Ukrainian refugee calling in sick and having new boyfriend over

[portugalq]

At the beginning of May, my mum took in a 22 year old Ukrainian refugee. My 22 year old sister lives in the home too. I’m later 20s and live about 40 minutes away but see my mum often.

We welcomed “Anna” warmly and have provided all her food etc, helped her update her CV and get a job and been her support system. She now has a good job in a lab and some love friends.

A couple of issues have come up I’d like advice on. Three days into her new job, she caught a virus and spent a few days at home. She then mentioned to my sister that although she was feeling better, she’d stay off work for the rest of the week as there were seven days before she needed a sick note.

In the last couple of weeks, has met a local boy on Tinder and has been seeing him a lot. My mum was away and she had him into the house to spontaneously spend an evening with my sister and her boyfriend.

The next night he came over again. My sister went to bed and Anna told my sister the next day that he had been tired so he’d ended up staying. My sister was shocked but didn’t say anything at the time.

She discussed it with me and I was surprised too. The boy lives with family and seemingly can’t have her over. He told my sister he has been going out on dates to please Anna but he doesn’t like it and prefers to stay at home. I can see a situation where he ends up turning up often at the house.

I feel uncomfortable with these two things and feel she is taking advantage a bit. My mum can be a bit of a pushover and I’m worried about what to do next. What do you think?

You have no idea what values, norms, traditions etc a refugee has. Speaking from experience here. You don’t know who they are, the differences in background…
And regardless whether it’s a friend, a refugee, or a cousin, I wouldn’t want a stranger to come to my house without my consent. If they want a shag, fine shag somewhere else.

There will be cultural differences and these things are part of that. Culture differences are not just about the food one eats and the clothes one wears - whole behavioural norms and ways of thinking are involved. Once you've grown up in one culture and then lived in another you begin to realise the power of 'conditioning' and how we're all conditioned one way or another. One way isn't 'right', it's just different.

Did your mum not have some house rules of her staying there? Nothing wrong with her having a boyfriend but wouldn't be happy with strange overnight guests in my home. He will also be eating your mum's food as well and probably using the hot water for showers.

Exactly. This is your mum’s home, not a guesthouse.

Indeed. The guest does not pay rent. The government (are supposed to) pay hosts to house their guest. Not their guest and their guest's top shag.

I can't exactly imagine too many overnight guests are allowed in government refugee accomodation. They might want to reflect on this.

Given than you can give such limited notice on asking guests to leave, a refugee would be extremely unwise to be having overnight guests without permission thus jeapardising their current arrangement.

They could easily find themselves homeless. The rules on rehoming refugees have recently been changed. This means there is no timelimit on being in B&B / government hotel accomodation. This means a refugee who has been made homeless has the option of sucking up this government provided accomodation, finding another Homes For Ukraine host or paying for their own accomodation.

It does not sound smart to be just inviting a bloke you've just met off tinder into the home of your host overnight, without first checking whether they are cool with it, because of the precarious nature of your housing rights under the government scheme.

Ordinary tenants have more rights and are less vulnerable.

Culture means fuck all in this scenario. You can't scream 'but my culture' when you are turfed out by your host. The Ukrainians I've met are well aware that they can't just invite any tom, dick or harry over to their host's home as it may not be appreciated and they feel uncomfortable doing so, even if they've been told to invited friends over. They are aware of their housing insecurity. Many haven't fully worked out the ticking 6 month timebomb under themselves, but thats another story.

A Refugee can still be a Cunty Fucker. No 'culture' excuses required.

I think her attitude to sick leave is her own business. Apart from mentioning that employers here are quite strict about noting such things and she could loose her job your DM should stay out of it. Taking part in this scheme is not just about providing a place to stay, it is also about offering advice and support to people coping in a new country so a cautious comment about this is in keeping with the ideology of the scheme. As others have said, she is coping with massive changes so once the advice is given its time to let her manage her life her own way.

However I think a new, unknown boyfriend staying over is different. Signing up for this scheme doesn't mean your mother has to accept any stranger into her home. Your mother is still entitled to say who can come into her own home. She is young and your DM might need to have a conversation about expectations on this level.

Your mum offered her a home without strings, and she accepted that offer.

