To think you can’t just disappear for months on end & then expect everyone to drop everything

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

A good friend of mine has been having a hard time & decided she wanted to go no contact with everyone in her life for a few months while she sorted stuff out. She announced this everywhere, on social media, in what’s app groups etc.

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing and reappeared and wants to meet up as she is ready to see people.

thing is- I am really busy until September as have kids stuff, work stuff, summer hols etc going on and she is pissed off about it.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything. But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

Zoom. 10 minutes. Or what’s app, while you are in the queue at teasco. The another 10 minute zoom..small and more frequent rather than massive and overwhelming maybe? A ta da does sound a bit me me me tbh. Friend with issues felt her way back very slowly.

Hi OP - sorry I've not read all the PP so this might already have been suggested but could she join you on one of your kid activities? Or could she stay with you overnight?

I think you are getting a hard time op! It sounds like she expects you to drop things you have planned in order to meet her but won't change her plans.

I'd be interested to hear the friends side of this story

I think a lot of posters are bring kind of twatty to the OP. She only has weekends off, has children, is going away for 2 weeks abroad then has family commitments. She has suggested dates before September but the friend doesn't want to do those days.

If Iook at my diary, I don't have any spare weekends till at least end of July either. Not going away but have a lot of days out planned, activities, family meet ups etc.

Evenings would be a fuck no as by the time I've ferried kids to their various clubs and friends houses, listened to them read and stood over them like a drill sergeant to make them do their homework I'm shattered. Then it's time for bath, bed, make packed lunches for the morning before faceplanting into bed.

Friend just wants everything her way on the weekend that suits her. She doesn't want to do the days OP has suggested and OP isn't available on the days the friend has suggested. The next weekend that works for both of them is in September. Just one of those things.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious - exactly! 8 hours sleep, 8 hours working/day out at weekends, 2 hours commute, That leaves 6 hours for preparing food, caring for children, tidying/cleaning and finding time to wash etc. Thats the reality of life for a lot of people with children!

Your friend is being unreasonable- she is expecting you to drop all of your existing commitments, yet won’t change any of her plans. She can’t expect people to put their lives away in a cupboard, to be avail at her beck and call.

As others have suggested, see if you can find an evening for a FaceTime catch up. Could you find a Friday evening to meet for dinner somewhere halfway ?

If you haven't suggested any alternatives to waiting for September for a catch up and to find out what's going on with a friend who has apparently been through a hard time (eg zoom call / long phone call one evening, meet for lunch / coffee / dinner somewhere half way in between rather than always have to stay overnight, her come to you for a change if that can be fitted in better etc) that yabu.

If you have offered at least a virtual/ phone catch up and she is insisting it has to be a weekend with overnight stay or nothing, yanbu.

Does the visit have to be in person? Why not Zoom or FaceTime with each other for an hour at some point in the evening?

YANBU for being frustrated that she's being inflexible and disappointed. But YABU for being unable to accept that she needed some time away (be honest: your first post was dripping with contempt for her choice, and not just because you're frustrated now).

She's been your friend for 20 years. I wouldn't throw away a 20 year friendship because of a rocky patch. If you want to or need to, of course you can. But I wouldn't.

This does sound frustrating. Its not so much the re appearing but the lack of consideration for what you've got going on.

I'd just send a message saying summer is really busy but giving the days you can do and leave it with get. Try not to get into who's more available etc......

If you wanted to see her, you would.

I think you need to stop being the one who travels to her all the time, OP.

She thinks you are her skivvy.

Totally. It's just the way life is!

If she wanted to see OP, she would.

Why can’t she come down to you?

I’d struggle at this time of year to schedule an overnight visit solo for a catch up.

She is being unreasonable to think that she can put people down for months and then pick them up again when it suits her. I wouldn't be rushing to pick up ties with a friend who does that.

But you are being unreasonable to say that you are busy until September. That is clearly bullshit.

I don't think that you're being a dick OP, your friend is.

She can't disappear for months, suddenly reappear and expect everyone to drop their plans and see her.

Christ. OP doesn’t sound like ‘a shitty friend’ at all She’s trying to find a time to meet and the friend (who doesn’t have kids/summer holiday limitations) is blocking her.

And she expects OP to travel to her, on a weekend, at her convenience. This sounds like a entitled and demanding person.

OP you’re offering everything you can. If she expects you to bend over backwards and break your own existing commitments then she is no friend at all.

YANBU. That's just reality with children. Weekends get booked up with trips, family visits. Especially as you're going on holiday for 2 weeks. It seems like she doesn't want to cancel her plans to see you when you're free but fully expects you to cancel your plans for her. It doesn't work like that.

for us we do a lot more days out/weekends away/meeting people etc at weekends because DD's weekend activities are term time only and we want to do the stuff we can't normally do

she doesn't want to cancel her plans to see you when you're free but fully expects you to cancel your plans for her

Nails it

I have a friend who ‘goes dark’ pretty regularly. It is tough and I have learnt not to rely on her for my stuff.

but I have also had a breakdown myself and wasn’t much fun for a while. I was grateful there were friends still then when I came through.

so back to your problem. Why do week days not work? Does she live far away? Is this a big weekend trip where you meet in the middle or a 15 minute drive to a cafe or restaurant?

I get your point, OP, but I can't imagine my life being booked up a quarter of a year ahead..

I think I'd be annoyed too, OP.

It isn't that she took time out, it's that it's all about her and you having needs, a life, other responsibilities is pissing her off because you aren't able to pander to her needs.

If she's single with no kids, why can't she travel to you for a coffee? Why would you normally go to her? Perhaps she is a bit too used to you doing all the running around and the time out has just put all this is starker relief than normal for you. She isn't there for you for months, but the moment she needs you again you're supposed to drop what you have on and do all the running?

Why do you always go to her?

Do you need to sort out childcare to meet with her?

Is she always this demanding?

I’ve had to reevaluate a few friendships recently when I’ve realised who has made more of the effort in friendships.