My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

[Stressedout65]

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

my adult son is very overweight. When he has asked me, I have offered support and advice. Otherwise I say nothing at all. I love him whatever weight he is, and I know mentioning it will not help. So I don't. If he asks or wants to share HIS concerns he knows I will listen. Im worried. but Its not my place to comment

Self destruct?! Don't be so utterly hysterical! Being overweight is not self destructing ffs!

Get a grip

It's tricky. My parents are European so say it like it is and as much as it pisses me off at the time, I do listen. They live in Spain and diet is healthier, everyone is slimmer, weather is hotter so extra weight is more uncomfortable. I always lose weight easily when there.

I live in the UK and although a few stones overweight, there are a lot of people heavier than me. I'm a size 14 when I should be a 12.

My parents have always been open about the fact that they could easily put on weight. What they do if they gain a few lbs is cut back for a few weeks so it never becomes excessive. Living in that environment is easy.

Here, where it is normal to be bigger, it is easy to gain a considerable amount which is in turn a lit harder to lose.

But it is tricky. We all know we are overweight. We all know what we need to do. Many of us struggle.

When food is your comfort, it isn't something you can cut out like alcohol or cigarettes.

However, a lot of people want a quick win when in fact slowly but surely would be a lot easier and more effective.

Anyway, as both a parent and as a child, I dont think there is a right or wrong answer.

I would approach Hello Fresh etc with caution in this scenario as the cooking is quite labour intensive and takes up a large proportion of the evening, which isn’t going to help OP’s daughter if she already feels overloaded and exhausted.

DP and I used HelloFresh but we take breaks of a few weeks at a time because it does take up such a lot of time. 45 minutes of active prep/cooking time along with all the clean up, pots, etc is a significant chunk of the evening if you don’t get in till 6pm for example.

Doing some healthy batch cooking for her daughter to stock up the freezer might be a nice idea though. Chicken and spinach curry provided with some sachet micro rice, spaghetti bolognaise with low fat mince and lots of veg, etc. OP could even get some copies of nice HF recipes to recreated on a larger scale to portion up in takeaway pots. I have a massive binder of all our HF recipe cards that I would be more than happy to photograph and PM to OP if she thinks it’s something she could/wants to do that would be well received by her daughter.

@hamstersarse You should be ashamed of yourself, especially that last sentence

My sympathies, but there is really nothing you can do. I'm sure she does realise, but the only person who can lose the weight is her, and she's the one who has to want to.

It's really difficult but unfortunately the desire to lose weight has to come from within. All you can do is support any effort she makes to lose the weight.
I watched DH piling on the pounds over the years - which he coped with in his early 30s but as he got older he developed high blood pressure, sleep apnoea and T2 diabetes. It was only when insulin started to be mentioned that he decided to do something about it, but god knows what damage has been done. That is the reality of being overweight for many, unfortunately.

Yes it is self destructive - just because obesity often takes longer than alcoholism or drugs to shorten life span, it makes it no less self destructive.

Obesity is linked to cancers as well as the more obvious mobility and heart issues.

Self destruction in slow motion is no less heartbreaking for parents to watch, especially when something can be done, even if that ‘something’ has to come from the person and is bloody hard work.

What she needs is support to feel less tired. If she feels less tired she will make better choices. I can guarantee she already knows that the weight is having an impact on her but is feeling defensive.
Can you take the children out regularly so she gets a break or meet up with your daughter to have some fun? Changing how she feels will make her more able/receptive to making other positive changes.

It is a form of self harm, just the same as drug and alcohol addiction. Over eating is an unhealthy coping mechanism, we have just normalised it as a society.
And I say this as someone who is obese themselves

It's such a tough one, and I can see that you're coming from a place of care over your daughters health - both for herself and her kids.

But genuinely, showing her photos of "before/after" and continuing to pressure her in conversations will definitely make things worse. Not only will she have her own internal sense of judgement (because believe me, she will know and be judging herself) but she will feel the judgement of her own mother.

