My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

[Stressedout65]

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

Self destruct?! Don't be so utterly hysterical! Being overweight is not self destructing ffs!

There is quite a bit of cognitive dissonance in that statement.

It is unhealthy to be overweight. That is a fact, and can be backed by thousands of pieces of objective research.

Someone who continues to overeat is therefore on a self-destructive path

There may be many reasons why the person does not address the problem, but it is still a path of self-destruction . The definition of self-destruction is causing serious harm to oneself.

Again, there are multiple reasons why a person is on a self-destructive path, but nonetheless it is self-destruction and it is not hysterical to say that.

She's an adult and knows she's overweight. Lay off. If nagging/gentle nudging/organising her life for her worked no one would be fat.

I came on the thread thinking "shit, my mum's found Mumsnet!"

I could be your daughter @Stressedout65

I am 38, a size 28/30 and 25.5 stone. I KNOW I'm fat, I KNOW I need to lose weight and I also know HOW to do it having previously lost 3.5 stone doing SW

BUT my weight is my issue, and every time my mum mentions it, although she's trying to help, it really doesn't because nothing she says can flip a switch in my brain which will start me on a weight loss journey - if only it were that simple

All you can do OP, is be supportive. You don't need to keep mentioning her weight because, trust me, she knows she's put on and she also knows she needs to do something about it

I sympathise as it’s shit watching your child do that to themselves but absolutely nothing you say will help so keep quiet. It’s their life now.

So if saying something and offering support doesn't work, what should concerned relatives do? Nothing seems to be the preferred course of action. But there's no evidence that ignoring it works either. And how long should you sit back and ignore it? Until the person's weight becomes life limiting? Interferes with the parenting of her children? Causes her to be housebound or disabled? If any other factor than weight that had the potential to escalate was at play, alcohol, mental health issues, self harm no one would say nothing. So why is this different and how is ignoring it helpful?

@Vodika read my post: I offered to babysit whilst she goes swimming, which she used to be very good at, or whatever she would like to do. Doesn't that tell you that I have offered to help out with my grandchildren to lighten the load? 🙄
And as a side note, I have them a lot, we are all close & my home is like their second home.
Also, us grans still have to work, hence no help given for the school runs.
To any of the nasty commenters, I love my daughter very much & it was heartbreaking to see her so ill & practically disabled. Being less overweight would have helped her recovery no end & she knows it. She is a very pretty girl, & I'm not just saying that, she is. However, it is not about looks, its about her health. She is better now, but if she was ill again then her increased weight will only hinder her recovery. I don't want her to end up on a mobility scooter by the time she's middle aged, nor with diabetes or anything else weight related. I myself am not a thin person telling an overweight person how to live & how she should look. I am middle aged, very overweight with oedema. My knees have started to hurt too. It's a wake up call for me & I hope it will be a wake up call for her too; so you should all be able to understand that I know what I'm talking about with the obesity causing health problems & my primary concern is for the health of my daughter.
To the more constructive & kinder posters, who do not feel the need to be goady/nasty or pepper their replies with swearing, thank you for your advice. I will maybe try to work out a routine for being active with her so we can maybe do it together, and I will not show her the earlier photos which will only highlight her weight gain.

As an obese person telling her wont do anything-it jsut puts my back up

my father has tried for years it just annoys me-i completely understand youre worried but showing pictures and saying go to the gym wont do anythng until she wants to do it

shes already lying/in denial saying to your shes the same size so going on just wont help

The most impactful thing you can do for your daughter is to lose weight yourself. Making changes to improve your health would be the best example you can provide for her.

Nothing can flip a switch in your brain to start you on a weight loss journey?

Are you saying there is literally nothing that will help obese people lose weight?

It's such a hard thing to understand. Why is obesity such a different scenario to spending too much money, drinking too much wine, smoking too many fags? Nothing that could flip your switch? That's incredible.

I wonder if you can frame this by telling her you are worried about your own weight and would like some company for walks, swimming or whatever, even if only once a week. Tell her you find it very dull exercising on your own. That may sound less offensive. Maybe her partner/Dh can have the kids.

I agree with you.

Families hold interventions for those with other addictions when they are causing harm to themselves and others and yet trying to encourage those with weight issues to be careful is heavily frowned upon. I would hope that anyone in this situation is able to step out of the ‘I know, it’s my issue to deal with’ mentality and realise the devastating impact that obesity related health issues or death would have on their children and families.

It’s fine to be unhealthily overweight but it’s quite selfish to expect those around you to pick up the pieces and be expected to care for you or watch you decline to a point where day to day activities are impossible or the risk of diabetes becomes real.

What is the answer?

I think as parents our job is to love and support our children unconditionally. As any other person she has a right to be in control of what she eats, if and when she exercises, her health (which is not necessarily at risk due to the size of her body!), and these things are really not anyone else's business. I would advise you OP to listen to a few Kristy Harrison 'Anti Diet' podcasts, it read the book, have a think about your thoughts, feelings and judgements around size and health, and leave your daughter to make her own choices and live her own life. Agree with all the others who have suggested helping her with things like childcare if she's tired and struggling, that would be so kind, let her have a rest and do whatever she wants - with no strings attached!

