My adult child is very overweight & I'm worried

[Stressedout65]

I'll probably get flamed for fat shaming, but this is my adult child I'm talking about and I'm worried. When she hit puberty she started to become chubby. Then she did really well and lost some. She did have an illness a few years back which was not the cause of this weight gain but prevented her from exercising at all. Now she is over her illness and in a sedentary job, does not exercise and is more overweight than she has ever been. I have gently mentioned it to her, but she lies to me and herself by saying she's the same weight. I can see with my own eyes she's not. I have offered to baby sit so she can go to the gym/swimming and pay but she makes an excuse about being shattered by the time kids go to bed and she has to be up very early for school run & work, which is true.
What do I do? Show her photos of how she was at the end of her illness compared to how she is now? Be brutal about it? I'm so worried for her future health. She has small children. At the rate she's growing she'll end up on a mobility scooter. She needs to do something for her children's sake and her own future health. I don't want to upset her though as she's a grown up - but she's still my child

Exactly this.

She knows. However kindly meant, hassling her or even the most "subtle" of hints will just put more barriers up for her.

All you can do is help her to feel better about herself and ease her life a bit.She knows she is overweight and doesn't need anyone making her feel worse about it.

I am in your position and also had a mother who went on about my weight.
What I do is just listen and support. Like I do in every aspect of their lives. If she is struggling, offer help. Muck in with the kids, pay for the odd treat, show her how much you love her for herself.

I'd be worried, too, OP and it's clear that you care about your daughter's wellbeing rather than looks, but...

I've recently lost - and am still losing - weight, and if my mum had said to me at any point that I needed to lose weight or was looking bigger or something I'd have told her to STFU and been pretty annoyed. I knew. Your daughter knows. Saying anything will just make her feel embarrassed and annoyed and perhaps avoid seeing you.

You can
but my mum tried it once. I didn’t speak to her for about six weeks. She knows to be quiet now.

it’s beyond stupid to think a fat person doesn’t know they are fat.

It's awful watching someone who you love self destruct knowing without hard work things will only get worse.

My DM was a slim woman she piled on 7 stone through illnesses and over eating in her 60's she could barely walk before she died her knees and back were wrecked.

If an adult child was abusing alcohol or drugs it would be fine to comment

if an adult child is abusing food it is a disgrace to comment

Got it.

Of course you should be able to have a conversation, it doesn’t mean you are judging, it doesn’t mean you are a disgusting monster….it’s just what should be normal. She’s a young woman who should be in her fitness prime, and it should never be normalised to be obese and knackered

It’s such a difficult subject to handle easily.
She will already know she’s overweight, and there is nothing worse than a thin person ( however kind their intentions) telling you you have to lose the pounds.
From my own experience of weight loss, you have to get your own head in the right place first , and until that happens other people telling to to eat less just makes it all worse.

She will know and she has to decide for herself when she wants to lose weight.
When I was in the same boat people commenting and making suggestions just made me say the same, that I was the same weight etc to shut down the Convo as I didn't need or want a lecture.
She has to decide for herself when she wants to embark on the weightloss journey and she may want to do that privately so she doesn't have to deal with o judgement about if it fluctuates up and down.

it’s beyond stupid to think a fat person doesn’t know they are fat.
Likewise an alcoholic and drug addict knows their issues doesn't mean family members won't be worried or fear their inevitable early death.
Gorging on food, incapacitating your body, encasing your organs with visceral fat is a food addiction.
Ignoring it, pretending it isn't happening is beyond stupid.

I think mostly the same, but I wouldn't assume she knows the impact on her health. It's amazing what adults on here don't seem to understand, and they are supposed to be very well educated, hard working and upper class or middle class people. Yet they think flushing tampons down a toilet is ok. So I wouldn't assume she understands fully that the fat in her body is damaging her internal organs, that her heart is working over time so it will beat for less time, that she is more at risk of heart disease, clots, diabetes, some cancers, arthritis etc. It could mean she needs surgery in future just to be able to walk. If it gets worse, it could mean her children become her carers or that she at least needs a carer at a young age.