Speaking as someone who was previously very overweight who had an ex who continually brought up my weight under the guise of "caring" for me (when realistically, he was just judging the shit out of me for seemingly be lazy, whilst I worked a full time job, ran a household and did most of the parenting) it honestly just made things ten times worse. I felt judged and ashamed not only by him but by my own internal narrative. It didn't help me tackle the weight, it just made me feel shitty and unloved.

I did lose weight eventually, on my own terms, and whilst I'm still not "slim" (I'm a good 3 stone away from that), I'm so much more comfortable in my skin, and most of that weight came off when I split up with my ex and could just breathe.

You making this point over and over again to her will make things worse. Leave her alone. She sounds busy and probably has far more important things to be thinking about that you going on about her weight. How you feel about how she looks is your problem not hers.

No you should not show her photos of herself before she gained weight! Why on earth would you think that would be helpful or appropriate? If my mother did this I would absolutely die inside. When I first started reading your OP I was going to sympathise with you but I would suggest you just leave her alone and stay out of it because by the sound of it you’re only going to do more harm than good IMO. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I’m sure you have good intentions and are very concerned about your daughter.

Worry quietly, talk to a friend.

You've already mentioned it and made helpful suggestions, she knows the offer is available, say no more about it.

Compliment your DD on her skills, her clothing.

Book a nice lunch for her while you take the DC.

You cannot seriously be considering showing her a picture from when she had just recovered from an illness in a 'sorry about the cancer, but at least you were thinner then' sort of way?!!

Listen, fat people know we're fat. We have eyes. We are literally living in these bodies. Leave us be. There is nothing you can say which won't upset her.

Obviously it goes without saying that she's an adult who knows she is overweight and it's her right to diet or not as she sees fit.
But as her mother, it is also your right to be upset if she is damaging her health.
In your shoes I would say to her 'I'm worried about your health because of your weight. If there is any help or support you need, with babysitting, with meal planning, going for walks together, just let me know. I'm not going to mention this again, but wanted you to know the offer is there'
Then make sure you never mention is again. No gentle hints, no asking how it's going. No reference to her weight at all unless she raises it herself.

But @5128gap the OP has gently mentioned it and offered babysitting - she says so in her post. So doesn't that mean she's already at the "say nothing" part of your advice?

When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some.

I am not sure why, but this line in particular stuck out to me.

I also wonder how much you weigh/what size clothes you wear and what you believe your daughter weighs or know what size clothing she wears ?

What? Have an empathetic conversation is a shameful thing to say?

wonders will never cease

OP, whatever you do, you will push away your daughter from you. I know, because my mum was like this to my sister. She commented on her weight (of good intentions), but it was really hurtful for my sister and she still remembers it. She doesn't have healthy relationship with the food since mum's comments. She feels guilty every time she eats something. And she's not even obese. She's overweight, always been, because that's her metabolism and her body type.

What? Have an empathetic conversation is a shameful thing to say?
I think pp mistakenly took the elephant in the room comment as a dig not a figure of speech.

Hi op
🌈yanbu but I would not say anything to her.
Maybe offer to babysit so she can rest,once she's got more energy she might feel like making some changes.
Good luck.

Possibly. Depends on how she's done it previously. I'm suggesting a one off statement where the OP is crystal clear that she's worried and why, followed by the offer of help, and then a line drawn. I got the impression that there has been a series of comments about her daughter's size that the daughter has then become defensive about and some back and forth about 'you look bigger' 'I weigh the same' ' maybe you could excercise' 'I don't have time' and so on.
And the OP clearly doesn't feel she's at the point where she should do/say nothing, so as a last ditch attempt its preferable to the photographs.

Do not say anything
It's not your business and it won't go down well.

She may well come back with things she dosent like about you and before you know it its gone downhill.

It can be very difficult to watch this happen, I know OP. I’d say it’s no different to watching someone with other addiction issues making poor choices.

Ultimately she has to want to do this for herself even though her inaction could bring her health issues and potentially shorten her life expectancy. Some people do have a problematic relationship with food and you have to accept that it’s their own battle to fight despite what you may think is right or best for her.