Father’s Day if you have two mums

[Africa2004]

My daughter has two mums. We have a good relationship with her preschool & it’s never been an issue.
This Father’s Day they produced photos of each of the children holding signs dedicated to their daddy (a few said grandad). They posted these on social media. My child was the only one holding a sign dedicated to nobody, she looked very happy in the photo but it really upset me.
I can’t decide whether it’s no big deal or whether they should’ve asked/just put mummy or not posted on social media?

I wouldn't say that the vast majority of children have a mum and dad

Well statistically you would be wrong. You can google this sort of thing, I suggest you do. A minority of children have a completely absent/dead parent. A smaller minority have same sex parents. The majority have co-habiting male/female parents. A close second is male female parents not co-habiting but with regular contact.

In YOUR Opinion

If the school wrote it then they should have asked you how you wanted to handle it. However I do agree with a couple of others on here that it's wrong to stop a child from having a relationship with their other biological parent, all thinks being ok meaning there is not abuse etc. It is selfish and what will you do when you learn she resents you from keeping her from her dad. You need to think about that.

You're not a father. She shouldn't have put mummy. She could have written it to any male role model in her life. She won't be the only one who doesn't see her dad. If she's happy, who cares? You've got to expect, and plan for, these problems when you choose to have a baby without being a traditional family.

I don’t think you’re awful or abhorrent but I do find a narrative that fails to take into account the impact on the resulting person hard to stomach.

Being different (as in away from the traditional family structure) is great, should be celebrated in fact, but that doesn’t mean that the downsides should be ignored or the complex feelings of the people created into these environments develop. All children go through a phase of wanting to be like someone else or get caught up in fads. It’s part of building a sense of belonging somewhere outside of your family unit, I suppose deeper than that it’s self preservation and understanding that your immediate family can’t protect you in a much bigger world.

Peers (who make up the majority just by way of biology and how most people are created) will talk about experiences you have no way to empathise with completely and force you into a role of observer and you’re immediately labelled as different. That’s fine when there’s an element of choice about it, it’s much harder to reconcile that when that’s just who you are and you need to be comfortable in a way that doesn’t come naturally.

Adults who speak on behalf of their children often fail to acknowledge that children often say what they think the adult wants to hear when what they really need is a space to put their own thoughts into words without influence.

I’m a solo parent and my daughter made a card with a picture of me on the front. For Mother’s Day the card had a preprinted bit which read ‘I love my mummy because…’ and a teacher had written the (very obviously) her words, but this time it just said ‘love [name]’. I had fully intended to remind the school she doesn’t have a dad, but it all seems to have been fine.

To my mind, there's nothing sad, or shameful or embarrassing about her not having a dad, so nothing to be upset about. She has two brilliant mums, and hasn't lost a parent, it's just she has two who need a card at the end of March. But I'm surprised they didn't suggesting making it for Grandpa/Uncle Jack etc.

There are legitimate ethical discussions around anonymous egg/sperm donation and the right to know one's biological ancestry.

You could say the same for adopted children.

Or surrogacy.

With surrogacy you've egg donation and the host, the host has no biological ties with baby though will have emotional ties growing the baby as pregnancy develops.

It'll be difficult for certain surrogate children to get their head around the ethical mindset of their arrival.

I’m surprised schools do anything for Father’s Day.
the majority of children by the time they are 14 are not in a traditional nuclear family.
The average child will come from a broken home (insert whatever euphemism you like), or if their biological parents are still together, have half-siblings/step siblings.
WhereI live the majority of parents are not married either when they have a child.

What, so just because some people can't celebrate father's Day as in they don't have a living, good relationship with a male figure, so no one else at all gets to celebrate it? I'm sure you can work round it and be creative. This is aimed at posters saying whole thing should be banned or glossed over, by the way

So I thought I'd put this to someone with some experience...

I just asked my nine year old who lost his dad aged five whether he'd prefer it if schools didn't get involved with mother's and father's day.

He instantly answered 'They shouldn't. It makes me feel very left out'.

I was surprised actually. He normally puts aside his feelings to see 'the bigger picture' and wouldn't dream of special treatment but he feels quite strongly about this he said.

They are perfectly able to celebrate it as a family at home. But there isnt any reason why it needs to be an activity at school.

Yes I do think the same for those issues.

You're not a father. She shouldn't have put mummy

Ohhhh why's that? Will it upset the marketing men who ram father's Day down our throats?! She can put whatever she wants...it's hurting no one.

But on Mother's Day she will have two cards to make so I can't see the big deal about this.

My daughter was the same, I don’t see why Schools have to be involved in Mothers/Fathers day as it’s a family event which should be left to the families to navigate.

It’s also unfair on those in foster care in School settings.

No one said it should be banned. Just that schools shouldn't celebrate it.

Luckily my DC's headteacher is very sensible and ignores both mothers and fathers day at the school.

But that's the thing. It is an education... First of all you have the writing skills, creative skills, colouring skills, etc that goes with card making. Then you also have the life skills, educating that everyone has different families, resilience, that it's OK to feel a little sad and learn how to deal with those emotions..... Wrapping our kids in cotton wool and shielding them from any form of discomfort is hardly doing them justice for life! They will not be shielded from days like fathers day / mothers day forever and need to learn how to cope with it! And sorry but in the majority of schools, children without any sort of male / female role model would be in the minority... Just another example of where minorities rule the roost yet again!

OP I'm sorry you felt upset by this. All we can do is learn and move forward. Perhaps next year have a convo in advance if their is a male figure they would like to dedicate fathers day too.

No one said it should be banned. Just that schools shouldn't celebrate it. 👍

I cannot understand why schools still do this every year, by all means celebrate Mothers and Fathers day but let the children make their cards at home if they wish to do so, it shouldn't have anything to do with the school really

Nobody is wrapping kids in cotton wool.
The reality is weather you like it or not, the majority of children do not live in some Janet and John book where they live with happily married parents who are heterosexual. Where there are a biological mother and a biological father and 2 children. Life is not like that for many, many children.
Yes there might be a man in their life but so what? He is not their father just some guy who statistically will not be there for the rest of their life.
Plenty of children know some kind of woman but that does not make them their mother either.
I have no skin in this game just stating facts.

Every child still has a mother and a father, we have not yet reached the point where we can create a child from two women only or two men only. I know a few ss couples and they've ensured the biological mother / biological father is known to the child and the child has a relationship with them. That's as should be. Barring abuse or death of course.

I guess that's the point. The ones who have absent parents through abuse or death feel a bit shit when schools enthusiastically encourage kids to make/buy gifts for these non-existent parents.

So given that schools can't realistically be inclusive or prevent that pain, isn't it better to just not get involved at all?

You have a great opportunity here to shape the narrative for your child in a very positive way, e.g. "Some people celebrate Father's day, but in our family we like to do x and y for Mother's day which is extra special because .... "

You can anticipate the situation, and make your child feel secure and supported while letting them know that other families are different and do things in different ways.

Children do compare themselves to others - I should think that's unavoidable - but there's no reason for your child to make an unfavourable comparison.

Our teachers check with the office if there is a dad/grandfather in the picture.

But not all families tell you what’s going on at home - of course they don’t need to tell you anything but it helps in some circumstances especially when there is a nasty break up or divorce going through, or dad has swanned off and mum doesn’t want him collecting the kids.