This refugee is a grown woman - if she wants to have sex, that's her choice. It's not unreasonable for her to expect to be treated like a grown woman. Plenty of women in this country who haven't fled a war zone have sex with relatively new boyfriends. In fact, plenty of them have one-night stands. As long as everything is consensual, that's their choice.

If your mum is uncomfortable with the idea of a grown up woman having a relationship, it's a shame she didn't make her conditions clear at the very beginning when she made the offer of a home. She needs to have a conversation where she explains her archaic rules and how they apply to family under her roof (like your sister) and that it's not a judgement on the woman, it's because she's treating her in the same ridiculous way like she would any member of her family and it therefore comes from a place of love and acceptance rather than judginess.

As with everything, it's about communication. If you didn't make the rules clear, you can't get upset when they're not followed. You can, however, have a conversation about changing things going forwards.

Indeed the possibly of losing her job has significant implications. It might affect how long she intends to stay with her host. Thats relevant to the host if she has to sub her, whilst her universal credit catches up... And it put her more at risk of homelessness at the end of those 6 months...

The six month ticking clock is really relevant here. The guest needs to be fully committed to getting their shit together in this country. Its actually a really short window to get your paperwork in order, get a job, get a deposit and find a rental property with a landlord willing to take someone on... Many will need hosts to act as guarentors in the end I suspect...

I agree with you. It’s disrespectful. I’d be pretty pissed off too. You can’t just invite a complete stranger you met off of the internet home. Your mum will be feeling very uncomfortable in her own home i imagine.

Actually you are ADVISED to HAVE strings with the home offer and to set out issues if you have problems further down the line.

I don't think it is archaic to ban overnight guests on such an informal / desparate scenario either. Its a basic courtesy to ask first if you are a guest.

As in a guest. Not a tenant or a lodger. A guest.

It’s not unusual behaviour from someone who has experienced trauma, I think you are being unfair not to take that into account. Opening up your (in this case your mum’s) home to a refugee is incredibly kind and caring but it is also wise to expect that persons behaviour to have been effected by the situation that has caused them to be there.

I bloody love the Ukrainians. How fabulous that she’s got a good job in a lab.

And she’s building relationships.

Wow, I'm surprised how different the replies are compared to when an OP is complaining about a lodger bringing strange men into the house. Situation is basically the same.

I have heard that in WW2 people {Including female refugees} were boning all over the place!
Maybe a way of replacing the population, subconsciously?

If she has a job and wants her boyfriend to stay over then it’s time for her to rent her own place instead of taking piss with your family. Tell her she needs to start looking.

Not exactly great for the sister to be unaware a strange man was staying in the house either. When I was home alone with my female flatmate I used to think nothing of popping to the loo naked in the middle of the night.

Racist, much? You have her then.

*My mum was away and she had him into the house to spontaneously spend an evening with my sister and her boyfriend.

The next night he came over again. My sister went to bed and Anna told my sister the next day that he had been tired so he’d ended up staying. My sister was shocked but didn’t say anything at the time.*

I think it’s relevant that your guest did this when your Mum was away and when your sister was doing the same thing with her boyfriend? If that’s the case it is less CF I think and it’s up to your Mum to explain house rules. Some of these things only come up down the line so everyone needs to be open to considering their boundaries and communicating them clearly without fear of it being a conflict or confrontation.

I am hosting 3 Ukrainian refugees (and their dog) - they have been incredibly resourceful and productive around all of the admin and gaining employment as well as respectful around housekeeping stuff - but I know I am lucky. They are also keen to be independent and to move out and on into their own space in due course. Overnight guests wouldn’t be acceptable or appropriate in my home - there isn’t any extra space - I would expect to be asked but would say “No”. I am networked with lots of other families hosting Ukrainian refugees and not aware that this issue has come up (most are women with children) but not that surprised really that this is a situation with a 22 year old. Just needs clarification from your Mum.

This is pretty much my point but I’ve expressed it badly.

I accept the sick days were a red herring. It’s just not good to see a potential sign of dishonesty in someone you have opened your home to.

You don't emotionally invest time, money and effort in a lodger in the same way.

Hosts take people in to give them safety. They often actively don't want males as part of the package for their own safety and security. They wouldnt take a lodger but see this as extraordinary circumstances.

Having men stay over as part of this really wont be ok for many. That doesn't stop refugees having a relationship.

That's not the issue, is it? It's bringing him back to OP's mother's home, which she doesn't have an absolute right to do without permission.