My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

[Stressedout65]

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

I have to admit I don't seek family advice on MN because I don't relate to it. Parents don't stop worrying about their adult DC because they are adult. Also baffled by the aggression on this thread.

Yep you just leave her alone I’m afraid. If she wants to talk to you about it that’s different.

Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t think talking to your adult child about a health concern you have for them is fat shaming? If my child smoked I would speak to them and show my disapproval.. yes smoking is a choice someone has made and weight is often not ‘chosen’ but OP says her daughter is doing no exercise which is a choice I think. I know I would certainly be heavier if I didn’t exercise and I force myself to do it for my long term health. Unless there’s an alternative reason for the circumstances she is in I can’t say. If you can’t talk to her and offer your support in her life towards a healthier lifestyle perhaps you could take the kids to something each week so she has a block of time free for herself regularly. Best of luck to both of you xxxx

This

Les Mills on Demand (4 months £16.00) and Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon PHD (£10.00 WH Smith). You can buy both of these for her for under £30. I have been obese since I was 8 years old and I wish my mother had addressed it then. Both my parents are obese as to are my siblings. My child is a healthy weight. My one aim in life was to break the obesity cycle. You are justified in being concerned as you do not want your daughter's children to become part of a generational obesity cycle.

It is a hugely sensitive and emotive topic and to an extent I agree that we need to develop the ability to talk openly and objectively about body weight and its impact on health. I was in hospital next to a lady who was obese and she put a complaint in against her consultant for "fat shaming" because he dared to suggest that some of her many health issues could be exacerbated by her weight and explained how a healthier lifestyle could benefit her. I don't think the level of oversensitivity we have as a society around weight is always helpful.

That said, of course someone with a weight problem is always going to be made to feel worse by judgment and criticism and that's not going to help them overcome anything. I think the important thing is to make sure the conversation focuses on their health and wellbeing rather than their appearance. It's important to separate those things despite the links between them. You wouldn't tell a drug addicted adult child that they needed to give up because it's making them look ugly - you'd talk about the impact on their health and longevity, because you love them and want them to have a happy healthy long life, right? So why is it different with body weight? You absolutely shouldn't tell her she's "too fat" or comment on her appearance AT ALL or use photos to make your point. But explaining how concerned you are for her health and wellbeing, once only without following up with nagging, and then supporting her in any subsequent attempts she makes to adjust her lifestyle - that's absolutely ok and I'm surprised people thing that's a damaging conversation to have.

I would carry on being kind and supportive but I would stop commenting on anything to do with weight/diet/exercise for now.
If she is that overweight, exercise will make little difference the only thing that will help is a change of diet and eating habits in the long term.

Happy healthy people do not tend to overeat. Sounds like she may have low self
esteem. Are there any underlying problems you can help with? What about a partner (if she has one) are there problems in the relationship?

Agree with others, those of us who are overweight know that we are overweight. My DM (from a place of kindness and concern I am sure) has done everything suggested on this thread, paid for a cleaner to give me more 'time', accompanied me to slimming clubs, paid for gym memberships so many over the years, taken me to health farms, looked after my DC so I can get to exercise classes etc etc. Some of these work in the short term but I remain overweight because I am greedy and love food.

Constantly going on about it will not make any difference.

@Worldgonecrazy ""For some reason society doesn’t like us talking about obesity and we are not allowed to express concern in the same way we could if someone was drinking or snorting themselves to an early grave.""

I came on to say something like this. Maybe you can guess from my name drink was/ is my issue (sober a nice while now but the issue will always be there). I was functioning and I think some of the signs were harder to see. But once my family started to see them my god they pushed me!

The things everyone is saying about OPs DD - she's not stupid, she knows, she's a grown woman. I was all of those thing but I still was in denial. Also someone said that parents/ loved ones pointing out their weight didn't make them want to change, well it didn't make me want to stop drinking either, in fact it did the complete opposite. I thought I am a grown woman I can handle myself what do they know, I am not going to do what they say. But untimely without their meddling I would not have sought help.

