My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

[Stressedout65]

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

@Stressedout65 , I wonder whether you could just open up extra opportunities for your DD to let you know about how she's feeling and whether there's anything she would like to change? Just more chances for her to speak, and for you to listen? Then if she is concerned by this, you may be able to help and support? So can you organise a babysitter and take her out? Or go round to help with the childcare and spend some extra time with them all? Anything which might take the pressure off a young mum, and generally just bring you closer, basically.
Good luck. You sound like a caring mother, who's willing to put herself out to help, and cares enough to ask online for advice. Bide your time, and I'm sure your DD will appreciate this.

the health of my child, regardless of age, will always be important to me. The idea that because it’s weight the OP should keep quiet is strange to me. If her child was drinking heavily or taking drugs or abusing her body in any way it’s not unreasonable to address it. She needs to ask how can I help you, are you stress eating etc

And as with previous posters, I agree that soneone being very overweight should be treated in the same way as someone being a drug addict or alcoholic - ie, its fine to discuss it, express concern and try to get them help.
My MIL's obesity has caused the family huge amounts of stress over the last 15 years or so, with her endless weight-related health issues. With a recent diagnosis of heart disease and angina, it now will certainly be what kills her in the end.

If someone is fat (like me) they know they’re fat. They don’t need anyone telling them.

OP I am sorry you have had so many shit responses . Obesity is such a touchy subject on MN . I am in exactly the same situation with one of my adult DC and I am worried sick .
I don’t know the solution but I empathise 💐

She knows.

I know. I have always known. I have had years of 'helpful' advice and 'subtle' stories about others. It doesn't help. Quite the opposite. Please don't say anything. It will make her feel shit and it almost certainly won't be the catalyst for change.

She knows she’s fat, all you’re doing by mentioning it is making her feel like a failure and a disappointment to her. She’s an adult, leave her alone

Totally agree. Not a single fat person in the world is unaware of the fact.
We are reminded and shamed about it constantly. She doesn't need any more from her Mum.

Trust me. She knows she is overweight. And you constantly going on about it is not going to help and will just undermine her self-confidence further.

Back off and leave her to it. It's really rude to comment on someone else's weight, whether you are related to them or not.

It's (not really) great how (almost) everyone projects their own issues onto OP's situation and ends up not treating OP & her adult DD like individuals after all.

@Squills gave good kind advice.

My projection is that my Uni student DD developed anorexia, which to me (my own history of having an ED) is just extreme alternative version of same illness as morbid obesity. DD lies about her eating & weight. She does weird things around food that affect any outing we have with her. Would I prefer her chubby -- hell yes. Would I prefer her morbidly obese : good thing there's no such thing as magic wishes, that one would torture me.

We're mothers and care about our kids so have big opinions about their mistakes & situation. Unhealthy body weight is not a special category for when we become bad people by having those feelings.

I like to hope that the more DD tells her friends about being annie, the less hidden it is & she might get peer support to stop it getting worse. So I asked her to talk about her illness to friends & housemates. Lately, I am wondering if counselling for her underlying anxieties would help too, we could pay for that privately. It's probably an idea I should take to her.

*The difference is that behaviours around alcohol and drug addiction directly affect everyone else.?

Honestly obesity has an impact on the family.

My DP is always tired or finding a spot to sit in, he is tall so its easier to hide while standing.

I had to rescue many DC in play centres where the parents couldn't get in to them or run about playing football.

DC's friends can be cruel.

The addiction flows through the family until the DC are no obese and cannot run about comfortably.

What parent could stand by and let a child self harm ?

Drink ,drugs ,food, abusive relationship , poor mental health - the parent would always worry and want to help

As with all the other self harm categories , your child has to want to change - you can be there , you can offer to support and help but unless your child wants help you can't change them

My daughter is overweight and very aware of it. She suffers from anxiety and self medicates with food.

I tell her she's beautiful. She is. I also say to her to concentrate on getting well and anything else comes later when and if she wants to.

