her mum was standing on the doorstep. Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'

After that one I’d be speaking to the other parent and telling them that one more incident of that abd my DD will be banned from playing with theirs - any parent that encourages getting physical when a child politely says they don’t want to play isn’t one I want any of my my kids near.

Beyond that I’d reiterate to get that if my DD is playing a game and Bex wants to join I’ll encourage that. However, if my DD is playing a game and Bex wants to play something else then mine is not obliged to stop her game to do Bex’s.

Hopefully it’ll get better. There’s a kid in my street that sounds a bit like Bex, sadly she’s now 15 and none of the kids like her at all. She never wanted to play the game they were playing, always demanded the game of her choice and stropped of it didn’t happen. They all got sick of it and stopped wanting to play with her. Thankfully her mum was alright and realised the issue was her DD.

It’s laziness when instead of looking at other options she’s continuing to try and force it with two people who have already made their feelings known.

All she’s doing is encouraging Bex to repeatedly get her feelings hurt and making the situation bigger than it needs to be.

and yes, when Bex is the one that keeps trying to force her presence on people who don’t want to play with her, she needs to change. Generally, ‘ignoring someone else’s wishes and forcing your wants onto someone until they submit’ is quite a problematic mindset in both children and the adults they become.

And while Bex’s mother may be upset about the situation, that isn’t an excuse to shout, swear, and instruct her kid to get physical with OP’s. If that’s the type of shit Bex is being taught it’s no fucking wonder they don’t want to play with her.

I had a similar issue. DD kept coming home upset about a particular girl. The lass was undergoing testing for autism so when there were issues between her and DD I would remind DD that some situations her friend might find more difficult and she should be a bit more mindful before getting upset. I actively encouraged her to be a good friend. The one day I found her crying and essentially when DD was with her friend if she didn’t do what she was told she would be informed by her friend that she wasn’t a good friend and she only shouted because of her autism. I’m ashamed to say I shrugged that off because I knew that DD has her moments too. Then I witnessed an incident face to face. The mum of said child had just commented on how patient DD was with her daughter when we heard screaming. DD was backing up crying whilst her friend advanced on her screaming in her face, her mums response was oh just walk away, don’t worry about it. DD told me she didn’t want to be a bad friend but she didn’t like the way she was treated and it happened a lot. So I started to arrange more at my house where it became apparent that it was an issue. Whilst I hate the idea of ‘exclusion’ I do think that any child who has an issue should be listened to and no one should feel they have to play with someone else.

I can’t believe the amount of people who believe it’s ok for two children to be playing in the street/park and the third who has no one else on the street to play with should be told to stay away and not approach them to ask to play! She is 8 and just wants some friends. Her mum can’t take her out all the time and it’s not like she can go visit people alone.

as for Bex mum. No one knows what she is like you have the words of an 8 year old. The child obviously isn’t with an adult at the times these are happening so no one has any idea how the other two girls are treating bex when she approaches them. The world would be a nicer place of people were just a bit more tolerant of each other and their differences.

On the one hand we’re all told to “be kind” and include everyone no matter what difficulties they have. But on the other hand the most you can expect is for the person to be politely tolerated on an occasional basis. You can’t make someone be real friends with someone else, child or adult.

Bex sounds like she unfortunately has issues which mean the other kids don’t want to be her friends. I say this as an autistic person who nobody has ever wanted to be friends with. From an early age I understood that there was no point in adults forcing other kids to tolerate me, because that’s all it would ever be. Nobody could make others want to be my real friend. It would just be awkward and forced and painful, and I knew full well the others were being forced and I wasn’t liked or wanted. Bex’s mum would be better off taking her daughter to different clubs etc in the hope she’d meet a real friend.

as for Bex mum. No one knows what she is like you have the words of an 8 year old

I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'

I think we know exactly what’s she’s like and I’m all for being kind but I won’t have my children a voided by an adult. Why would I put them in that position?

The mum sounda like a nightmare. I would go NC with the mum and not discuss as she does not seem the type to be reasonable. I would just keep repeating sorry she is busy if the kid knocks. Definiitely an uncomfrtable situation.

Everybody's talking about how important it is for a child to learn empathy but tbh, this day and age, I think it's more essential for a kid to understand they should remove themselves for situations where they don't feel comfortable. If they feel sth or sb's off, they should follow their gut and get out every. single. time. without further ado and without trying to make it change for the better.
For an 8 y.o. to fear going past an adult's house that means sth and it's not to be taken lightely. Sorry, I'm with the OP's kid on this.
If this kid is forced to play with Bex just because of the mother, she's going to grow up thinking she's supposed to obbey those who are older, not because they're right, but purely because they're older. She shouldn't have to be forced to do anything. Both kids have free wil and that too should be encouraged. Empathy's important but wanting to have a say in what you do/say/feel is an important skill to have imho.

Can't believe how trusting people on this thread are that the two girls aren't being unkind to Bex. You've clearly never been around 8/9 year olds, between whom this sort of power play is incredibly common and often for literally no reason at all. This year our school have had to do loads of PSHE because some of the girls just really enjoy singling out others and excluding them because it makes them feel like the queen bee.... And sadly, some their parents are completely oblivious!
People saying Bex needs to find her 'tribe' or her mum needs to take her out etc... There are 3 children on the street, her mum can hardly move house in the hope a different street of children will work out better!