Over eating to the point of morbid obesity (unless on some meds) is an addiction and it is because you are masking something in there. Many of us can become a little over weight/ chubby due to easy life style/ very easy access to high cal foods but extreme over weight comes from massively over eating. OP something is up with your DD. She needs help and who better to help there than her mum. Honestly without my family strong arming me to wake up I would not have sought help. I would not have taken those steps if I was allowed to remain comfortable.

I am not suggesting for one minute you shame her for being over weight just talk to her find out what is going on. How is she feeling. Tell her you are concerned for her health, that this isn't because you care how skinny she is! If she was a healthy active size 16/18 I can't imagine you would care about her weight. I know plenty of people in that category. Yet they are at higher risk for certain things and it wouldn't hurt to lose some weight but they can also do a charity park run

In this country we tend not to mention someone's weight and just tell people they're still beautiful if they mention being fat. It's different in other countries. I have friends and family from all over the world and if someone puts on weight their families will say "Look, you're getting fat! Time to cut down. Eat less." It's not seen as so acceptable to let yourself get fat. Having said that I don't know if you talking to her will help. She needs to really be motivated to lose weight. If she's feeling down about herself or life in general she's probably not in the right place to make those changes.

The OP clearly said in her opening post that she has 'gently mentioned it' so she has addressed the issue but there is absolutely no point going on and on about it. I know I could lose weight and be healthier if I stuck to 1800 calories a day and did 30 mins exercise every day ... writing that down it doesn't sound too bad but I enjoy my food, I enjoy my lifestyle and don't want to limit my food intake and faff about with exercise (yes, I've tried everything ).

Some people are in denial about their weight and have lost sight of how big they actually are. I include myself in that, I am a healthy weight now but after having DS my weight crept up- I could squeeze into a size 20 but only if it was elasticated; I told myself it's not that big. I started to get out of breath easily and blamed it on all sorts, I had to be weighed and actually couldn't believe I was over 18 stone. I'd been 11 since I was a teen (I'm tall so that was healthy). I was mortified, I hadn't really seen myself in photos as I didn't let anyone take any of me, but I look back now and realise how large I was. If I hadn't have been weighed I expect I would have carried on buying stretchy and baggy clothes and convincing myself it wasn't that bad.

tldr: yes fat people know they're fat, a lot in denial about how big

There is really no need for posters to be so rude about it, but they are right. Those who are saying 'Being concerned is not the same as fat shaming' or 'If it were any other health problem you'd be offering help, so why not with this?' are missing the point.

Of course it's understandable that the OP is worried. So would anyone be. But the parent's good motives are completely irrelevant. The only important thing is the effect her words will have on her daughter.

The OP might not mean 'Ugh you're so fat. How do I have such a fat daughter? I'm disappointed in you and want you to change', but the chances are that's what the daughter will hear. Not only will it not make the dd lose weight, it also risks poisoning their relationship, as the dd will associate the relationship with guilt and failure.

My daughter is overweight and I did worry about it, my sister's daughter, niece, is also overweight.

My advice to you is not to worry about it. How I cope, and my sister agrees with this, is to compliment their looks and what clothes they are wearing. Daughter and niece know they are overweight. My lovely first born daughter has lost a bit of weight lately, but I never mention that, I just increase the compliments on her appearance. She's beautiful, as is my niece.

It's tricky because all you want to do is protect them.

Take care xx

I'm in the same situation, my eldest has put on around 5/6 stone since having children, and it's all on her lower abdomen and legs. It's worrying me sick, to be honest, and they're away on holiday at the moment which means a solid week of junk food and she'll be back 1/2 stone heavier.

I don't know how I can help her and feel I've set this example to her by being overweight myself though I've recently lost 4 stone and know only too well how hard it is ......

I am overweight, yes it isn't ideal for my health. BUT what am I going to do? Live forever? Drop my actual responsibilities. Its necessary that I'm low on my list of priorities. If daily life is a struggle for her, being g tired, working hard I suggest supporting her in her actual life (not things you suggest, it comes from her) and building her up. The chances are she is too tired and that is not an "excuse".
You sound over invested.

