My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

[Stressedout65]

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

@Vodika what is your problem? She asked for advice and you swear? Angry much?

I'm half wondering if you're my mum writing about me....

Few things to know as your Dd and I sound very similar...

1. she likely knows full well how big she has got. 2( she likely feels huge shame about how big she has got.
2. her feelings of shame will be impacting her motivation to do anything about it.
3. parenting small children is really draining of mental, emotional and physical energy. It is highly likely she is beyond tired by end of each day.
4. being so big, feeling ashamed etc. often means self esteem and self worth are in gutter. She may have given up on herself or even feel: whats the point. Or she just doesn't have the energy to prioritise herself right now.
5. she may have some.form of disordered eating eg binge eating, compulsive overeating etc. Similarly to any other substance abuse ossue like alcoholism, it is not as simple as just stop eating so much. The reasons why she eats so much or so poorly or both need to be dealt with and ultimately she must come to her own decision and realisation she needs help and wants change. If/when she comes to that point be there to support her- paying for therapy is likely to be far more beneficial than paying for gym membership.

I don't know what the answer is here- I definitely haven't found it hence why I'm so big still, however the way you phrased 'she did really well' when talking about a time she lost weight speaks volumes to me about the attitude towards weight and body image you consciously or unconsciously instilled in your daughter at a very delicate time of her life (young, pre pubescent and then pubescent). I speak as someone who bears out the impact of that kind of messaging from the parent I loved and admired most as a kid. Messages like fat = wrong, bad and thin/dieting/ Weight loss = right and good can be really damaging to children and young people.
I hope your daughter can find her own way to better health.

Our family can relate to this as one of DH’s sisters is morbidly obese. She’s been getting larger for about 15 years and now she’s in her mid-40’s, health problems have started. One hospitalization so far and recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic. Her family is very loving, but no one knows how to help her, people have tried exercising with her, cooking for her, etc.

DH’s older sister has talked to him about in floods of tears, because she’s close to her little sister and says she doesn’t want to lose her early, which tbh is likely to happen if something doesn’t change.

But she’s an adult, it’s her choice. It’s painful to witness though.

@Bluepolkadots42 when I say she did really well, it was of her own decision, not as as result of nagging by me. She wasn't in puberty or teenage years when she lost the weight, she was in her early 20's. I have never instilled the fact of fat = bad & thin = good. If you really listen to both my posts you will see that it is not about body image, but about her health & how it could impact on her ability to care for her own children. Also, if you really read my second post you will see that she was very ill & temporarily disabled. Carrying less weight could have helped her recovery & will help future recovery should she become ill again. What is wrong with worrying about my own daughter's health & how it could impact her children's lives? What is wrong with trying to help my own daughter so that she has as healthy & fulfilling life with her own family?
I do understand that she will already know how big she is too, so I asked for advice on here on how best to help/encourage her to try to lose some weight; but obviously I want to go about it in the right way so as not to hurt her feelings

Sometimes I really don't understand MN. Fat is bad. I am not saying dieting is good, but fat is bad for your health, when you come down to it. Obesity is so normalised in this country that we are pussyfooting around this. Being fat is far more damaging than any messaging, IMO. Clearly diet culture has not taken hold if the majority of people in the UK are overweight or obese.

Sometimes I really don't understand MN. Fat is bad.

That's not the point. You can't make somebody else lose weight. And trying to may well be counter-productive. Weight-naggers (however well-intentioned) nag to vent their own feelings, and to make themselves feel like they are doing something, not because they have any good reason to believe that nagging will actually work.

There's an interesting podcast on the BBC by two doctors who are twin brothers. One is very overweight, the other is a healthy weight. The slim brother is very worried about his twin and has spent years trying on and off to help him and encourage him to lose weight, to no avail whatsoever. It's interesting listening to the experts they talk to (doctors, psychologists etc) unpicking not only the weight issue, but the dynamics of how it's affected the brothers' relationship, and the real motives of the slim brother and why his efforts have ultimately been actually unhelpful.

The dynamics of anorexia are not the same as obesity.

People who flipflopped between those states have told me they believe otherwise. <shrug>

The one lesson from this thread is that no matter what OP does : it's wrong. The only question then is "what kind of wrong thing would you like to do?" You don't get to avoid doing a wrong thing.

Sounds like she needs all the help and support she can get OP, I don’t think YABU

With all due respect, that’s not evidence to show that the stigma of being fat is more a health risk than actually being fat.

I accept the points people are making about obesity and the complex psychological issues surrounding it. But, I think there is a danger of applying this to every overweight person and deciding the same issues apply to all. So no one can ever discuss weight with an OW person, they all know already, it will do more harm, it won't work etc. But this doesn't apply across the board. Mant people can and do lose weight if they have the right incentive.
Other people who are overweight are genuinely not bothered by it. Their appearance doesn't matter to them and they don't mind the restrictions of their size. My mother was like this. Very happy with a sedentary life, TV, craft and lovely food. My dad loved her the way she was. Not a problem. Until she died in her 60s of an obesity related illness.
I genuinely think if we'd have spoken to her she may have lost weight especially to be around for her DGC. But no one ever did, it just wasn't done, and we didn't know the risks we do now.

Op- I think the answer is in your first line of response to me, ahe did it without 'nagging' etc from you. She did it last time of her own volition and as others have said, and I tried to get across (albeit probably not well) is, like an addict, it is something that can only come from her to do. I totally understand why you are so worried, I really go- I have a DD and if she grows up to be like me in this sense it would break my heart. That tbh is the main thing that motivates me to try and do something about my weight- thinking about the example I'm setting for her by being the size I am. Your own DD may feel similarly. I am ashamed to admit this but at my weakest moments wanting better for my own DD still isn't enough to stop me making bad food choices. And that feels really awful on so many levels. If you have tons of money to throw at this then I would say offer to pay for a cleaner, keep offering to have the kids- overnights if you can now and again, take her on a spa day, compliment her regularly- her hair or colour of her top or what a good mum she is etc, ask her to join you for a zumba class or regular walk. I am always better able to sustain better eating when I am rested, feel loved, feel good about myself and feel supported. I wish both of you luck.

My mother was like this. Very happy with a sedentary life, TV, craft and lovely food. My dad loved her the way she was. Not a problem. Until she died in her 60s of an obesity related illness.
Snap. My DM was the same, happy in her world until she developed many health problems relating to obesity.

She became further depressed and ate more.

She spent months in/hospital her dignity destroyed wearing a nappy, extra unhappy porters required to roll her.

We had to lift her from the chair.
It wasn't only her size but the damage to her knees and spine.

My mother was slim until menopause.
I imagine a lifetime of obesity would be even worse when older.

Like you I wish we had of intervened earlier.