These kids are actively avoiding Bex, one of them doesn't even feel safe going past her house and you think that's normal?! They don't want to be with her, how is that being mean? Mean would be for them to be forced to be with her and then say mean things to Bex or just plain ignore her when "pretending to play together". They don't want to be with her (period). Is that such a terrible thing? Isn't it worse for Bex to have a DM who insists her child should force others to be with her?

It doesn't matter if they are unkind
They don't want to play with her. They are not seeking her out so are not bullying her. She is pushing in and inserting herself into them.

They have the authority to decide who they play with outside of school. The absolute worst thing to do if they are unkind is force them to be with someone they actively don't wish to be around.

Regardless of there not being any other children it is still not their responsibility to entertain her

It is a tricky situation to manage. The rule for my dc is that if they are in a share space (school playground, the green outside our house) then they need to include others, but if in a private space they can choose who to invite in.

I'd approach Bex's mother to say you want to clear the air. Say you don't want the girls to be unkind, but that you have also heard that she was shouting at them and encouraging her daughter to push yours. Then I'd leave a space to see what she says. I would directly ask her to stop Bex knocking at your door as the girls aren't getting along at the moment. If she admits to telling her daughter to push yours, then you need to say that you think it is totally unacceptable. If it get heated then suggest you keep the dc apart for now as they don't seem to be getting along.

I would also tell the school that Bex's mother was encouraging Bex to push your dc and ask for them to keep an eye on this.

The advice from a pp about coaching the dc to say "we are playing x if you want to join in" is good.

Your daughter can be polite, kind and friendly to this girl - but she doesn’t have to be friends with her. Please don’t force her to have a play date with some she doesn’t like. She just needs to treat this girl with respect and manners when she sees her.

Actually have been that child that child that tried to force friendship on kids who weren’t mean to me, but clearly didn’t want to provide the friendship I expected and felt entitled to. It happens. Had they been bullies I’d have been staying away from them, not trying to engage them like I was.

The best thing my mother did for me was to tell me to stop what I was doing, and to find people who actually wanted to be my friend. It also helped teach me to respect when people say ‘no’, and that wanting something does not mean I’m entitled to it.

No, but she can encourage her to entertain herself, and take her to different clubs to mix with new people.

if she can’t/won’t do these things that still doesn’t mean that these two kids are obliged to spend their personal play time with someone they don’t want to.

^posted too soon

“So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' “

Well there’s a tale there. Your had a bad day and didn’t feel like playing. Fair enough.
What was she doing in the park though - meditating?!

Mine are teens now, but I’ve seen this first hand, how these “innocent” children exclude another. Mine have been at fault too. Saying no with obviously made up excuses - and often giggling about it. Or running away “hiding” as here. I can well imagine Bex saw right through the lie of a girl who didn’t feel like playing - but who was in the park. Bex’s mother was right first time - cut the crap and say no.

Maybe she wanted to play alone? Climb around and enjoy the swings.

Once again its not her job to entertain this child.

The problem with ‘be kind’ is that it’s a mindless throwaway hashtag that is paid lip service to whilst simultaneously being treated as a dogma to wield against other people, meaning ‘give me what I want or you’re mean’. While some may tell it to their sons it’s almost exclusively aimed at women too, because god forbid a woman ever asset and prioritise herself. Being ‘mean’ (assertive and confident when men do it, usually) obviously being the worst thing a woman could ever be.

As a slogan it completely lacks context and any sense of the nuance that is present in most situations involving human beings. What happens when being kind to someone means being unkind to someone else? What about when being kind fucks you over, or your kids? I guess just keep relegating your own needs and theirs, no matter the cost and what it teaches in regards to valuing self.

@Testina
*“So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' “

Well there’s a tale there. Your had a bad day and didn’t feel like playing. Fair enough.
What was she doing in the park though - meditating?!*

So you're saying the dd can't be in the park and choose her own activity or who she wants to spend time with? If she wants some quiet time she can't be in the park?

I as an adult quite like swings still as a peaceful escape. I don’t because I’m not going to be the weird lady in the park on the swings alone. But I do take advantage to go on them when there with the children while they play on something else.

I’m clearly not saying that but go ahead with quoting half a post if you like 🙄

My post was about the obviously not genuine excuses that kids can come out with - and my mine have been on both ends of that, so no naïvety here.

This girl doesn’t have to play with Bex whatever the circumstance. But don’t blame Bex for being hurt if (and it is if, we don’t know what she was doing) if the OP’s daughter is all, “oh no, I had such a bad day, I don’t want to play” and then promptly runs off into the bushes giggling with Rosie.

Phone the Police if an adult is swearing at your child

Nobody swore at OP’s child.
The adult swore to (not at) her own child:

“So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' at which point Bex went back to her house where her mum was standing on the doorstep. Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!' “

Presumably Bex’s mum’s house looks like out onto the park.