To not make my DD play with someone she doesn't want to?

[prissywakeup]

I'm having such problems at the moment with my DD (8 - 9 in October) and friendships. There is a girl on the street who my DD is very friendly with, will call her Rosie. There is another girl on the street that my DD and her friend are really not keen on, will call her Bex.

I have invited Bex over for dinner and to play to try and smooth things over but my DD just doesn't like her. If she comes to the door for my DD she will hide and beg me to lie and say she isn't in. Rosie and my DD play together a lot. They would play on the street or at the park but Bex would turn up and it ended up that Bex would always go home crying because she felt DD and Rosie were leaving her out.

I tried to speak to DD about being kind and how would she feel if she was being excluded etc. I then had Bex mum at my door saying that the girls were being nasty to Bex and hiding from her etc. the mum said to me in future if they don't want to play with her then the girls have just to say they don't want to play with her.

Bex stopped coming for DD since then and everything was fine. However, the past few days Bex has been coming again and my DD just doesn't want to play with her. So after school DD was at the park and Bex came over to her. DD said, 'I've had a bad day at school today so I don't really feel like playing' at which point Bex went back to her house where her mum was standing on the doorstep. Her mum shouted, 'I'm fucking sick of them! Stand up for yourself Bex, push her!'

So DD left the park and came and told me. Now the worry is if Rosie comes for her she feels like she can't play with her as it will upset Bex and her parents. DD is actually scared to walk past Bex house on her own now due to them shouting at her s few times.

I really don't know what to do. I am trying to teach my DD boundaries and how to assert them, I think forcing her to play with someone she has been quite clear she doesn't want to play with is going against what I'm teaching. At the same time I totally emphasis with Bex and her parents and how they must be feeling.

When I have asked the girls why they don't want to play with her they have said that she never wants to join in playing what they are playing, always starts crying if she doesn't get her way and they find her annoying.

I'm really not sure what to do, it's at the point I'm thinking of just keeping my DD in but that seems a shame. Any advice? AIBU to not force DD to play with bex?

There aren’t any other children her age there.

It’s “interesting” to see the selfish and cold ways so many people think on mumsnet. Forget wars and plagues and dictators…probably most human misery is caused by having these sorts of people as neighbours, classmates, colleagues, parents, teachers etc etc

That's not their problem they aren't her babysitters.
Her mum can branch out and socialise her.

It's not selfish and cold. It's seeing the alternate view of the other girls.

those that think she should be included as there is only three children on the street. What if ops dd and Rosie where siblings should they then still be forced to play with this other child who they don’t get along with just because they are the only children on the street?

Its this same nonsense where everything expects to make mummy friends. The only thing you have in common is being pregnant at the same time. Just like these girls have in common is being around the same age and living in the same street that’s all by the sounds of it.

And it’s not selfish to force your child on people who clearly don’t want to play with her? It’s not creating more unhappiness for all of them?

One thing forced socialisation is not doing is reducing human misery. If that’s your end goal it requires a differently approach entirely.

Different*

I agree with fairycakes1234 that these things are common, can be in flux, and I have my kids tell others if they're not going to play themselves by that age (though sometimes I'll stand in earshot if it's someone they've been arguing with recently. I have told kids more than once that it's rude to come knocking to yell at someone).

There is a lot of this that we adults don't know, but generally, I tell my kids to spend more of their energy on those who leave them feeling good and less on those who leave them feeling bad, and to be mindful that that can change (though the latter is particularly in school as one of mine had a phase of being very rigid of who was good and who was bad, and more was getting added to the latter). I wouldn't force it, but neither would I encourage or agree with the repeatedly running away over the street as that feels more like a display than anything else.

When there is conflict, I've warned mine that if they play out, they may run into whoever the villain of the week is, and we plan out in what circumstances will they come back in. Sometimes it's right away if the conflict has been bad, sometimes it's if they do X. You may want to talk to Rosie's mum about them both going in to one of their houses. I allow this with my older kids, but not my youngest who is a slightly older than yours because him and his friends still bicker and go from besties to enemies to besties too much for my sanity.

It's one thing occasionally saying "sorry we've already got a game going today" etc but it's this completely closed, permanent mindset that they don't like Bex and will never like her and she can't ever play, when they are playing in a community space outside and there's no one else for her to play. Bex doesnt have a chance. There could be a day when actually they allow her join and it's fun and they see her in a new light, but she's never getting that opportunity to simply be a fun playmate, they are typecasting her as a reject which is then contributing to her becoming needy and whingy because she has no way to turn it around.

