To think you can’t just disappear for months on end & then expect everyone to drop everything

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

A good friend of mine has been having a hard time & decided she wanted to go no contact with everyone in her life for a few months while she sorted stuff out. She announced this everywhere, on social media, in what’s app groups etc.

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing and reappeared and wants to meet up as she is ready to see people.

thing is- I am really busy until September as have kids stuff, work stuff, summer hols etc going on and she is pissed off about it.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything. But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

When people talk about going for a half hour coffee - is that with a neighbour, or someone who works in the same place as you? I just can't imagine meeting for that short a time, but maybe that's because it would always take a bit of travel time for me. If I met a friend in town at 10.00 we'd probably not sit down with our coffees until 10.10 and I'd be really taken aback if then at 10.30 they stood up and was like 'right must be off' - I wouldn't have finished my coffee!

It's very self centred.

People like this tend to forget other people also have lives and problems and issues, and aren't just supporting characters in their lives.

I had a friend who blocked me on Facebook for no reason 4 years ago and now seems to think I should meet up with him for drinks now he's decided he's 'better' and ready to hang out. Well, fucking no. I'm going through some major health issues, have multiple hospital appointments every week, a demanding job and a side gig, and the little spare time I have to socialise is booked up for people who have been there for me over the past year or two. I'm not going to drop everything for someone who disappeared without explanation 4 years ago.

So…OP should change her plans to suit friend, but friend doesn’t have to change hers if she wants to see OP?

what's with the hypocrisy?

This.

Yep.

It shows that whilst friend was off taking time, being single, doing her own thing, OP carried on living her life, with kids and all that entails.

OP has had no say in my the timing of friend's return, had no idea it was imminent, and has continued with her own life unabated.

Now friend wants OP to dump part of her family life to best fit in with friend's single life and is, apparently, getting Smitty because OP can't just park her kids and come running.

If I were OP I'd be thinking WTAF? And I wouldn't be putting myself to too much trouble reworking any schedule already in place for my kids, family etc.

That's what happens when you spend time navel gazing. The world continues to turn and your place in it gets slimmer. You have to start over again.

Can she not come to see you?

Yes! This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

I don’t know the reason that the friend had for disappearing. However, unless it was handled extremely well, it risks giving others the impression that they are bit part characters rather than people with their own lives.

The OP says she is unavailable before September. Perhaps she could squeeze the friend in before then, perhaps not. In her position, I may pause before pushing myself to accommodate someone who has made so little effort to accommodate me.

People have the right to take some time out but then shouldn’t be surprised when others do the same. If you disappear then you leave a gap to be filled (and the OP has filled it).

I have a few friends that I don't live close too and we rarely get to meet up these days because we are too busy/too knackered. So I prop my phone up on the kitchen side and FaceTime them while I'm cooking/baking etc, we spend a good hour or so nattering and having a laugh whilst we are both going about our jobs.

Would that work for either of you?

I'm not sure why people are saying "half an hour for coffee". To me it doesn't really sound like the friend would be happy with that. Half an hour for a coffee is what you do when you are having a quick catch up. If you haven't seen someone for 4 months and they now are back, I suspect she might be far more hurt by the OP saying "I can fit a quick half hour in".

It depends on the person. I can think of people who would quietly disappear and come back and I'd understand. There's also people who would be using the whole scenario to create attention.
It's a bit like the relatives of dh who used to phone to tell us when they were going on an exotic holiday "in case we were worried because we hadn't heard from them". Eventually dh pointed out that they normally only contacted us when they wanted something from us so we were unlikely to worry in fact we'd be quite pleased . It was clearly because they wanted to tell us "We are going on an Important Holiday", if they'd actually been interested in keeping up with us, they wouldn't have needed to phone us as it would have come out in normal conversation.

So if she's the sort of attention seeking drama queen who announced she was dropping out (and was probably put out that everyone didn't fall on her neck saying they'd miss her terribly) and now has announced she's back and expected everyone to rush round to demonstrate how much they've missed her, then it's probably quite good for her that the Op isn't dropping everything.

If however she's been really struggling, and is coming back with a "I really need my friends" feel, then it would be nice if the Op did manage to clear half a day for her.

Only the Op knows which it is.

How do you know it's 'clearly bullshit'?

You have access to the OP's calendar do you?

Don't be so ridiculous

I stand by my previous comments. Anyone who has time to be posting on Mumsnet (and I fully include myself in this) is not "busy until September".

I agree with @TheYearOfSmallThings in that it's BS about not having an hour to spare until September! OP clearly has some time on her hands to create a thread this moment and to continue posting on it on an apparently busy Sunday... @Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22 you could have asked your friend round for a coffee today in all that time... just be honest with yourself, you don't want her in your life anymore, maybe your friendship has run it's course and that's it!

The "friend" sounds self-absorbed to me. Announcing her need for space on social media? Screams "look at me" to me. The message I'd take from her is "you can wait around until I have gotten over myself, then I want to see you".

