Ukrainian refugee calling in sick and having new boyfriend over

[portugalq]

At the beginning of May, my mum took in a 22 year old Ukrainian refugee. My 22 year old sister lives in the home too. I’m later 20s and live about 40 minutes away but see my mum often.

We welcomed “Anna” warmly and have provided all her food etc, helped her update her CV and get a job and been her support system. She now has a good job in a lab and some love friends.

A couple of issues have come up I’d like advice on. Three days into her new job, she caught a virus and spent a few days at home. She then mentioned to my sister that although she was feeling better, she’d stay off work for the rest of the week as there were seven days before she needed a sick note.

In the last couple of weeks, has met a local boy on Tinder and has been seeing him a lot. My mum was away and she had him into the house to spontaneously spend an evening with my sister and her boyfriend.

The next night he came over again. My sister went to bed and Anna told my sister the next day that he had been tired so he’d ended up staying. My sister was shocked but didn’t say anything at the time.

She discussed it with me and I was surprised too. The boy lives with family and seemingly can’t have her over. He told my sister he has been going out on dates to please Anna but he doesn’t like it and prefers to stay at home. I can see a situation where he ends up turning up often at the house.

I feel uncomfortable with these two things and feel she is taking advantage a bit. My mum can be a bit of a pushover and I’m worried about what to do next. What do you think?

She’s lost everything, family friends home job country
let the girl take a couple of days off work

and let her have fun like other 20 year old girls in this country are doing
you didn’t notice him so they obviously weren’t disturbing anyone
if your mum feels unsafe that’s different and worth a discussion but I think it’s just a difference of opinions

Very strange to come from middle of the war and in a month to be dating…. Or whatever.

Yeah it's not. If my granny hadn't shagged a random from a warzone during the second world war, neither my mum nor I would exist. Wars make people shag. Not the opposite.

Your guest is being extremely disrespectful and taking advantage of your mother's good nature. Explain to her she needs to go to work so she can find her own place.

I get it OP. Your mum is worried that the girl isn't reliable at turning up for work and that she will basically be housing an additional person free of charge. It would of course have been respectful for the girl to mention it to her in advance and to discuss when and how many times per week (if at all) it might be appropriate to invite a total stranger to stay in her home.

But this is one of those strange fallacies that exists on mumsnet - that in a lease or houseshare, you may invite as many people as you wish to share with you, and the landlord cannot complain. It isn't true of course, because its always a contract delictus personnae, but some mumsnetters literally think that you can invite your whole family and group of friends to move in with you and the landlord can do nothing.

The overnight issue with the boyfriend needs addressing, and it is perfectly acceptable for your mum to say she is not going to allow it at all, or to put a minimum number of nights on it. I also think inviting any stranger into your home is potentially putting the other people that live there at risk as they will not have been vetted, however small that risk is.

Perhaps you should have thought about all these things before taking in a refugee. At least she's not suffering ptsd and screaming the house down at night.

Perhaps your mother doesn't have the right disposition to take in lodgers or refugees, if she's not comfortable being forthright about her house rules and what is and is not acceptable in her home. She meant well, but it's not for everyone. You need to be confident enough to speak up and state your boundaries.

Your mother would not be unreasonable to say what is and is not allowed, as far as overnight guests or random drop-ins. If she's not comfortable telling Anna what is and isn't allowed in her home, you and your sister can back her up or speak on her behalf, but if there are frequent problems it might be best to end the arrangement. Either Anna accepts your mother's terms or she can find somewhere else to live.

I think your right to worry and totally legitimate to be concerned. I think your mum needs to set clear ground rules. I think no guests isn't unreasonable at all! I had this rule from 2 places I rented rooms.Also from a caring perspective your sis might want to say to tread carefully with this man as he doesn't exactly sound like Prince charming. Re work again I'd have a word but in a family type wag helping her to understand expectations and risks etc.

Every 22 yo I know would use all days on a sick cert.

you haven’t said if your mum is ok with the bf coming/staying over. It’s not a problem unless she has been asked not to and does it anyway. Sounds like a non-issue to me

Yes, what is the point of this thread OP? Do tell.