I understand your concerns, but there’s something fundamentally disordered in you holding up her post-illness body as something to aspire to, it would be wise to do some pondering on that. It’s something my mum would do, and she’s the place where I learnt every toxic thing about diets, self loathing and restriction. I ended up in therapy for Binge Eating Disorder.

How does she feel about her body? Does she say she’s unhappy? Is she in denial? People cannot change while ever they don’t see a problem. But equally if she’s perfectly happy as she is, then that contentment and acceptance of herself is the most precious and radical thing a woman can have and it shouldn’t be messed with!

I had ED therapy and ultimately weight loss surgery to lose my excess weight, but I would absolutely not discuss WLS with her unless she’s asking for help and has been for a long time. It’s a massive commitment and you still need to work to get results, lots of people have regain or never lose all of the weight post surgery, to continually make a success of it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to a totally new way of life, there’s lots of women who have WLS abroad but still have a Slimming World or Weight Watchers mindset, wanting to know if they can have a glass of wine while they’re a few days post procedure, etc. But it did give me total freedom from diet culture and self hatred, and a complete reset on life. I will never diet or track anything going into my mouth ever again, I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full, if my body asks me for something, I give it what it wants.

They don't. They absolutely know that it isn't a "cure". It is just that fat people aren't allowed to exist in their bodies and it's acceptable to hide disgust for fat people under the veil of "concern for health".

Also read Fat is a Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach, lots of insight in there about the mother-daughter relationship and diet.

Sorry to hear about your daughter.

The dynamics of anorexia are not the same as obesity.

OP do not say anything to your daughter about her weight . It won’t help and could make things worse. It will also make her feel terrible about herself and damage your relationship.

All you can do is love and support her.

As someone who has been very overweight I'm going against the grain to say you have a frank discussion with her where you tell her she is fat and endangering her health, she is in denial, and she is only kidding herself. Then you set out how you will support her to lose weight - do the school run so she can exercise, babysit, pay for hello fresh deliveries, whatever you have in mind. Then step back and hope she listens. She'll probably argue, tell you to leave her alone you're not supportive etc etc at first. It may be tough, you have to emphasise you love her and want her to live a long and happy life. Depending on your relationship she may take it badly. But if you don't say it, will anyone? Are you going to let her eat herself into an early grave because you were too polite to say anything?

She’s an adult. Of course you care about her health, but unfortunately her weight is absolutely none of your business. Her body, her choice.

Nagging her about it will simply make her feel like shit. I know this from experience. She knows she is overweight and she doesn’t need you telling her. Either she is overweight and miserable about it, in which case you dropping hints about it will make her feel worse, or she is overweight and OK with it, in which case she needs to be left alone because she is an adult and not a child.

I have been overweight and if my mum had made a big deal about that it would have made me feel absolutely awful and certainly not encouraged to do anything about it.

Nutritional Nurse at the GP?! 😆I think GP’s are struggling for garden variety nurses never mind special nutritional ones.

A dietician however…I think GP surgery would need to refer her to whoever is contracted to provide Tier 3 weight management services in the area. But this adult woman needs to make these decisions and appointments herself.

I am going to go against the mood of the thread and say that when my mom gently pointed out that I was collecting weight around my belly in peri-menopause, it made me sit up and take notice. Diabetes runs in my family and while my BMI is still under 25, I need to work at staving it off. I didnt tell her to STFU. It actually made me feel more loved.

Diet culture does far more harm than accepting yourself as you are. MN is a prime example of that.

Would you say that to a parent whos dd is anorexic? Her body her choice.

All you can do is to offer other types of help that ease her overall struggle and not mention her weight. Since she is knackered every day, it's a vicious circle of exhaustion and focus on her kids. And probably comfort eating through misery. Could you take the kids to do something on a regular basis without mentioning that you'd like her to exercise? Can you do anything else to help her not be knackered?

The will to lose weight has to come from her. All you can really do is build up her resources, with unconditional love and acceptance and practical help that makes her life a bit easier.