But it's a difficult thing to discuss and she is in denial. You can't force someone to see that they need to change, most you can do is be there to support them when they have decided they want help. As someone else suggested though, you could maybe offer to take the children a few days after school to give her a break? She might be less tired then and be more up to it.

I think you are a very caring and supportive mother who is clearly worried about the health of your daughter. You’ve offered childcare help and offered to pay for swimming/gym. I don’t really know what more you can do. When your child becomes an adult it’s very hard to sit back and say nothing.

I think YANBU to be concerned and to have offered childcare time and finance for exercise. But I agree with others that nothing you say is likely to help. With any luck, your DD will sort things out in her own time, so keep those options open for her when she wants to.

But it’s the same as any addiction. You can tell a drug addict or an alcoholic to stop, but until they’ve decided they want to change things for themselves, someone else telling them is not going work.

I wasn't intending to post but seeing so many angry, goady people basically saying 'shut the fuck up' I wanted to offer something that hopefully wasn't cruel. I think you need to forget the weight aspect and think that your daughter is feeling overwhelmed - if you want to help you could take away some of the load - share the school run, babysit - just to give her a break - don't suggest the gym or swimming that is for her to decide.

This is me!! And Op my parents and whole family are super fit. My mum is 65 and wears a size 8 and runs every six days a week with my dad who is also super fit and at 2m2cm tall weighs less than me! But unfortunately the more they talk to me about it, the less motivation I have to do anything 🙁don't know why

The difference is that behaviours around alcohol and drug addiction directly affect everyone else. It's not just worry about the person dying of alcohol it's the fact that they will kill themselves and harm you when under the influence of it.

Plus everyone knows that telling an alcoholic not to drink is utterly pointless. So your argument and language just looks purely disgust-based and nothing to do with 'health'.

runs six days a week*

Obesity does impact others

You have to adapt activities and travel arrangements for a start, I wouldn’t dream of saying to go for a 10km walk to my obese friends / relatives, or playing tennis or even going on certain holidays. They are excluded. Like it or not, that’s what happens.

never mind the impact it has on children when your parent is obese.

I was thinking the same, @hamstersarse - why the difference? I suppose with alcohol/drugs, the kids would be at immediate risk, whereas the risks here are more long term. It's not clear cut, though, is it? I think we're a bit ridiculous about putting "sensitivity"/"tact" above all else when it comes to overeating (which ends up meaning we normalise obesity). I suppose the question isn't how to be sensitive, but how to say something that actually works, rather than shames? Which is really difficult...

I’ve also got an obese relative where we have to think about whether they will be able to fit in certain restaurants - the small type bistro with tables close together just doesn’t work.

the irony is not lost on me

So now you're equating wondering whether you can take the relative to a nice bistro with whether you will find your relative sitting in their own filth surrounded by bottles and swearing at you or getting violent. No. You just enjoy gossiping about how disgusting fat people are, admit it.

OP I'm not actually talking about you here, it's clear you're worried. It feels instinctive that 'tough love' would do the trick but sadly it generally just makes the person feel worse and less like helping themselves. You have to try to accept you can't make your DD do anything, you can only let her know you love her and think she's great, and maybe ease her burdens a bit.

That must be so worrying OP.
But you know that, for someone to lose a lot of weight, the motivation can only come from them.

I agree that there is nothing you can do about it, change has to come from her.

I suspect she is in denial. I stayed in denial for quite a while, and nothing anyone said would have made any difference. Then one day I tried on trousers which had started off loose and I couldn't get into them, and was confronted with having to size up my entire wardrobe (again). For some reason something 'clicked', I decided to lose weight and that was that. Hopefully she will have that moment too, but if she doesn't you can't have it on her behalf.

Going swimming/to the gym etc isn't necessarily the best place to focus either. I always exercised regularly, including when I was overweight. Exercise can help with motivation/self esteem/health/fitness but to successfully lose weight she will have to focus on changing and reducing what she eats, and you have no influence on that.

People function at their best when they're being affirmed loved and appreciated.
You mentioning her weight will do the opposite to that. Which in turn will likely make her care less about herself and take care of herself less.

Don't say anythingz just help by being there.
She is already well aware that she's not slim
Unless she doesn't own a mirror or wear clothes in which case I stand corrected.