Father’s Day if you have two mums

[Africa2004]

My daughter has two mums. We have a good relationship with her preschool & it’s never been an issue.
This Father’s Day they produced photos of each of the children holding signs dedicated to their daddy (a few said grandad). They posted these on social media. My child was the only one holding a sign dedicated to nobody, she looked very happy in the photo but it really upset me.
I can’t decide whether it’s no big deal or whether they should’ve asked/just put mummy or not posted on social media?

What the fuck? I'm sure the OP is absolutely aware of who her child's father is

She would have said if she did. It seems like it was an anonymous sperm donor.

What did you want them to do?it's Father's Day. Your child has two mums some people have a mum and dad. It's just life🤷🏻‍♀️

You are a disgusting person. Would you say the same if a male and female couple used donor sperm to conceive? No? Your attitude and views on same sex couples having children is appalling and I hope to god you never speak them in real life. This child is clearly loved by two parents. I sincerely hope you don't pass your views on to your own offspring. Vile.

I think this is a non issue.

Your child knows she has two mums rather than a mum and a dad. There are so many different family structures that there is no way she is the only one without a father in her life.

A children needs love, care and security and I really don't think where it comes from it the important factor. You said yourself your child seemed happy. That's the important issue. Don't make it a big issue because it isn't.

The comment is brutal, but why do you think of it as homophobic? It makes no mention of homosexuality. Presumably the poster would feel the same way about a single woman (or man) who chose to have a child via a sperm donor / surrogate?

I remember my son being forced to make a mothers day card in reception, which led to him thinking he would have to go and live with his birth mother again. School ‘helpfully’ threw the card away when he became extremely distressed, they ‘helpfully’ chose not to tell me what had happened that day, so it took three days of having a very upset and scared little boy until I actually knew what had happened.

He still remembers it and sometimes mentions it to the poor TA in his class who was the TA in his reception class, they’re like elephants, they never forget.

I completely agree with this - we need to be teaching children to be resilient and helping them with techniques to overcome situations that may affect them negatively. Trying to shield them from anything that's possibly hurtful doesn't help them in the long run.

That said, regarding the Op, given the young age of the child and the specific situation, I'm surprised they didn't ask you how you'd like them to handle it. (Either by focusing on another male relative / friend, having her mums on the thank you, leaving it blank but not posting on social media, her not taking part in the task etc etc). There are so many things they could have done and they should have spoke to you about it. Anyway, the main thing is that she is ok, so I'd let it go but maybe speak to school in advance next year if you think it will be an issue for her or you want it to be handled differently.

A holistic education includes marking various celebrations. It’s ridiculous for a school that would mark all kinds celebrations (which I believe is part of the curriculum) to ignore mothers/Father’s Day when all a child has to do is walk into the local shop and see signs about marking it with cards/presents/meals. For a child that even slightly questions the world around them they’re going to notice it’s not mentioned leading to exactly the same scenario.

children without fathers or mothers, for whatever reason, aren’t protected from hurt or uncomfortable realisations by just pretending it doesn’t exist. Situations will arise that evoke exactly the same feelings and questions regardless of when or where. If the school fails to handle it sensitively or reassuringly then it falls to the parental figure to help them navigate a world where majorities exist and sometimes we’re outside of that.

Not if it’s an anonymous sperm donor.

It does. Many children of same sex families have said how much they grieved for their missing parent growing up. This isn't homophobic, it's simply fact. Adults think of themselves, they don't stop to think of the children who will hurt and grieve for the missing parent and it does mess them up. I fought for the right for same sex couples to marry, I am no homophobe, I simply believe even in same sex families, the rights of the child to know, where possible, both parents should be upheld. Most gay couples I know, the child knows they have 3 parents (2 mums and 1 dad, or 2 dads and 1 mum), they aren't kept from the biological parent unlike in the OP's case.

I presume they are homophobic as normal people do not have an issue with a child growing up with same sex parents - nor would they accuse a poster of being selfish and not looking out for the rights of their child by not providing them with a father. For all they know the child could have multiple father figures in their life however, they have chosen to tell the OP how awful she is for daring to have a family without a man present. Doesn't exactly scream open and welcoming does it?

Yes, I absolutely would say the same. You are disgusting for attacking me for thinking of the child.

So I commented in agreement to the post saying you have created a fatherless child. You have, it’s a fact. However that doesn’t mean to me that she’s missing out on anything. All that matters is that she’s loved, which she clearly is as you’re concerned about her feelings about this so much.

At my children’s school they are taught very early about families coming in different shapes and forms. We have children from same sex parents, children who have been adopted, foster children and obviously children from single or separated parents. We’re far past the traditional family of a dad and a mum with their children so just focus on that. One of my children’s classmates made out her Father’s Day card to her mum even though she spends half her time with her Dad. The children are given a choice in this so maybe just work on differences in families with your daughter so she knows she can celebrate anyone. Maybe she really didn’t want to celebrate anyone else because she is so content with both her mums?

@Cornettoninja

Children have an entire planets worth of stuff to learn, believe me, their education won't be less 'holistic' if they skip learning about a few Hallmark holidays, which is what mothers and Father's Day have become.

For example, international womens day or mens health day would be outstanding alternative choices. And MUCH less commercial.

^^ This.

I'm not sure how these things can be done inclusively so far better that schools just don't engage imo.

Then your ignorance says everything about you, and nothing about me.

I NEVER said I have a problem with a child growing up with same sex parents. That is YOUR insinuation.

I simply said that even in a same sex couple, many couples ensure that the other parent is known to the child. The OP is not doing this it seems. Try to READ what is there, instead of jumping to froth at the mouth and make assumptions.

Thank you. As someone who fought for same sex couples to marry, I find the small minded judgements of that poster to be disgusting. I am fully supportive of same sex couples to marry and to have children. I have never said otherwise.

I SIMPLY believe that the child has a right to develop their own relationship with the other biological parent.

We always wrote, "Happy Father's Day Mum" on ours. I don't remember how it started, I always figured she did all the work raising us, so she got cards/presents for both days. There was no one else to address them to.

On Alb0’s point about grieving unknown parents (or a known one), I actually think it’s doing a disservice to children to engineer circumstances that completely erase the possibility of any hurt. In some ways it’s easier to process as a child before knowledge and experience muddies the waters especially if it’s handled sensitively by their primary parental figures. And that requires feeling the hurt.

I can’t see were the OP has said she doesn’t no who the child’s father is, she simply stated there are 2 mums and pre school left the card blank, it’s very vague. For all you no the father may be a friend that the kid nos that’s just not a ‘father’ figure. You have absolutely no idea you are just here to make assumptions, attack and throw your view in, and that says a lot about you.

Well what about children whose parent have died? Dress it up any way you like- you aren't concerned for the children you just don't believe in same sex couples having a family. Luckily the views of the world are changing and it's becoming more common so these children who are 'grieving' a sperm donor will not be alone. Your argument is bizarre - no same sex couples should have a child unless they are willing to have a sperm donor parent with them. Remain childless or find a donor who is willing to actually become a parent with you & all that entails- oh but pretend to the child he is their uncle because when they turn 18 that won't be confusing at ALL. Bizarre.