Ukrainian refugee calling in sick and having new boyfriend over

[portugalq]

At the beginning of May, my mum took in a 22 year old Ukrainian refugee. My 22 year old sister lives in the home too. I’m later 20s and live about 40 minutes away but see my mum often.

We welcomed “Anna” warmly and have provided all her food etc, helped her update her CV and get a job and been her support system. She now has a good job in a lab and some love friends.

A couple of issues have come up I’d like advice on. Three days into her new job, she caught a virus and spent a few days at home. She then mentioned to my sister that although she was feeling better, she’d stay off work for the rest of the week as there were seven days before she needed a sick note.

In the last couple of weeks, has met a local boy on Tinder and has been seeing him a lot. My mum was away and she had him into the house to spontaneously spend an evening with my sister and her boyfriend.

The next night he came over again. My sister went to bed and Anna told my sister the next day that he had been tired so he’d ended up staying. My sister was shocked but didn’t say anything at the time.

She discussed it with me and I was surprised too. The boy lives with family and seemingly can’t have her over. He told my sister he has been going out on dates to please Anna but he doesn’t like it and prefers to stay at home. I can see a situation where he ends up turning up often at the house.

I feel uncomfortable with these two things and feel she is taking advantage a bit. My mum can be a bit of a pushover and I’m worried about what to do next. What do you think?

When we was spending time with my sister and her boyfriend, the guy - “John” mentioned he used to have a cocaine problem and is prone to drink driving.

My sister explained he made a lot of jokes that seemed to go over Anna’s head. One was about her colleague who lives in the village and gives Yana lifts. John jokes all Anns had to do is give him a handjob. Anna looked confused and my sister had to explain the joke. Anna was revolted.

I do worry about his motivations.

This with bells on

I think many of the commenters minds went to sex and got hung-up on
it and had a oddly stong reaction.

OP didn’t even say anything about sex, just that there is now a man staying over.
And I get it, already said earlier, I wouldn’t want strange man in my house.

I think many of you need to get over sex and whatever reason you having such a reaction to it, no one cares if someone has sex.

No one is stopping her from having sex and a relationship.

Where its a problem is in breech of trust with random males in the home at night

If she is traumatised and its affecting her behaviour then thsts even more of a reason why a host might be resistant to strange men off the internet being in their home and think it inappropriate.

Partly out of feeling they have a degree of informal duty of care to look after their guest and because it may raise questions about their judgment being off (which may put the guest and/or the host at potential risk.

Its not cool nor is it wise to do without formally checking first. Culture has fuck all to do with this.

Yeah it’s definitely not about being puritan. We are a very liberal family. It’s more my mum’s house turning into an open guesthouse. But I agree she should have established boundaries early.

My texted her the day after she’d had John to stay over to explain she needed to check with my mum before having anyone over.

In the three evenings since then, she has once texted my mum at 9pm (while she’s abroad on holiday) to ask if he can come in and then tonight had him park on the drive and spent the evening out there chatting with him (nothing mentioned to my mum).

Well, this doesn't rule out the possibility that your mum has said 'hey you crack on there'.

Is your mum telling you she is unhappy / concerned about the situation.

Youve not actually addressed this.

You being unhappy about the situation is different to your mum being unhappy about it.

tonight had him park on the drive and spent the evening out there chatting with him
What's the issue with that?

Sorry. Yes Mum is uncomfortable with unknown male visitors and doesn’t know what to do.

Sounds like she has complied with your request to ask your mum in advance to have a guest in the house?

If you think that your mum should have another rule around people sitting in a car on her drive then that’s something else she needs to consider and then communicate effectively if that’s not suitable.

Tell her that its not ok and if she wants to invite strange males into her home, she needs to find alternative accommodation.

Its not that hard. She just needs to be direct, clear and say its non negotiable.

Easy.

If she persists, then she needs give notice.

If your mum is uncomfortable with it, she needs to spell out whats at stake. She took in a refugee for six months. Not a refugee and the new random boyfriend.

She is within her rights to do this. Guest is able to make an informed decision. If guest is breaking your mothers trust, thats a valid reason to say time to go.

Its not about the sex. Its about abuse of privilege of staying at your mothers and a loss of trust.

Your mother can ban whoever she wants from staying overnight in her property. As I say upthread there is a potential insurance issue here.

Normally insurers require householders to inform them if they have lodgers / long term guests living in a property temporarily. Its a bit of a grey area with ukrainians as theres some kind of waiver for some insurers on this but not necessarily all. She potentially might find she isn't covered if there is a theft from the house and it becomes apparent the boyfriend has been staying overnight.

It might be worth hiding behind this if she wants to avoid more confrontation.

If she stays your mother just needs to tell her what the house rules are, no overnight guests till she says so / which will be after your mother has met him 3 times or so.

But OP I think that you - and possibly your mum, depending if she really does agree with you - just need to honest and ask the girl to leave as clearly you aren’t happy about housing her. She had a job and she can presumably rent a room.

I say this because you are writhing around looking for issues. The pulling a sickie thing - she’s just left a war zone, so who knows what’s going on in her head, and if she wants to sit in a guy’s car on the drive - are you seriously saying she needs permission for that?

If you want her gone, and can get your mum to agree, do that.

I doubt OP gives two hoots about whom the ?Ukrainian woman has sex with...She likely just doesn't want strange men in her mother's house.
If the woman wants to have sex, use a hotel , or go to his house!

I wouldn’t be comfortable either. Why doesn’t she feel able to communicate that?

I think this is important to consider.

Don’t slide into unnecessary frustration and resentment - none of you deserve that.

You are not her mother, you kindly invited her into your home knowing what she is fleeing from, and now your moaning about her?

@coldchaincycle

You are woefully ignorant and offensive.

I accept the sick days were a red herring. It’s just not good to see a potential sign of dishonesty in someone you have opened your home to.

I hadn't thought of it that way, but actually it's a fair point. I take back my earlier post.

So she did ask for permission before had someone over, she sat and chatted with a guy on the drive, who once made a crass joke, and she has pulled a sickie.

Jesus H Christ. People are suggesting kicking her out? Dangling the fact she’s ‘just a guest’ over her head? Have some compassion. Ask her how she’s doing. Make a cup of tea. If your mum is really that bothered about never having anyone over then she needs to tell her. Like an adult.

i would worship the ground they walked on rather than take the liberty out of their generosity.

I despair. You wouldn’t try to build a life for yourself? You think this woman should be doing nothing but fawning?