What is this person like? I suspect that she talks incessantly about herself - her own problems etc and the OP probably tires of having to hear it. I may be wrong.

Friendships are a two way street.

@CityCommuter Did you miss the part where the friend lives a 3hr round trip away and seems to expect the OP to go and stay the night.

Why do people keep saying that if you've got time to post on MN you could meet up with someone? I've been on and off MN today but I'm not free to meet up for a potentially intense reunion with a friend, I'm on my own with a preschooler and a toddler.

That seems unfair as she didn’t just cut contact with OP. She did it with everyone and explained beforehand. I’d rather someone do that then have their mental health deteriorate.

I stand by my previous comments. Anyone who has time to be posting on Mumsnet (and I fully include myself in this) is not "busy until September".

I'm sat at kitchen table Mums netting while I wait for DS to get done with the exam style questions for revision- on hand if he needs help and waiting so we can look through the answers. He rapidly loses focus if left and there's not long left to risk that.

Why that means I am then available to do 3 hour travel + x time with friend and possible overnight at a drop of a hat is really odd reasoning.

Next weekend was supposed to be another open day for DD1 - which train strike may call off and week after we have family all weekend - and then were currently mostly free - but pre-covid most of summer would already be mapped out by now and it's more travel chaos making us put off getting sorted as soon as usual.

I think it’s fine to need to disappear for a few months if dealing with difficult times. It’s not the same as ghosting where someone just stops contact which is harder to accept. Poor mental health, bereavement, addiction, abuse, relationship breakdown to name a few reasons why people may retreat and need to go LC or NC.

I also think it’s fine for you not to be available to travel when you have prior commitments, as soon as your friend is available. And it’s unreasonable of your friend to be angry, but perhaps she is still struggling or wants to open up to face to face. You don’t say what led to her needing time out or whether you could catch up to some degree with messages or video calling. I can’t imagine not finding a small window of time for some contact even if just a video call or inviting her to stay with you for a night, are you angry at your friend for going NC for a few months?

Really sad to see all the comments labelling the OP’s friend as selfish/drama queen etc for needing to disconnect for a while. This is exactly the sort of response that affects how people seek help for and discuss mental health and other difficult issues. If it’s out of character then it’s very alarming and I would guess could be severe depression. Also can be a flag of an abusive relationship when someone goes NC and it’s out of character.

I honestly find it staggering how people are all for inclusion and understanding when it comes to their kids/mental health etc but won’t tolerate the need for this in adulthood.

Perhaps the friend was busy this morning so it would t work?

OP hasn't replied since 09:14. Maybe she had plans after that? It's a Sunday, shops don't open until 10/11 in many places and people don't tend to be up and out as early as during the week. It's stupid to say because someone posted a few times, they clearly must have time free to travel 1.5hr to see their friend and then come back. It's clearly not the same.

Those who can will. I don't see why you would discuss this. You can't and it's fine too. Catch up when you can and don't guilt trip her or yourself. Life is life.

I don't know, OP - to be honest, it sounds like a bit of both going on. You seem to be annoyed, and I'm guessing it's because you feel overwhelmed and pressured. Maybe you weren't annoyed that your friend needed to go dark for a bit. But there is a little vibe like you're digging your heels in a bit.

At the same time, I'm usually in the position each summer where suddenly everyone wants to do stuff, and I end up with every weekend fully booked up for 2-3 solid months. So I totally get that.

I'm curious what you mean when you said she was getting angry about you not having time. Was she rude to you? What did she say? I only ask because sometimes I can think someone is being shirty with me when actually I'm the one who feels aggravated, and I'm just projecting that onto them. Maybe she's not angry at all, just keen to see you?

She sounds like a flaky princess. Everyone has to dance around her drama of mental health difficulties, but she never, ever has to make the effort. So she's demanding you travel to her, stay overnight on a Sat/Sun, despite having kids and commitments. While she is single and child free. Nah, that's taking the piss, I'm child free and would never expect this kind of set up with friends who are parents, that's bloody ridiculous. Does she want you to hold her hand, sit with her, while she unloads all the stuff she's supposedely dealt with by taking time out? Yeah, I bet she does, and you just get dumped on yet again, suonds like this has been the pattern for years. Is that about right? Met her type, they are a drain and nothing more. Fuck her if she has the hump about you not running after her until September. What would happen if you said you need her to come and stay with/near you for a weekend hang out, would that ever happen? Or is she so fragile you have to do all the heavy lifting, again?

It’s great to be inclusive and understanding of a friend’s mental health issues. However, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else.

It’s not clear how serious the OP’s friend’s issues were. In any case, the OP isn’t available for the sort of meet up that her friend wants until September.

Having the friend take several months out is up to them. It does mean that the OP better not need anything or have any personal issues in that time though.

I bet when you do eventually meet up with her, you'll find out she was meeting other friends during her self imposed exile....

Agree.