Ukrainian refugee calling in sick and having new boyfriend over

[portugalq]

At the beginning of May, my mum took in a 22 year old Ukrainian refugee. My 22 year old sister lives in the home too. I’m later 20s and live about 40 minutes away but see my mum often.

We welcomed “Anna” warmly and have provided all her food etc, helped her update her CV and get a job and been her support system. She now has a good job in a lab and some love friends.

A couple of issues have come up I’d like advice on. Three days into her new job, she caught a virus and spent a few days at home. She then mentioned to my sister that although she was feeling better, she’d stay off work for the rest of the week as there were seven days before she needed a sick note.

In the last couple of weeks, has met a local boy on Tinder and has been seeing him a lot. My mum was away and she had him into the house to spontaneously spend an evening with my sister and her boyfriend.

The next night he came over again. My sister went to bed and Anna told my sister the next day that he had been tired so he’d ended up staying. My sister was shocked but didn’t say anything at the time.

She discussed it with me and I was surprised too. The boy lives with family and seemingly can’t have her over. He told my sister he has been going out on dates to please Anna but he doesn’t like it and prefers to stay at home. I can see a situation where he ends up turning up often at the house.

I feel uncomfortable with these two things and feel she is taking advantage a bit. My mum can be a bit of a pushover and I’m worried about what to do next. What do you think?

She’s not a child that your mum is babysitting. She’s an adult woman. You can’t stop adults seeing other adults. She has every right to go out and date and have a life (and her sickness absence is her business). This should have been considered before the home was opened up 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you are reasonable to worry about this girl having men over but re. The job...she is a 20 year old who has lost everything. She has had to leave her home her friends her culture. Her city may have been destroyed.

Please don't waste brain space judging her for calling in sick when she isn't. I'd leave thst to her boss to resolve. You have no idea if she is hiding serious trauma. Even if she is just discombobulated and far from.home cut her some slack

Re. The boyfriend your mum needs to set house rules. I would also worry this young woman is vulnerable

What the fuck have I just read? What exactly is the point of this post?

What boundaries would you set if you were in your mum’s shoes?

I dont think you can do anything. She is an adult and there were presumably no clearly stated rules about having guests stay over at the start of the arrangement. I hope now she has a job she is paying board etc.

I guess it depends on if you view her as a family member. Is your 22 year old sister allowed to have her boyfriend over? If so, why isn’t Anna allowed the same?
Unless no one is allowed to have a partner over, I don’t really see the issue.
The pretending to be sick thing isn’t great, but that’s between her and her boss. Many people are guilty of doing that.

What were you expecting?

If your mum and sister aren't happy having Anna's boyfriend staying over/ coming round regularly then they need to speak to her and put some ground rules in place. That would be pretty standard for any lodger.

The sickness leave is her business so leave her to it regarding that. Your mum or sister could let her know if it happens again that she can self certify for the first week in case she had misunderstood. It might be that she wanted the paperwork in place as she was anxious about her job.

1. it's not your business how her sick days go

2. was it made clear to her that she can't have people to stay over? If she hasn't been told about ground rules, she isn't telepathic.

3. there's an odd tone to your post, as if you're shocked that people take sick days and have sex.

Obviously your mum needs to set house rules re visitors if she isn't happy to have people coming and going like that.

Calling in sick for the job isn't your concern. Her manager will sort out any problems at work.

The job thing is her business but I think it’s a bit off for her to have a friend/bf stay over without asking your mum first.

But it sounds like she wants to go out and the boyfriend wants to stay in? Is he getting fed too?

I think you or your mum just need a gentle word that you’d prefer her not to let bf stay over night.

Is her job permanent and full time?

How very frothy.
Is she supposed to spend all day rending her garments and delicately holding a hanky to her weeping eyes while keening for the old country?

I think YABU really, a person who has fled war is likely to be a bit unsettled and one of the ways this could manifest is by not really giving much of a fuck about work.

Your mum can set house rules like no overnight guests.

But I think you need to think through your expectations of 'normal' behaviour from someone whose life has been completely turned upside down. This person is not on holiday or here by choice. It is very hard for refugees (have experience of them in family member's home).

Is your sisters boyfriend allowed to stay over?

Her job and attitude to it are absolutely none if your business. She's basically a lodger with her own life. Not a family member.

Yes, she should all if she can have something stay over, just like a standard lodger would. Your mum needs to establish what her house rules are.

This woman has just fled her country. If she wants a sick day and a shag, she can crack on. Jeez, give the girl a break.

What rules did your Mum give her?

Is she expected to give your Mum any “rent” now she has a job, is that why the sickness thing is bothering you? You’re worried she’s going to lose her job and not be able to pay your mum? (Guessing away)!

She's not a child! She's like a housemate/lodger. You'll have to tell her if there are ground rules like no blokes but then that means none of you can have blokes over. As for her sick days what the fuck does it have to do with you?

People suggesting that if the daughter is allowed a boyfriend over then the guest should also are taking bollocks. Presumably the daughter has some sense of responsibility and care about her mothers house beyond what the guest would. If the daughter brings home a partner and he turns out to be dodgy then they are responsible for bringing someone dodgy into their house with their belongings. The guest has nowhere near the same level of concern for the house. What guest invited strangers into your home???? The fact that she thinks this is ok tells me enough to have grave concerns

Sorry OP, but in the nicest possible way, her life is none of your business! It’s not like you are even living there.

She left a war zone, she's been with your mum less than 2 months and she already has a job? That's brilliant. I wouldn't begrudge her a taking a sickie.
If your mum doesn't want her boyfriend staying she needs to say so, and sooner rather than later.

I can't believe people are ok with her boyfriend staying over. The job is her problem. Having a boyfriend is not a problem. Someone you don't know in your house is not on.

It sounds like your Mum needs to clearly lay out her boundaries. If ‘Anna’ previously lived alone/ with friends or in a household where she was free to bring back whoever she wanted she may have not considered the rules could be different in your Mum’s house. It doesn’t sound like your Mum has told her not to bring anybody back and as an adult she’s wouldn’t be unreasonable to do so in her own home. Obviously when you’re a lodger the rules can be different but that is a discussion your Mum needs to have.

Taking a full week off work even when you feel better after 2/3 days I would say is fairly standard behaviour when you’re 22 and that’s even when you’re not a refugee who has fled war and everything you’ve ever known! I think you have to accept that even if it’s not something you would do it’s not a morally corrupt decision, lots of people do the same and take the full amount of available sick leave when they’re unwell even if they probably could return sooner.

If your mum isn't happy with it and Anna has a good job in a lab I'm sure she can move out and rent a place but 1) it's none of your business 2) she's 22 and presumably in a fairly entry level role, taking a couple of extra sick days after actually being ill is probably not unheard of and 3) an adult woman having sex...someone alert the elders?

I think your expectations might be out of sync with reality. And you’re not alone.

I think a lot of host families have gone in to this thinking they are helping someone who has lost everything and is vulnerable and will need help and a degree of looking after. In reality they have welcomed a young, resilient adult in to their home who has quickly found their feet and got back to living/enjoying life and making the best or in some cases the most of their new surroundings.

Your mum needs to establish firm house rules and she wouldn’t be unreasonable to say the boyfriend can’t stay.