I'm never ever been one to cry "Racism" at the drop of a hat but the current trend for putting "Ukrainian Refugee" in the title of threads is starting to make me feel there is a nasty whiff of racism towards Ukrainians. And all threads with that in the title you just know the OP will be slagging them off or saying something inflammatory or derogatory towards them.

The scenario could be true or it could be made-up shit. Leave off the Ukrainian descriptor it isn't relevant.

with her working surely it can’t be long before she has a deposit to find her own place? Then she can please herself - your families been kind enough to set her up. Then she can make her own life choices

It's fine to say he can't stop. You can even say no visitors although it seems excessive. Her work is her own business.

I think this girls got one heck of a cheek! If your Mum doesn’t set some firm ground rules, what’s next, the boyfriend moves in, or is there most nights? She needs to be reminded she’s a lodger, it’s not her house and she taking liberties.

As for the work thing, her business, but it hasn’t taken long for her to suss the system.

Ok.this isn't a guest situation really these Ukrainians we are housing to live for a time.so it's their life can go on.different to if say a friend or someone was just staying for a wee while. Your home is their life right now.
So job and meeting people fall into that. And everything else good and bad that comes with how a person lives.
There has to be communication on both sides though.and respect.
But not judgement.
Not taking the piss.
But also not looking down o n people for having their life,even if it doesn't align with yours.
A sit down and talk need to be had.but expectations and kindness need to be given BOTH ways

You only knowing the workshy doesn't make it OK you know. At my work there are quite a few young people and none of them take the piss when they are sick neither do my own children or their friends

As the OP has said it raises an initial concern about the integrity of Anna and that's understandable, hosting a refugee doesn't mean you throw away all your values.

What rubbish! I wouldn’t allow my adult children to bring some random stranger into my home so why would a guest think it’s acceptable to do that.

Someone has been reading ‘A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian’.

Surely she doesn't need to ask your mum if she can sit outside with her boyfriend? Do you also think she should let your mum know when she's going on a date? Yes she should really have checked if it was okay for him to stay overnight but also your mum should have made it clear that she wasn't allowed.
You sound really disgusted at the idea of her having sex (and so does your sister). Is that because you as a family don't believe in sex before marriage? Or do you just think Anna shouldn't have sex for another reason?

These comments surprise me op. Of course it's OK for her to be off work . Random guy from tinder ... no! Your mum shouldn't be in vulnerable position with strange men in the house

A post by a concerned daughter about her mother’s home and hospitality being abused by someone bringing randoms home to fuck?

Where on earth does your information about Eastern Europe come from? A Ukrainian young woman is likely to be much less sexually adventurous and experienced compared to a British woman of her age.

I'd be concerned here that "John" is taking an advantage of her situation. There is a popular opinion there that Western men are a league above all other men, she might be not seeing the truth - this guy sounds quite unsavoury.

Yeah - because all “desert countries” lash people or stone people to death for having sex outside marriage 🙄

I think of course she could have people over to visit but I’d expect to be asked if they can stay over, it’s just basic manners.

How awfully convenient for the boyfriend that he can’t have anyone over - I’d have to ask him what is the reason for that?

It sounds like John is a low life who's taking advantage of her, yet instead of recognising her as vulnerable in this situation and helping her, you are judging her.

Help support your mum to establish some boundaries but also support this young woman.

Is she in touch with Ukrainian people locally? Does she have any kind of support network? Is she receiving any kind of help with the trauma of having fled war?

Are any of your family members able to have a non judgemental chat with her about John?

Knew we'd get posts like this when people started taking them in. People didn't think it through in the slightest.

I don't really see the problem in her having a boyfriend over. The daughter is allowed her boyfriend, despite knowing him he could still be a thief, a rapist, a murderer etc. Lots of people didn't know what a person was truly like until the mask slipped. How many times has someone on here married someone who is supposedly nice, got pregnant and then the mask slipped? Surely they should have been able to trust them too by the logic used by some here?

It's interesting that no one has picked up on the fact that he isn't allowed to have guests in his house overnight but everybody is expecting Anna to be able to do the same. I don't know anyone who would want a random man staying in the house.