Ukrainian refugee calling in sick and having new boyfriend over

[portugalq]

At the beginning of May, my mum took in a 22 year old Ukrainian refugee. My 22 year old sister lives in the home too. I’m later 20s and live about 40 minutes away but see my mum often.

We welcomed “Anna” warmly and have provided all her food etc, helped her update her CV and get a job and been her support system. She now has a good job in a lab and some love friends.

A couple of issues have come up I’d like advice on. Three days into her new job, she caught a virus and spent a few days at home. She then mentioned to my sister that although she was feeling better, she’d stay off work for the rest of the week as there were seven days before she needed a sick note.

In the last couple of weeks, has met a local boy on Tinder and has been seeing him a lot. My mum was away and she had him into the house to spontaneously spend an evening with my sister and her boyfriend.

The next night he came over again. My sister went to bed and Anna told my sister the next day that he had been tired so he’d ended up staying. My sister was shocked but didn’t say anything at the time.

She discussed it with me and I was surprised too. The boy lives with family and seemingly can’t have her over. He told my sister he has been going out on dates to please Anna but he doesn’t like it and prefers to stay at home. I can see a situation where he ends up turning up often at the house.

I feel uncomfortable with these two things and feel she is taking advantage a bit. My mum can be a bit of a pushover and I’m worried about what to do next. What do you think?

Couldn't have put it better myself

@portugalq I do get you re the ''Boyfriend/s'' issue...
They could be anyone, and it's another ''Body'' in the house, using the bathroom &c.
I did have student Lodgers years ago, and only let them have overnight visitors when I was away. {reasonably frequently}

I figured they'd have then anyway then, so didn't mind then.

I genuinely think a lot of people who took in refugees did expect this. It's like they don't quite understand they're actual real people with needs, feelings and personalities.

What does your mum think about the boyfriend

Why is her nationality and refugee status relevant to this situation?

Do you hold her to higher standards because you believe she “owes” your Mum / society more than someone else because she is a refugee?

If there are house rules that need exploring abs negotiating between all of the adults who live in the house let them get on with it.

Well done to your Mum and sister for sharing their home and support. Well done to Anna for finding her feet and quickly getting a good job and as it looks like integrating socially.

Technically shes not 'like a housemate/lodger' actually. Its a much more informal arrangement.

She has no formal tenancy rights beyond having to be given 'reasonable notice to leave' and is classified as a guest.

Its completely reasonable to expect certain rules of behaviour and to say no to over night guests even if others in the house have them. Partly because its potentially an insurance issue.

If she doesn't like the arrangement and house rules she has other options available to her.

Just because she has fled a warzone, does not mean she has a free pass to a) invite anyone to your home, b) be disrespectful to her host (which having a strange bloke in your home overnight may well be without explicit prior request).

If she wants a shag, she can have one. If the host isn't comfortable with this being on her property then its reasonable to say so.

HOWEVER I note that the OP is NOT the homeowner/host. The homeowner NOT the OP has to make this decision and has to spell it out. The OP isn't living there. The OP can advise her mother, but ultimately its not her issue and she needs to wind her neck in.

It's Anna's home too! She's not just a guest popping in for a friendly visit. Would you have 'grave concerns' about any other housemate or lodger having their boyfriend over?

Yes this.

I mean, I see spare rooms available on Facebook all the time for £350 and isn't that what host families get? I have heard of flatshares with rules around taking the piss with BFs/GFs (i.e there 5 days a week and using extra elec for showers and stuff) but to have a blanket "no boyfriend overnight rule" for a grown adult is taking the piss a bit imo.

Clearly the job aspect has nothing to do with OP or the family.

House rules or not, Anna, should not be bringing anyone to the house without prior permission from the owner of the house. Just because she comes from a war torn country doesn’t mean she can disrespect the house she’s living in.
I would be livid.

• there should have been a BUT in my post which now doesn't really make sense without it was agreeing with the first part of the quote BUT not so much the second

The op doesn't want Anna bringing people home ad hoc for safety reasons . Also concerned that she won't be able to hold a job down . They don't want a CF on their hands. Ground rules should have been discussed and set at the start

OP why not post on one of the host support facebook pages where you'll get decent advice off people who have experienced similar things ? A really helpful online community has developed and funnily enough most of us are having reasonably positive experiences give or take the odd issue to be expected..

Oh it's hardly wildly disrespectful to bring her boyfriend back without being told otherwise. No need to make it a huge thing. She just needs some clarity. What wouldn't be very nice would be the family not giving her this clarity then gossiping and whipping up a load of dismay amongst themselves. At least give her a chance by letting her know where the boundaries lie.

I have a 30 year old Ukrainian woman staying in my home. I have a 23 year old daughter back from Uni. My daughter has her boyfriend staying over - why would I care if my guest did the same. I signed up to give a refugee a home. It's her home and she can behave as she likes as long as it doesn't upset anyone else.

I would mind your own business OP. If your mother doesn't mind then it's up to her . She's not the girls mother or moral arbiter.

Part and parcel if you ask me.

Not sure how this works but if she has a good job in a lab would she be able to move out as a self supporting adult ?

Its her home in theory. However she is a guest. Legally and technically.

I know of hosts who are sending their guests to the food bank.

There is no contract. It is an informal arrangement. Hosts retain the right to set any rules they see fit in terms of who stays and who a guest can invite into their property.

They absolutely can say 'No you can't have random people visit without prior permission'.

And yes it is disrespectful to invite someone without first checking with the host if it is ok. They have invited a woman to live with them. They have not invited random strange males they dont know.

Many hosts were willing to take refugees precisely because they weren't male.

Well, I wouldn’t want strange men (or any men tbh) in my house, so I get it.

Very strange to come from middle of the war and in a month to be dating…. Or whatever.

But yeah, I can totally see this wasn’t what your mom was expecting.
I wouldn’t have.

Why?

Well apart from being yet to hear of a host who has actually seen sight of that £350.

The reality is that hosting often doesn't cover expenses and time taken helping the guest. Its cost every guest I've spoken to a small fortune to do it... Some are finding, because their guest has come with nothing and Universal Credit takes so long to kick in / child benefit takes so long to apply for, that they are having to financially support them for some time.

Even if they have got a job the reality is, most are low paid and don't necessarily get paid immediately...

Unlike a lodger/houseshare.

People making the comparision have no fucking idea.

You can't charge rent, it's an agreement of the scheme and it would be unethical to attempt to make a profit from hosting a refugee.

@RedToothBrush genuinely hadn't heard that hence why I put the question mark.

Many people have come from parts of Ukraine which have been largely unaffected apart from regular air raids. The UK has attracted more people who seem to have largely been better off and less directly affected by the war. Simply because of the beaucratic hoops to get here, gatekeeping those who apply.

The idea that she's some kind of traumatised jelly isn't exactly more realistic than saying 'of course its her home she can invite ANYONE she likes over all day and all night'.

But that doesn't necessarily make this issue the OPs business. Its her Mums.

Why would the sister's bf who ispresumably well known to the mum being allowed to stay over mean that the same applies to any random bloke that Anna meets

Would you be happy with that in your home, I wouldn't regardless of who the lodger is, no unknown men would be having free run of my home when im not there. That's surely a basic precauion anyone would take isn't it?