I used to be slim and now am (very) overweight. I am well aware of this and have struggled for years with self-esteem and always feel really self-conscious about being overweight. There's absolutely no way that any unsolicited weight-related advice or comments are welcome from anyone. I'm not in denial or unaware or stupid, it's just the one area of my life I can't seem to get right. I'm a good mother of four, I work hard at my job(s), I manage every other area of my life just fine, but just not weight.

If my mum tried to bring up the subject i would be very hurt. I know I am overweight and I have tried (many times) to address it sensibly, not by crash-dieting or excessive exercise. I just can't seem to lose weight (not helped by health issues).

I would advise to leave well alone. Please don't make unsolicited comments or give advice under the umbrella of concern. Your daughter will already know she is overweight. It's impossible not to know! Every trip to the GP, whether for an ear infection, cough, muscle issue, weight seems to be the priority. It's like medical staff can only see a fat person and can't consider that fat people get unwell for non-fat reasons too, just like everyone else. I would try to love and support your daughter just the way she is.

Les Mills on Demand (4 months £16.00) and Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon PHD (£10.00 WH Smith). You can buy both of these for her for under £30.

I don't even have words to describe how I would feel if somebody bought me these

"Your arms hanging off.... are you doing anything about it? Your arm didn't used to be hanging off... Leave it any longer and your arm will fall off"

Sounds a bit patronising doesn't it? Perhaps if OP was suggesting providing realistic and non judgemental support to her DD the answers would be different.

My DM makes any opportunity to talk about weight and food a time to start thinly veiled criticisms about me and my weight. Until i was an adult she would tell me I was fat and talk about how disgusting fat people were.

She's never told me she's proud of my achievements (except for weight loss related ones). It doesn't make me want to lose weight, it makes me feel worthless and low. Perhaps the time to act would have been when I was an obese five year old.

Is there anything you can do to do it with her?

Is she a single mother or does she have a partner? If the latter can you do a walk on a set night every week or go swimming together?

Could you get her a subscription to one of those meal plan things where they send you everything to help readjust her expectations of portion size etc?

I understand why you are worried. I had a lovely friend who was always large who dropped dead at 31. The risks are real and while it's an emotional subject, we don't ignore alcoholism in the same way

Agree. Though it is not being beautiful, but about being healthy.

The pp who mentioned the woman who filed a complaint against her GP for fat shaming her.... this is ridiculous. I was told by my GP that I am at extra risk of diabetes in the future because I am Asian ( though my BMI is under 25). I didn't accuse her of race shaming me. It's true.

Golly, you're quite the rudest and most vulgar poster I've come across on here for a long time. With your fine debating skills, and reasonable language you call me "pig ignorant"???

Yes, thanks, I do know something about obesity and anorexia, through direct and indirect experience, study and work. Yes, mental health difficulties MAY be involved in obesity, but as a comorbidity: it is not a MH condition in itself.
Did you notice (in your rush to be aggressively vulgar and nasty) that I wrote "could" in italics? As in, it was a possibility?
My point was, as many on here have said, that someone may have it in their power to overcome obesity. Of course it's not easy. I never suggested it was. It takes a huge amount of time, effort and willpower that can be difficult to muster up. Like climbing a mountain.

Anorexia IS an actual mental health condition. The treatment is quite different that of obesity.

Hi Op, could you just help out in practical ways that would then free your daughter up a bit to be less tired? Sounds like she’s on a hamster wheel with work and children and doesn’t have the energy for much else. For me, my diet goes to pot when I’m busy and tired. It takes time, willpower, organisation and commitment to eat well and fit in exercise. Something has to give when you’re constantly busy.

Could you offer to cook once or twice a week, look after the children so she can have time to herself. By taking some of the pressure off her, it might allow her to catch her breath and focus a bit more on herself. If you acknowledge she’s probably knackered and offer practical help, and encourage her to have some ‘’me time” without judgement or conditions attached, she might eventually turn to you for advice on how to start balancing her load a bit better, including time for exercise etc.

I suggest you find a hobby.

Wow OP, you're utterly vile. You sound obsessed with weight. Your poor, poor daughter must feel unloved & undervalued.

Please get some help and back off from your daughter. Give the poor girl a break