She actually wrote 'nothing SHE SAYS can flip a switch'. Which is completely different to what you're implying.

And it would a absolutely apply to booze and fags etc. There is no magic set of words you can utter to change somebody's behaviour. Unless you're perhaps a therapist and even then it would probably take a long time not a couple of sentences.

All the “she knows she’s fat” responses … yup but

There’s loads of evidence that obese people (particularly people who were obese to begin with & gain more weight) underestimate their weight. The daughter quite likely knows she’s fat but distorted body image means she may well not appreciate both how fat she is & significantly underestimate how much she’s gained.

There is research to suggest the stigma around living in a bigger body is actually more of a health risk for people then the physical affects of living in a bigger body. Issues around food are most often CAUSED by diet culture and restriction. I think we need to work towards acceptance of the fact that people are different shapes and sizes, accept that dieting doesn't work for 95% of people, and that the pressures put of people from such a young age around food and diets could be at the root of the EDs and weight fluctuation people suffer in later life.

So the answer is that there are many many reasons why people are living in different sized bodies, and it really isn't anyone else's business - leave people alone, foster a culture where people aren't bullied for being different, teach your kids not to judge people for any aspect of how they look and have a go at doing that yourself.

I doubt if the OP said she was troubled by her daughter taking drugs or drinking too much that the replies on this thread would be so nasty.

OP, I think offering to look after the kids is a good thing to do. What about telling her that you want to lose weight and asking if she wants to join you.

@catflycat but when living in an oversized body is statistically proven time and again to carry significant health implications then surely as a caring human being you would want to preserve life and encourage change? Even more so if it’s a close relative or friend? It’s no different to having a relation who is addicted to heroin or alcohol, the repercussions for them and everyone else can be catastrophic regardless of the stigma surrounding it.

How does a grandparent explain the death or serious illness of their grandchild’s parent due to obesity without wondering if there was anything more they could have done to prevent it, did they exhaust every avenue?

There is research to suggest the stigma around living in a bigger body is actually more of a health risk for people then the physical affects of living in a bigger body

Can you point to this evidence please?

Try to build her confidence- tell her about all of the things that she has done well in life- be genuine- notice the things that she does well. Feeling criticised leads to demotivation and possibly to weight gain, praise is much more motivating.

I think there is something in your theory and that body dysmorphia may play a part, perhaps driven by social media.

of my two step daughters, one is convinced she is a size 19 because she buys stretchy clothes in vanity sizes and squeezes into them.

The other only ever posts heavily edited or strategically shot so that she actually looks quite slim, even though she is size 20/22.

I wonder if constantly seeing the slim version themselves on social media allows them to keep a mental distance from the reality of their weight?

PP did not say body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia is something entirely different.

Quite a few studies linked here..
christyharrison.com/what-is-weight-stigma

This will not be a popular view, but I agree. Vanity sizes, the increase in number of overweight people so it is the norm, euphemisms like 'curvy', comments like 'size 12/14 is slim!', the ability to instantly delete unflattering photos, enabled me to be in denial about my 2 stone excess for years. And I'm not young either.

Unfortunately, the answer to this is that nothing works - ignoring or interfering. Once a person is morbidly obese, the probability of them returning to a healthy BMI is very low (see link below).

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4539812/

Therefore, it's better to ignore and retain a good relationship with your child than interfere and risk losing that.

Is it though? I have read that it's very difficult to show cause and effect - do those health conditions cause people to be in larger bodies, or is it the larger bodies causing those health conditions? This is apparently not as clear cut as we've been led to believe.

But I think the important thing to remember is that people aren't in larger bodies just because they are endlessly eating 😱 We're all a product of our genetics, the environment we live in, the people surrounding us and the things that have happened to us. Dieting isn't the answer, it doesn't work long term (more then 5 years) for most people (apparently less then 5% of people). You could say that being really tall has some poor health outcomes, there's no fix for this, but we don't tell tall people they need to sort themselves out. I think we should be supporting people in having a healthy relationship with food, rather then restricting, and judging, and we need to do something about the diet culture we're all living in, it's so dangerous and also not helpful to judge people by their size and to continue the rhetoric that thinness must be the goal above all else.

Also do you think if someone is addicted to alcohol or heroin that you can talk them out of that? I don't disagree that addiction could be very destructive for their lives and relationships, I'm pretty sure no-one in that position wants to be in that position, but at the end of the day it's up to them to want to make a change or do things differently. You could support that person by looking at the cause, if they wanted to.. Perhaps they are depressed, grieving, have lost hope, don't have security in their home or family. But you can't make them stop using/drinking. Equally if someone had low self esteem or wanted help with improving strength/flexibility/time to do activities they enjoy, you could support them with that, but that should be coming from them, not what you deem is right for them, and shouldn't be centred around weight loss in my opinion.

I think you're last statement is incredibly dramatic, but we all have to make our own choices in life. We all make subjectively good and bad ones, we could all probably do with more support to care for our own well-being. But telling a child they're too fat, showing them pictures of how they looked when they were ill, isn't supportive in my opinion.