Father’s Day if you have two mums

[Africa2004]

My daughter has two mums. We have a good relationship with her preschool & it’s never been an issue.
This Father’s Day they produced photos of each of the children holding signs dedicated to their daddy (a few said grandad). They posted these on social media. My child was the only one holding a sign dedicated to nobody, she looked very happy in the photo but it really upset me.
I can’t decide whether it’s no big deal or whether they should’ve asked/just put mummy or not posted on social media?

My kids just said they didn't want to do anything. Total non-issue. Every school should be aware that many children don't have fathers in their lives.

Then the school should be mindful on mothers day

Making children make a fathers or Mother's Day card for someone who is not their parent because that parent is dead or absent is INCREDIBLY CRUEL.

If the children appear happy doing it - know this - THEY ARE NOT, they are trying not to upset the adults around them,

I say this as the parent of children who lost their dad when they were extremely young and as the daughter of a absent dad. And as the friend of many other widow(ers).

Schools should be nowhere near these Hallmark holidays.

I cannot speak to the experiences of children of sex single sex couples as I have no experience, but I hope your daughter is ok OP.

Yes absolutely this.

You can't speak for all children who have lost a parent either.

I agree totally.

My mum died when I was a child. No I wouldn't have wanted to make a card for my grandma whilst my peers did mother's Day ones. I was a well behaved child so wouldn't have made a fuss and would have appeared fine on the surface but I know it would have hurt me deeply.

Just to correct the Hallmark holiday thing - Mothering Sunday has been celebrated since the Middle Ages, long before hallmark was invented.

I think you’re projecting your adult thoughts and feelings here. You say your DC seemed happy. They most likely asked who they wanted to celebrate anyway as most settings do. I don’t see what other option there is.

I guess it depends. They never celebrated father's day at DD's primary, this was over ten years ago. But it was a mixed socio-economic area, a few kids had absent fathers and my DH had died so DD also had no one to write to either. I would say about half her class had absent fathers, I know one was in prison. Celebrating fathers day cards would have caused far more heartache than its benefits. I would say those with two parent families understood why.

My kids lost their dad young. I knew they did cards, so I told the teacher that they probably would still like to do a card for their dad so to just ask them and go with it, and they did. It was never an issue, there was never 'why does everyone else have a dad'. They were the only kids bar one adopted child in both classes that did not have a mum and dad (all together too - how unusual was that)! I don't think kids are as affected about these sorts of occasions as adults are.

I was never upset by it, you don’t speak for every child with an absent/dead parent. Also this child doesn’t have an absent parent, they have 2 parents, it’s just they are both mums, I can’t see the reason for trauma.

Selfishly, speaking as a lone parent, I was so grateful for the cards that school and nursery have done with my boy. Otherwise I would never have received mother's day card until he was old enough to make one himself.

School hasn't always made cards but sometimes they've done it in after school club etc.

When children who worked away from home were allowed to go home to visit their mother... those days are long gone... it subsequently became a hallmark thing. But so what if either of them are hallmark days? There's nothing wrong with an excuse to make someone feel special.

@InChocolateWeTrust

I can assure you there are a lot of children who have a completely absent father. In my son's class at first school there were at least 14 ( 3 dead and 11 not in the picture). That's the ones I knew well enough to know their background so it may have been more.

My own dc had no male role model at all at the time as my parents and only sibling had died.

Schools really need to be mindful.

If it makes you feel better, you keep telling yourself that kids don't mind. I can tell you, as a child, I would have minded very much. I'm sure all the adults around me thought I was very resilient and absolutely fine. I wasn't. I just didn't speak up.

Personally, I'd question any school or teacher who thought making father's/mother's Day cards was a good idea with a bereaved child in their class

WaterBottle123
“
Making children make a fathers or Mother's Day card for someone who is not their parent because that parent is dead or absent is INCREDIBLY CRUEL.

If the children appear happy doing it - know this - THEY ARE NOT, they are trying not to upset the adults around them,”

you can’t speak for all children in that situation.
my monstrous father was absent from 9 or so onwards. I was delighted about it. Making cards didn’t bother me at all.

I think everybody has kind of lost the point on this thread though, it’s derailed now really. This child isn’t bereaved, and doesn’t have an absent parent?! She’s not mentioned a bereaved child in this class.

this child doesn’t have an absent parent, they have 2 parents, it’s just they are both mums, I can’t see the reason for trauma

I think the thread has got slightly derailed. The ops dd hasn't been through a trauma which has led her to not having a dad. She does have two parents. However, what did she actually do during this exercise? Did she have to sit there doing nothing? Did the teacher suggest anything?

@WaterBottle123 Mother's Day is not a hallmark holiday. It is mothering Sunday and part of the Christian calendar. Whether or not you are religious, it isn't a made up thing... unlike father's day. But I think both days are good. It's about children learning to appreciate people in their lives and if sensitively handled, it is of course wider than just your actual mum or dad. It's about father figures and mother figures too.

I don't like the idea of erasing days like this because it is difficult for some. That takes us down a dodgy road of everyone being offended by everything. But I absolutely agree in the case of @Africa2004 preschool might have thought about it better in advance. Have you talked to your little one about it ? Why was it a sign for nobody? I think she could have done a sign for her mums. That would have been nicer for her and you both I'm sure.

So no one can do anything in case someone is upset by it? That sounds like progress.

I appreciate that some children have different circumstances at home, and schools/nurseries should take that into account, but the vast majority of children do have both parents, and why should they miss out on making cards etc? It doesn't have to be a big thing.

Our school does mothers and fathers day things, but just advertises them as "mother's day or special person" etc.

I agree with you @Mumteedum
Some parents won't get any acknowledgement if it wasn't for the efforts that schools go to (single parents, thoughtless partners or other circumstances). Schools generally always do their best to make the day as inclusive as possible. What was your child doing in the picture?

Did she not even have a grandad sign up?

I’m wondering if she did have a grandad sign up but they took loads of photos and this was the best one out of the lot.

I’ve not voted as I see what you’re saying (my DD has an absent father) but making her sit out of the photo would have been worse as it’s making her feel more isolated.

It’s not fair that they don’t do anything for Father’s/mother’s Day and I like how they have included grandfathers but they do need to be sensitive about it and most schools are.

They’ll be plenty of staff who’s dad has died or they’ve never known him so they’ll be sensitive about it.

@Artwodeetoo

No I can't speak for them all. My point is WHY RISK IT?

The kindest and safest thing to do is not make cards, schools need to focus on education

@Clymene

It's now a Hallmark holiday though. Origin is irrelevant.

You don't get to speak for everyone though.

That's your experience. It certainly isn't ours.