To think you can’t just disappear for months on end & then expect everyone to drop everything

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

A good friend of mine has been having a hard time & decided she wanted to go no contact with everyone in her life for a few months while she sorted stuff out. She announced this everywhere, on social media, in what’s app groups etc.

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing and reappeared and wants to meet up as she is ready to see people.

thing is- I am really busy until September as have kids stuff, work stuff, summer hols etc going on and she is pissed off about it.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything. But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

Sounds like youre punishing her as i very much doubt you dont have an hour until september.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be busy but surely you'd have time for a lunch or coffee? Is she after more?

This happened to me when i had a breakdown, although I did it quietly. When I re-emerged I didn't expect everyone to drop everything. I was simply announcing that I felt much better and grateful for the space. Seeing everyone at once would have been too overwhelming and I would have bee grateful for a true friend wanting to see me in a few months when their busy schedule allowed.

Tbh you sound annoyed at her. She may be being a drama llama in which case I don't blame you, but times are hard and ppl are struggling.

I’d find an hour or two to have lunch and check she was ok. Seems like some pretty big issues she had to sort.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything.

But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

This thing is you are not supportive of her taking time out of you have an issue with her return.

@TheAverageUser yes it’s got to be at weekends and we can’t find one that works for both of us. She’s getting cross but it’s just one of those things at the moment!

This. How can you be that busy you couldn't meet for a coffee? Might not be what she wants but you could manage something, or invite her round for after the kids go to bed or something.

I agree with @LilyMarshall this sounds like a punishment viewpoint - you use the words 'drop everything' but seriously, what is the 'everything' you think she is expecting people to drop?

If you have an hour spare (and lets face it most of us do and can find that kind of time) then surely you do have time for a coffee.

But I think you are upset with her that she took time out, and now you feel she's being a CF by deciding when to come back in.

It sounds like you were unhappy and unsupportive of her decision to take time out and sort stuff out.

She is being unreasonable, of course. She has no right to demand your time. She’s applying limitations to when you can meet just like you are. You’re not her mum.

I get it OP. But I must admit I thought you’d say longer than that. Are there other factors at play?

I have just had a “vanished for two years” person want to meet. I’ve changed a lot and I just don’t want to. But four months, with advance warning, seems a bit different.

but in the end, I know sometimes you just don’t want to anymore and you’re allowed to feel that way.

I agree, OP.

She sounds like a massive drama queen. If she saw you as such a good friend, she wouldn't have cut contact for all that time.

And I disagree with PPs - it’s obviously not a punishment viewpoint, it’s a “sorry I won’t cancel existing plans for you” viewpoint.

You don't sound either supportive or sympathetic.

Just irritated.

You are genuinely too busy every weekend until September, Saturday and Sunday? If so then explain that to her. Maybe you could meet up in the week one evening? Or both take annual leave?

Honestly, am not at all unsupportive of her taking the time off she needs. But meeting up has to be at the weekend and in the day and we just can’t find a weekend to do that. It’s not my fault- she has stuff too. And yet she’s getting cross we me because I haven’t got the times that work for her. I want to see her but I think she’s also being pretty inflexible!

Does she want you to 'drop everything' or does she want to have a half -hour coffee?

What's really going on here, OP?

This

Could you invite her round for coffee at yours at the weekends at all? Just explain you're really genuinely busy every single weekend.

Ahh if its because she is busy every other weekend and you're busy on the ones she's free then yes she's being silly, she can't expect you to be free and her to be the only one with plans. Maybe reverse it and say don't you want to see me? Can't you cancel your plans? On a weekend that you are free. Then she'll see how unfair she's being.

Could you do an evening stroll in the park, or something instead? Why does it HAVE to be weekend/daytime?

@monsterastuckiosa I have no idea what is really going on as I haven’t seen her for months 🤷🏻‍♀️

it’s the end of June, I have kids stuff going on until the end of July & then it’s summer hols & we are going away.

i don’t think she’s showing me any flexibility at all and is just getting cross because I am not as available as she wants me to be as she is reentering stuff again.

i have said I can see her in early sept after the summer hols but that’s not good enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP is being a "good" friend to someone who is reportedly a good friend and has behaved in an unusual way that to most of their genuine good friends would be worrying.

If it was my good friend OP, I'd be flexing my time to support. I think you are dressing this relationship up to more than it is - either this is an acquaintance to you or someone who usually supports you rather than you them.

Honestly give your head a wobble.

I dont blame you. Sounds as if you get booked quite far in advance. I'd just keep offering weekends until you find one that works for both of you. If shes been oit of the loop for 4 months its probably going to take 4 months to get bsck into the loop.

@Genegenieee Eh?

she’s a friend of over 20 years- She vanished & told us all not to contact her. I asked at the time if she was ok & said I was there for her. What else can I do? She made the choice to take time out & i respected her boundaries. That’s her prerogative as an adult.

my gripe is that now she’s being inflexible about wanting to meet up.

You don’t sound supportive OP.

I’m sure you can find a spare hour somewhere. Unless you are as unsupportive as you sound.