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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

187 replies

Stressedout65 · 20/06/2022 07:29

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/06/2022 07:33

You leave her to make her own decisions as she's an adult.

ToldItToTheBees · 20/06/2022 07:34

This is not your business. Commenting on another adult's weight is inappropriate.

VeronicaVanHoopen · 20/06/2022 07:35

I am very overweight. (16 stone at 5ft 3) I know I am. I know I need to do something about it but I just can't seem to find it in me to get motivated. I am an extremely motivated person in all other areas of my life. Nothing anyone says helps, in fact it makes it much worse. So, I know it's difficult but my advice would be to just ignore it. I know it's well-intentioned but it will just make her feel worse about herself and less likely to do anything about it.

Vodika · 20/06/2022 07:37

You leave her the fuck alone. She knows she's put on weight. She doesn't need you or anyone else to point out the blatantly obvious.

How about you so something to lighten the load in her day to day life? Like baby sit the children on the weekend so she can have a rest? Maybe help with the school runs?

11Hawkins · 20/06/2022 07:38

She has to do it off her own back unfortunately. You can't force her or she won't have the motivation to carry it through and loose the weight.

shiningstar2 · 20/06/2022 07:42

I think you really must leave it alone. Sounds like she is using food as an emotional prop and commenting on her weight just makes it worse. She will know herself the impact on health and will already be suffering from low self esteem. Commenting on her weight, or even worse showing her before and after photos of where her weight is now will lead to secret eating, resentment of you and even lower self esteem. Your concerns are understandable and out of love for your daughter but nothing will work until your daughter chooses a more healthy life style herself.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 20/06/2022 07:43

Ignore the deliberately goady and rude comments.

I know you’re worried but unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do except support her when she asks for it.

Palmtree9 · 20/06/2022 07:43

For those of you being so blunt, it's worth baring in mind the OP is worried for their child, not mocking their size!

OP, could you offer to make an appointment with a nutritional nurse at the GP? Do you live near them? Could going to a class together, like a Pilates or other low impact class?

Palmtree9 · 20/06/2022 07:44

Sorry, pressed post too soon! Could going to a class like that together work? Then they have company when attending, and motivation to do it

Ragwort · 20/06/2022 07:45

Agree with others, there is nothing you can say or do that will make any difference. In fact it could make it worse. I am overweight and it really irritates me when my mother makes comments or suggestions, I know she is being well meaning, kind and generous (in the past she has paid for gym membership etc) but it is only my own motivation that makes any difference.
And don't say anything (unless invited) when she does lose weight, my DM commented on my small weight loss last week last week and it just made me go and eat a doughnut Grin.
I should learn to accept it as it's not going to change - my DM is 90 and I am well over 60 but honestly, just talk about something else !!

comealongponds · 20/06/2022 07:46

YABU

Shes not stupid. She will know that she’s overweight and that clothes that used to fit no longer do. You making her feel bad about that isn’t going to help.

OneToThree · 20/06/2022 07:46

You don’t mention it. It’s got nothing to do with you. You mentioning it in any way will probably just upset and annoy her.

iknowthismuchis · 20/06/2022 07:49

Depends on your relationship with her and also with weight. I adore my mum but weight and appearance always really mattered to her, it would be hard for me to manage a discussion about weight with her but I know it would fall back to looks rather than health. But honestly if my son ended up as heavy as I am, I would be worried about his health too.

I think I would probably sit her down just once, tell her you absolutely know how hard this is and that you're only saying it because you love her and you want her to be as healthy as she can be, say you'll do anything she needs to support her, say if she's not ready now she can come back to you at any time for support. And then truthfully that's all you can do

GreatCrash · 20/06/2022 07:53

Sorry OP, I know you are worried and well meaning, but unfortunately your suggestions about showing her photos etc will not make her lose weight and may make things worse. She is an adult and the motivation has to come from her.

HerTableLaid · 20/06/2022 07:57

Palmtree9 · 20/06/2022 07:43

For those of you being so blunt, it's worth baring in mind the OP is worried for their child, not mocking their size!

OP, could you offer to make an appointment with a nutritional nurse at the GP? Do you live near them? Could going to a class together, like a Pilates or other low impact class?

All posters can see the OP is worried, but that doesn’t legitimate badgering her adult daughter about her weight. Whether it’s from concern or fatshaming, she can’t force her daughter to alter her food intake or to exercise. No fat person is oblivious to their own body size. They wear clothes with the size on them, they look in mirrors ( or avoid them), they see photos, they get looks and comments.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/06/2022 07:57

you don’t need to tell her she’s overweight but I don’t see why you can’t hammer home the importance of her health with young children. You’re her mother, even if she’s an adult, you can express concern for her health. I’d have a conversation but make it solely about health, nothing referencing appearance or looks.

titchy · 20/06/2022 07:59

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Milkforthemorningcake · 20/06/2022 08:01

Tell her you love her. That is all you do. Constantly criticising her - whether or not the criticism is accurate - is just beating up her self-esteem, which she will need if she is to believe she's worth the effort of trying to lose weight.

dottiedodah · 20/06/2022 08:04

Really this a worry,but you can't possibly show her "before and after photos ffs! She knows but probably feels bad enough. Many women and men too are ow.if she is stressed out with work and small dc she eats to relax .try not to say anything and be supportive.

lyns86x · 20/06/2022 08:05

Wow the women who put the rude and goady comments on, you are saddos! I hope if you're mother or children ever asked for advice you wouldn't hope they were met with comments like that.
Plain rude or maybe you're overweight and it hit a nerve??

Anyway OP I think maybe you should say to her you're concerned about her weight but you appreciate that it must feel like the last thing on her long to do list. Maybe mention you are concerned about diabetes and you hope she knows it's coming from a good place and you're not trying to put pressure on her.. good luck OP I can imagine it's not easy for you right now x

Dogsandbabies · 20/06/2022 08:05

I have never been terribly overweight. But since having my first DC (now have 3) I slowly pulled on the weight. Size 14. My dad always comments. Always. If anything it has put me off losing weight. This year after the third child I decided I wanted to lose weight. For me! I am almost 4 stone down and into the healthy range.

I completely understand where you are coming from but talking about weight diminishes all other achievements. It did in my eyes. I always thought, I am a great mum, I have a great career, a lovely home. I have achieved so much and all he sees is the weight.

She is an adult and will lose weight when and if she is ready. You commenting will not be helpful at all OP.

SquirrelFan · 20/06/2022 08:05

Yeeks, I agree that you should probably stop mentioning it but it doesn't sound to me like you "value weight above all else!"
Agree with PP that offering to babysit or helping in another way with no weight loss strings attached would be a kind thing to do, and it might take some of the stress /strain off her (which also affects health) and show that you love and value her as a person.

thatweirdhippygirl · 20/06/2022 08:06

Leave her alone. Unless you want no relationship with her.

Ask me one of the reasons I don’t speak to my mother anymore….

BingeBitch · 20/06/2022 08:07

Why do people think that telling people they’re fat is some sort of cure? She knows. When and if she’s ready she’ll lose it.
Move on with your life.

Didiplanthis · 20/06/2022 08:10

I am very overweight.. partly as a result of my mother constantly commenting in what she thought was a helpful and positive way since my teens... it really wasn't....since she died my dad who has always been very critical of me in every other way has actually helped by accepting me as I am and if I mention it, he doesn't deny it but will reference the issues that make life hard... it makes me feel more that I am still me not a fat disappointment and doesn't cause me to binge on shit loads of chocolate on the way home..