To think you can’t just disappear for months on end & then expect everyone to drop everything

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

A good friend of mine has been having a hard time & decided she wanted to go no contact with everyone in her life for a few months while she sorted stuff out. She announced this everywhere, on social media, in what’s app groups etc.

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing and reappeared and wants to meet up as she is ready to see people.

thing is- I am really busy until September as have kids stuff, work stuff, summer hols etc going on and she is pissed off about it.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything. But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

So it has to be a weekend, but only certain weekends that suit her, and then only in the daytime? No, YANBU OP and I doubt my diary would match up much/at all either at this time of year with this much notice.
I would send a message reiterating how much you would love to see her, and that you already have a number of things on but this is your availability. Then attach a long list of your free time to choose from including weekdays and evenings/a Meet-o-matic link with the same. She can then choose something that fits with her plans or not, but certainly cannot reasonably say that you are being difficult and unavailable. Presumably if she has been avoiding everyone for months and is only now starting to see people again, her diary will be very empty. And given you a such an important friend (which is why Sept is too long to wait), you are amongst the first she has contacted...

I agree with you op. You just don't have a weekend that matches. You are prioritising your existing commitments and family but so is she as she isn't moving her existing plans either. Why don't you just try and have a phone call catch-up in an evening so you can check how she's doing.

Sounds like because of the distance you have a habit of going to stay with her. That is quite a big commitment when you're both busy, you have kids etc. Can you not have a interim catch up by phone or zoom so you can spend some time without having to go and stay?

Why should OP take on more at a very busy time for her?

OP, you're trying to identify a time to get together. It's unfortunate that it's proving difficult but that is modern family schedules over Summer.

The only option might be if somebody is having an event you're already attending and she will be there too, perhaps?

So you're almost always the one travelling to and staying with her? It sounds like you generally put in more effort and now she's throwing her toys out of the pram because you won't travel to see her as soon as she would like! Cheeky mare!

Can't you both travel for 45 mins and meet in the middle (literally and figuratively) for an hour one morning? I appreciate you might not be able to make that work though and if that is the case then she just needs to suck it up.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus I think that’s maybe why I sound a bit resentful too- I am trying my best to make it work but life is getting in the way a bit and I feel like she isn’t meeting me halfway!

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing I think this shows your real feelings about this.

Can’t she stay with you and accompany you to the summer fair/ school show etc?

Totally reasonable you’re not free to go and stay for a whole weekend due to kids stuff but if she is single and child-free she might have more flexibility? I am the single/ child free one in my friend group and it’s definitely easier for me to go to my friends than have them try and come to me.

I hate a drip feed. This should have been in your OP.

You really don't have 1 hour spare until September?? Not even for a coffee and chat at your house? Or a video call? Sounds like you don't want to make time for her.

@EggRollsForever well as I just said above, I am feeling a bit resentful because I am trying my bloody best and she’s not meeting me halfway at all!

OP has made lots of time available but has lots of other commitments with children and family which is usual this time of the year with end of school events and holiday plans. Seems the friend is single but not prepared to compromise. All about her.

Zoom??

I think you both need to be a bit more mature...

I can understand someone needed some peace and quiet while they were going through a hard time. Maybe a direct private message to close friends would have been better than just announcing it on social media but people are perfectly entitled to deal with hardship as they wish.

But you are being petty. No one is that ''busy'' that they don't have time to see a friend who has been struggling and came out the other way.

You don't even know what happen to her yet your first thought is almost to ''punish her'' for taking a break.

Personally I would drop you as a friend.

A sensible friend would tell her that she can't do the weekend suggested but tell her that you really want to see her to find out what happened and suggest a new alternative date/time within the next week or so.

Unless you are the Queen or running a country I am sure you can find half and hour for a coffee in your diary without too much trouble...

Surely she could pop round to your house for coffee and a cake between now and September. Nobody is that busy.

Can't you meet for a 20 min coffee or walk before September?

Love all the comments about you must have a spare hour… op has said it’s weekends only and looking at my diary we’re not free until September. Yesterday Dd3 had 2 ballet lessons, home for lunch, gymnastics comp in the afternoon for dd2&3, Dd1 in school for play rehearsals, bbq with friends in the evening. The 30 minutes dc got changed between gym comp and bbq, I was decorating a cake quickly to take with us. Today Dd has extra ballet (exam coming up) and then we’re going to meet my parents an hour away. That’s a fairly normal weekend. Next weekend we’re in London then we have another in Paris and then catch up with friends etc already planned. I fully believe you can be too busy.

I had a complete breakdown after 3 miscarriages, and withdrew from everyone. I couldn’t cope with the idea of anyone asking how I was or having to talk about it. In fact it was only when we were coming out of lockdown that I felt able to come out of that - lockdown had given me an excuse not to see anyone and it was only due to the total removal of any social demands that I was able to start healing psychologically. People don’t just do that without a good reason.

I think the friend who disappeared sounds shitty. OP has offered dates she can do, friend can't or won't change plans. Therefore can't be annoyed at OP for not changing theirs. With kids it's more difficult to change plans.

Is she prepared to meet you half way - not literally but actually ?

If people have the time to post on MN on a Sunday morning then they could be meeting a friend for breakfast instead. We all make our choices in life. If you really wanted to see her you would.

OP is clearly not being unreasonable.

If friend lives 90 mins away, then it’s 3 hours travelling there and back so realistically, friend is asking OP for at least 5 hours out of her weekend.

How many of us with kids and busy lives can suddenly find a spare 5 hours at the week-end without having to do some serious re-arranging?

I wonder of those saying take an hour and meet for a coffee live in larger towns or cities where all their friends live within a short distance away?

One of my oldest friends lives in another country and we haven’t visited each other in about 12 years but we talk every few weeks via WhatsApp video calling for about an hour. Can you offer to do that instead OP?

I had to do this when my anxiety/ptsd was really bad but I didn't announce it I just quietly disappeared for a few months then gently reappeared and started with a 'hello, how are you' text and apologised for not replying to their texts and said my mental health had been bad. I'm so thankful my friends took me back in to the circle without judgement. You're friend sounds attention seeking though.