Father’s Day if you have two mums

[Africa2004]

My daughter has two mums. We have a good relationship with her preschool & it’s never been an issue.
This Father’s Day they produced photos of each of the children holding signs dedicated to their daddy (a few said grandad). They posted these on social media. My child was the only one holding a sign dedicated to nobody, she looked very happy in the photo but it really upset me.
I can’t decide whether it’s no big deal or whether they should’ve asked/just put mummy or not posted on social media?

My guess is they asked the child what they wanted?
Does she have any good male role models in her life? Perhaps next time suggest a card for one of them, or for both of her Mums as between you you do the fathering role too?

It's not a big deal. If anything it shows that all families are different and not everyone has a dad. Many kids don't have dads, I didn't have one. Never felt excluded just how it was.

Does she include both of you on mother's day?

I think they should have handled this much better and thought about what they were doing, that would have upset me as I've never had a father, he abandoned me at birth.
Loads of children have no fathers or two mums. They should be more sensitive to how family life is now. I expected this kind of thing in the 60's but it isn't the way we live now.
I'd want to have a word with the school and let them know that this is unacceptable.

What was the sign then? Just blank? I'd expect the school to be aware that not everyone has a "dad" figure. Do they have your permission to put her on social media?

I think schools should ignore father's Day and mother's Day to be honest. So many children have different circumstances than just the typical mum/dad nuclear family set up.

I don't think you're wrong to be upset.

I do wish schools would stop with the mothers' day, fathers' day cards.
There are so many children now who don't have a traditional mum and dad. Some children will be able to handle it, but I bet it's upsetting for a lot.

Perhaps she didn’t want to. I assume she could have put grandfather if she wanted. Does she have grandads?

Many children don't have a father in their lives. Schools need to be sensitive to that. I think many schools encourage children to write a card to any important man in their life eg uncle, grandfather, step father. Fir me, that's a good compromise

As it is pre-school, I think they should have asked. There are many children of that age who do not have dad at home (or ever had dad in their life).

They probably asked the children about a special male relative - most settings will be really sensitive about this these days and will include uncles, grandfathers, godfathers, stepfather. Does she not have any male influence that she has a relationship with? As you say others had things saying grandad etc.

So no one can do anything in case someone is upset by it? That sounds like progress.

OP well she doesn't have a father, I would be upset though if on mothers day they didn't show her with 2 cards or 1 card that said to both of my awesome mums.

What did the sign say? I cant imagine it said "Happy Fathers Day to 'blank space' "
Did it make sense within the context of the series of photos. I think given she is only preschool age and it obviously bothers you you should have had a chat with preschool before Father's Day to find out what the were planning and how you would like DD to be involved/not involved etc. How are you handling it at home? Ignoring the day is obviously not really possible as she gets older so I would decide if you would like her to celebrate her Mums on Fathers day or maybe her Grandads or an Uncle etc

I think it depends on the intent which it was done really, obviously they won’t have wanted to leave her out all together as that’s not fair on her. But implying one of you is the male ‘father’ figure isn’t necessarily right either, she doesn’t have a stand in dad or a gap that grandad fills because dad left, she has 2 mums and that’s great. I think it would have been better if they’d put both of you on the picture rather than neither, but hopefully it was done innocently? Either way I think I’d ask them about it, as they’ve clearly not handled it well regardless of their intension which really isn’t good enough.

There are so many children now who don't have a traditional mum and dad.

But there arent. There are relatively few young children who have a completely absent/dead parent.

Statistically, the vast majority have a mother and a father, even if they are separated. Children who don't often have a grandfather/mother, aunts and uncles who can be celebrated?

Its about celebrating special people in our lives, not traditional nuclear families.

I wish they left these out of school. It causes so much heartache for that one child who doesn't have a parent. This is a responsibility for the parents, not teachers.

Does your daughter not have any grandfathers or uncles or friends of the family that she could have had on her sign?

It causes so much heartache for that one child who doesn't have a parent.

Does it? My friend's son's has no mother and happily made a beautiful card for her grandma last mother's day. BILs nieces also have no mum and love taking their nan to the various celebrations.

I think sometimes we impose our own adult view of it on to the children, who are often amazingly resilient.

So other kids shouldn't celebrate Father's Day? That's nonsense. I never had a dad either but I'd never expect anyone to cancel Father's Day celebrations.

From what op has described the child was holding up a sign that just said Happy Fathers Day. As a fatherless child myself I'd have felt more excluded to not be included in the photos. Kids without fathers are perfectly capable of understanding that some kids do have fathers and it's nice for them to give a card, like it was nice for me on Mother's Day.

As for schools banning it, as a kid, if I hadn't made something at school my mother wouldn't have received anything. As is likely the case for lots of kids. I just think in this day and age schools need to explain to the kids that if they don't have a dad/mum, they can celebrate someone else close to them. I buy my mum a Father's Day card every year as she did both roles!

But there arent. There are relatively few young children who have a completely absent/dead parent

In my ds primary class, out of thirty children, three children had lost their fathers,one had lost their mum, one had an absent father as that's just the kids whose lives I know about.

In my dds class, two children have lost a parent and several more are being brought up in angle parent families.

It's not uncommon and the hurt it can cause to children who have been through a lot already just isn't worth it

Luckily my children's school ignore these days.

It would seem that family life is still largely this way now given the ongoing popularity of Father’s Day. I don’t think the answer is to halt others celebrations because it’s not necessarily something you’ll be part of.

OP, there’s a couple of ways to approach it, talk with your dd about celebrating a man (doesn’t have to be a relation) in her life on Father’s Day or have a chat about the fact not everyone has a father but that’s ok be her mums step up and make sure she has everything she needs and if she wants to she can make cards etc for either of you. Follow her lead and if she doesn’t want to take part in any nursery/school activities back her up and contact the teachers ahead of time. Chances are she will want to for a while just to be the same as her friends but it all tails off when they’re fairly young so it’ll be a non-issue by the time she gets to secondary school.

Unfortunately this is life. What about the children who have lost their mum or those whose mum has chosen not to be in their life?

So she had an empty sign in her hand?? Like a blank piece of paper?

@Africa2004 I fully understand where you are coming from as I lost my husband when ds was 3.
We have had some teachers who were great around fathers day and let him make cards/pictures/crafted gifts for me instead of his dead dad and others who were absolutely crap and insensitive that's who insisted that he was only allowed to put dad or father even after he'd said that his dad was dead.
What I'm trying to say is that it probably isn't personal or because you are in a same sex relationship and more that your dc has a crappie insensitive twat for a teacher. You could politely point out there insensitivity but don't expect them to even acknowledge that they were wrong as only 1 of .my DS's teachers did, the rest gave variations of tough shit it's to much hassle to make any accommodation for those who don't have a dad for whatever reason.
I know it sucks but hopefully next year your dc will have a better teacher

I think speak to your child and see how they felt about it. If they were smiling in the picture, their teacher must have handled it sensitively but I can totally understand how you're feeling about it.

Side note- I really wish other schools would stop doing mother's day and father's day cards/presents. Since I started teaching, every class I have taught has had at least one child with a deceased or estranged parent so I don't plan any activities. Can only imagine how difficult it is for those children to sit through a lesson like that.