My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

[Stressedout65]

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

Yanbu but as this thread shows, it’s a very sensitive issue. Both of my step daughters have weight issues, one finds it easier to manage than the other, and stays at the top end of overweight. The other is morbidly obese.

It is devastating for their father, who tries so hard to model good behaviour, fitness and healthy eating, but their eating patterns were set in childhood by their mother, who herself was a yo yo dieter.

Unfortunately when they do lose weight, it’s always from a quick fix, and never sustained. I also suspect the partner of the morbidly obese daughter is a feeder, as she has put on even more weight since they got together, despite the partner keeping himself fit.

For some reason society doesn’t like us talking about obesity and we are not allowed to express concern in the same way we could if someone was drinking or snorting themselves to an early grave. You have every right to be concerned about your daughter, just as OH has every right to be concerned about his daughter. The one true thing is that the fix for the issue has to come from your daughter. Getting fit and healthy takes time and effort, and once you get there it still needs time and effort. Society makes it much easier to give up and make excuses, and starts the spiral into self loathing.

I hope your daughter learns to love herself enough to realise she and her body are worth taking care of. Good luck.

If she was slowly killing herself and doing something that was limiting her life that wasn't related to weight people would be rushing in with advice on how to approach and support her, but no can't possibly offer that to someone who is fat in case- shock horror- you offend them. There are plenty of ways to broach it and offer practical support beyond wow you are really fat if you didn't know.

OP its a tricky one as it's hard to see a love one destroying themselves, I'd just check in on how she is doing and see if there's anything major going on that you can help with.

Can you offer practical support? You said she has young children. Could you mind them while she goes for a walk? Or clean the house so she has energy to exercise? What about helping her batch cook for a day? So she has some healthy easy food in the freezer? Take the children so she can email plan, shop and put stuff away?

I am fat. I am losing weight with the help of a gastric sleeve. It's awful being fat and uncomfortable but also at the heavy weight I struggled to do the basic of managing my family and home so there was no left over energy to do the things I knew would help me lose weight.

OP has already said in her post that she has offered to mind the DC.

She will absolutely know that she needs to lose weight.
She will also be aware of all the health risks.
She will desperately want to lose the weight.
She may be trying really hard but struggling for whatever reason - depression, comfort eating, health issues. It could be anything.

I'm sure that you drawing attention to it will make it 100% worse for her no matter how good your attentions.
You won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know.
How do you know she doesn't already look longingly at photos of her skinnier days and cry every night?

What about offering to pay for a cleaner once a week? It would reduce the amount of work she has to do which would give her more emotional energy to put behind eating more mindfully/exercising. If she’d feel offended how about offering to babysit just so she could have some time to use as she chooses, don’t make your help conditional on her using the time as you want.

I'm not sure that i'd mind my mum mentioning it ( I haven't seen her for a while and have put on covid weight) - partly because she struggled with her weight for years and also because it would seem artificial if she didn't. What i would find offensive is that if she kept mentioning it as if I was stupid or it was the most important thing about me.
It sounds as if her bigger problem is being tired and juggling a lot- maybe if you help with this then she will feel better in herself and more able to tackle other problems - but you;ve got to do it to resolve those issues not as a means to an end

The thing is, the motivation has to be there to begin with.

Someone could pay for a cleaner for my house, babysit my kids and pay for a gym membership for me and yet I’d probably in all honesty just sit on my arse and eat chocolate or drive to McDonald’s and treat myself to a Big Mac.

I haven’t always been like this - I was a size 8/10 most of my adult life and then I was diagnosed with autoimmune issues at 37 and due to medications and pain I’ve put on a lot of weight. Im now an 18/20 and I have absolutely zero motivation to do anything about it. I kid myself that I do but I don’t really. I have no will power.

All the good intentioned “help” in the world isn’t going to gift me the willpower.

When I put on weight I get comments from family members . I can take it. And you know, it makes me lose the weight. Sometimes you don't see it going on as you get used to being bigger. Nothing wrong with a gentle chat. Don't know why such a sensitive issue. It's harmful to her health she is your child and its okay to worry. Xxxx

Commenting on another's weight in a damaging way is inappropriate.

Body positivity for people with unhealthy bodies is worse.

Really tough issue, but obesity kills, in all sorts of ways including things like ovarian cancer being harder to diagnose and operate on if the patient is overweight.

OP is right to worry, right to want to do something - the only issue is what to do, given the potential to do more harm than good by speaking. Horrible situation all round.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her you’re really worried about her health.

If she was terribly underweight, I don’t think people would be so against saying something.

Butt out

Lots of people saying 'she will know she is fat, she will know the health issues'. Fine.

So she is still doing nothing about it. Does that not indicate that there are other issues (same for everyone else saying that they are fat and know the health issues). There is surely still some level of denial?

How do people come out of denial? It is only through conversation. Not nasty judgemental conversation, but yes, conversations.

It is crueler to never mention it. It is an elephant in the room, clouded in shame, and the only way to break down that shame is by having open, honest, empathetic conversations.