Wtf is that. I'm sorry but I think this is why so many children grow up being bitchy at school with "x isnt allowed to play with us" etc, they clearly learn this shit at home. I don't tolerate my kids being like this.

It is strange how many people expect their kids to include everybody when it's a behaviour trait rarely seen in adults. Adults usually socialise with the people they like and don't include the awkward, lonely or friendless.

I think that it's best if the girls play in the back garden rather than the street to avoid rubbing it into Bex's face. Even if your DD's assessment of her is valid, Bex is a child and it will be difficult for her to know that she doesn't have a Rosie who she can play with.

This is not necessarily the case. Many adults are inclusive and try to include everyone on their street/at work/during a hobby. Sadly many adults can’t see beyond the end of their own self-centred noses.

Here’s hoping Bex and Rosie become best mates so we can see OP on here whinging that her daughter is been excluded constantly

'Heres hoping'? 🤨 you are actually wishing this on ops child while virtue signalling how wonderful you are? Bloody hell!

Yes - it’s shit when you are the kid no one wants to play with.

Any reason you can't talk to Bex's mum about it? It must be awful to be excluded in this way but they need to understand why so they can do something about it. I bet she's being excluded at school as well and it's a very lonely place to be (I've been there myself). Find a time that you two can talk without the girls being there and bring a peace offering.

Also as PPs have said, this is an opportunity to teach your daughter kindness and acceptance, not boundaries. Boundaries are for when people are being mean.

From Bex's perspective isn't it better that she realises her social skills aren't great when she's still young and can potentially be taught how to manage friendships?

It's all well and good making children include people they don't want to but there is no one to make adults do this. What good will potentially years of fake friendship do for someone who will then be friendless as an adult?

This is not necessarily the case. Many adults are inclusive and try to include everyone on their street/at work/during a hobby. Sadly many adults can’t see beyond the end of their own self-centred noses.

Good for you if you include everyone but I see people standing alone in places like school playgrounds while others behave like they aren't there. There's a woman who I often see outside my local Morrisons who calls out to random passerbys and people swerve her too. (She's not in distress btw)

Bex's Mother sounds mentally ill (I struggle with mental health myself) and I think she needs help/support. I feel for Bex but with a Mum like that as an example it is never going to be good for her i.e. hit out when things don't go your way. I always remember my Mum forcing me to go to a girl's party when I was about 7. Didn't like the girl; she was immature, loud and (hate to say it as this would be on the parents at the time and not her) smelt horrible. I was never friends with her but attended the party with a present and said thank you to her Mum at the end. It is good to be polite but you cannot force friendships, ever, kids or adults.

@InChocolateWeTrust They don’t include her in play because they don’t particularly like her, and they clearly haven’t had a good experience including her in play on the occasions that they have done. Unsurprisingly they’ve based their opinions of Bex on experiences they’ve had with her, not on ones that they may have in future.

Regardless of what you think they should be feeling, clearly trying to force friendship is only creating more problems and upsetting everyone.

As hard as it may be for Bex and her mother, Bex’s mother needs to encourage her to focus her attentions elsewhere and leave these girls alone. What she’s doing right now is making it worse for everyone, herself and Bex included.

The other mum needs to tell her daughter to try & stop playing with your daughter & friend.

Wonderful advice

And if the mother doesn't shut her mouth I would then get involved and tell the child myself

You sound nice

Why do you believe little girls should be forced to interact and play with people they don't want to? Surely it was your job to find friends who did

You clearly have no idea of children friendship issues @Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim

how old are you? You sound so childish...here's hoping??? OP is asking for help and there you are creating scenarios where her daughter is excluded. Nice!!

Well having been a little girl and with two of my own I feel quite qualified in the discussion.

I'm not egotistical enough to expect every child to want to play and be with my children so have to have had the conversations about having to move on

If my own child was constantly being told no they didn’t want to play I would be talking to my child about why and encouraging her to not keep keep going and knocking.

As a mum of three two of which are girls I know only too well the weird and wondering dynamics of girls friendship groups and have had to have a conversation with one my own about the fact she still kept wanting to play with someone who kept hitting her.

the mum of bex is doing her no favours by letting her keep going and pester the other girls. Much better for her to leave them alone when they are out as a twosome and wait for them to approach her or only approach when one of the girls is out not together to try and build a friendship with just one of the girls.

Cheers. It’s better than ‘hey Bex, let’s repeatedly put you in a position where you get your feelings hurt. Keep pestering them when it’s clear they don’t want to play with you’, and ‘push her!’.

Lol at the level of venom being delivered by some adult posters against an 8 year old in the name of ‘be kind’. More like ‘be fucking kind, or else’.