Sometimes I really wonder how families work going by Mumsnet:

OP - "My son's arm is hanging off and he won't go to A&E"
Mumsnet: "OP it's none of your business! You sound so interfering! It's not your arm!!"

Honestly! OP, it must be hard but I do think you need to address it with your her. Yes she knows and I suppose it depends on the type of relationship you have with her but my mother and I communicate very honestly - to a level deeper than just 'any other adult'.

To be clear, I believe that ultimately people are overweight because they eat too many calories, often of the wrong food compared to what their body needs.

I also believe that some people are incredibly lucky and can eat what they like and not put on weight, for others eating the right amount for their body is next to impossible. Most slim people would be overweight if they had an overweight person's metabolism and propensity to feel hungry, and vice versa.

Leave her alone. It's understandable that you're worried but commenting on it (even peripherally like making pointed comments about enjoying eating healthy salad/doing sport yourself) will just make her feel worse and probably worsen the issue. Focus on being a loving support to her WITHOUT JUDGING HER. If she mentions her weight, acknowledge that losing weight can be hard and then move swiftly on.

I genuinely don't think the advice to "shut the fuck up" is helpful. Your daughter knows she is overweight, and will only lose weight if she wants to. I don't think that a kind conversation coming from a point of genuine concern is a problem. Don't criticise her, and don't tell her she's fat, but make it obvious that you're worried about her. Then leave it. Don't nag, don't ask her if she's started dieting or whatever, just let her know that you're there to support her.

Would you say that to a parent whos dd is anorexic? Her body her choice

I wish people would stop equating obesity with anorexia. Obesity is a health condition that builds up over a long period of time as a result of bad habits, poor diet, lack of exercise... anorexia is a mental health condition.
If you tell someone they're obese and should do something about it for their own good they could say "OK, I'll lose weight"; an anorexic person, on the other hand, can't just say "OK, I'll stop being anorexic." They need specialist help, and have a mental health issue to overcome.

Why don't you ask her how she actually is? Is she happy? Is she worried? Let her tell you if she's actually worried about her weight. Do not bring it up. Show an interest in the whole person, don't assume you know what she feels or what she is thinking about. Then and only then (after time) can you have a conversation about if there's anything she would like to do to change anything in her life. By which I mean introduce the notion of change without saying what YOU think the change should look like! Then you can offer to support her or help. You can definitely do something but it's not the way you think.

What I'm saying is that you need to be a safe space for her to open up or ask for help, not someone with all the answers to the problems you imagine she has. I know this may sound harsh, but telling people what they "ought" to do very rarely helps ime. First steps are being genuinely curious about what is going on for her under the surface stuff about being busy with kids / job etc.

Yup. And notice not one bit of concern for mental health here from the fat phobes. All they’re concerned about is getting the wobbly people to not be so disgusting anymore.

Leave your daughter alone she will lose weight if and when she’s ready to. If she’s happy that’s all that’s matters doesn’t matter what you think

Feel for you OP and not sure why you're getting these aggressive 'none of your business' type comments. She's your child, and it's understandable that you're worried - maybe about her emotional as well as physical wellbeing.
It's tricky though because, as others have said, it's really up to the individual to decide when and how to address their weight. I know my mum has always worried about mine, and would speak to me about it if she could, but she can't because I don't want the conversation with her (for various reasons, not all of which will be the same for your DD), so very quickly put up defences. It wouldn't help at all if she showed me old photos of myself, told me I was overweight or offered to pay for slimming clubs.
It's a tough situation for you because her weight and lifestyle are not within your control. Carry on being kind and supportive to her, I guess. I'm sure she knows you care.

Obesity and mental health are very much related, and it’s absolutely pig ignorant to think otherwise. Educate yourself on the matter before weighing in with such shitty false narratives. Also, if it was as easy as just saying “ok I’ll lose weight” there would be no fat people, no one wants to be obese. Get your head out of your arse.

I think you're doing the right thing by telling her actually coming from someone who is overweight herself.
It is easy to be in denial and think you are a bit overweight when really you are more than a bit and risking your health.

It took me a long time to try and do something about it and recognise I needed to start dieting, mostly gradual things like recognising certain clothes weren't fitting anymore. Feeling embarrassed in public around healthier people, sometimes I think you need to hear and see it for yourself for it to sink in.

I don't think the comments telling you to shut the fuck up are helpful, when you are expressing perfectly normal concern and even offering to help.

The helpful pointing out of the obvious was really bad for me mentally. I honestly can't emphasise this enough, overweight people know they are overweight. It doesn't matter what angle a person is coming from, it is not helpful to have it pointed out. Quite the opposite. My nana used to tell me how worried she was about me, it made me want to curl up into a fucking ball and die. What actually happened was that over time I became more and more depressed and the more helpful comments (because it won't just be OP who says something to her DD - there are always others) the more I ATE.

I'm now 20 stone and understand I have an eating disorder that won't be cured by a concerned relative.